Random Thoughts for a New Year -

These are thoughts I texted to myself on New Year's Eve while the kids were playing at dinoland at South Towne Mall.

(1) Inner lizards vs wise turtles. Managing energy. Confusing inner conversations for actual convs. Is it pos to c things as they really are?

So I got the inner lizard idea from Martha Beck but she is not the only one who uses the analogy. In a very brief nutshell she talks about the reptilian brain and the ways you can get hijacked by your amygdala and suggests creating a persona for that inner danger-search-and-avoider. Lately I've become more and more cognizant that when my inner lizard starts freaking out it takes on the persona of actual people, like say, my boss. And my inner self with argue with that boss-impersonating lizard. And then I unconsciously act towards my boss as if that conversation actually took place. Ridiculous! My boss is nothing like my inner lizard. I do this to Dr C too and he is so unlike my inner lizard. So I'm thinking of creating an inner-lizard persona, if only to keep my silly memory from thinking that inner conversations are really outer conversations.

Wise turtles is from Kung Fu Panda. The thought that keeps coming back to me is giving up the illusion of control. I have placed several turtles on my computer at work to remind myself that, although I'm supposed to "keep control" of my hearings and witnesses, I don't have actually have any real control over other people or the cussing computer programs I work with. Does it say something about me that my persona for my wiser self is reptilian?

Managing energy is an idea from the January issue of Body & Soul. I don't recall the article name right now (maybe I'll add it later) but the idea was that while in the past we may have needed to manage time, at this point with the proliferation of e-connectedness, what we need to manage is our energy. I focused this past week at work on taking time when my mind and spirit were lagging to take a break - a physical and mental removal of myself from what I was tired of. I am usually the type to push through a tired spot - "keep working!" - but this plan seemed to work better. My energy was better sustained throughout the day and I actually had some energy left over when I came home, which was awesome because I'm really tired of giving my best energy to work with little left over for my family.

Is it possible to see things as they really are? Probably not, but I just keep trying to pull away illusions and self deceptions anyway. :)

(2) Peaceful holiday-new years-tarot-heiro & m-2 wand sucess? Do I want more? Sense of sucess yet not as much as thought would have.

This year's holidays were way more peaceful for me than in years past. Nothing has changed but me. I'm actually tuning into my calm self, activating my relaxation response and engaging the parasympathetic system. There have been days that I have literally not wanted to get out of bed because I have been feeling so peaceful, calm and good and I really want to stay in that place. It's similar to "the temple feeling." (You Mos know what I mean) The wonderful thing is that when this response is engaged for me, expectations and feelings of not meeting those expectations slide away into virtual nonexistence.

So, I did a tiny little spread for myself (in the bathtub!) close to New Years. I pulled the hierophant, the 2 of wands, and death. This is the deck I used.  The hierophant stands for me I assume, since I am both a teacher and a judge. In fact, just before I became a teacher and a judge again, I took a class from Margaret Ruth and every single spread for me had a hierophant. Every single one. So, anyway, the 2 of wands in the deck I was using features a successful man dreaming of more ventures/adventures. And I ask myself if there is something more that I am looking for in my professional life? I really like what I do - I enjoy being a judge and feel I am reasonably accomplished at it, plus, I'm beginning to feel competent as an instructor. On the other hand, I've had tiny little yearnings to do a small something on the side - like reading cards for people. And the death card was really lovely - I've been feeling my anxious, tired, ornery self slipping away for months and, though I love her, it is time for her to go back into the cauldron and be reborn into a hopefully healthier self.

As for not having as much success as I thought would - I am not the lawyer I dreamed of being when I went to law school. I have not accomplished as much as my dear colleagues. My mind is somewhat distressed by that but my soul is content. Yay!

(3) Do really need to be Bigified? Or happy where I am? How nice to be ocassionally calm & not fret over unmet expectations & unwise hopes for per

Biggification is a Havi thing. I've been attracted to sites like hers for awhile so it leads me to wonder if there is something in my professional life that wants to grow. Or maybe its reflective of my desire to grow spiritually. I am very happy where I am right now - I am emotionally and energetically healthier than I have been in over a decade. Which is awesome.

Per = perfection. I kindly and graciously wish that death comes for my dreams of perfection.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm recuperating from a cold and don't want to push myself too hard. I hope 2010 is a wonderful year for all. My our dreams of peace bloom and grow. Or grow and bloom. Wev.

A Lovelier Week

So, the work stress has been high lately. It took me awhile to realize that 85% of the stress was created in my own head. I attacked that source o' stress with a vengeance this week by bringing my journal to work and writing down all my stressful thoughts, then challenging them, a la Bryon Katie. It truly helped. I had so much more energy at the end of the week and was able to be much more present in my hearings. I've also noticed that the relaxation response has kicked in more frequently this week. Several mornings I've woken up in a completely relaxed state - this is truly rare for me.

I had another Byron Katie moment this morning. We desperately needed a new dining area rug and the perfect rug just happened to be on sale (50% OFF) at Kohl's, plus, I needed to pick up just a few more items for our pre-thanksgiving feast with the McPeck clan. I left for the store much later than I thought and I noticed I was stuck in the thought "I have to get everything done before everyone gets there," which was truly stressful. But what got my tearing up was the thought behind the thought - a pre-verbalish thought actually - that my family would not approve of nor love me unless I got everything (i.e. cleaning and cooking) done and that my family would not enjoy themselves at my home unless I got everything done. Questioning that thought was harder but so good to do. I realized that whether or not anyone enjoyed themselves at my home was utterly outside my control - they would enjoy it or not, approve of me or not. I remembered that how people perceive me or feel about me (or my home) is up to them, not me. No amount of cleaning or inspired cooking can make anyone like me, love me, or approve of me, not ever. It's a lovely realization.

I have also decided that the next time I have people over, I shall do the major cleaning the day before, so I won't be tired when my guests arrive. Sleepiness is very rarely conducive to hostessliness.

Margaret Ruth, The Side Door, Other Findings

Runnin' Rhino by Allan Faustino

find it at threadless dot com - along with all kinds of great images and t-shirts!!

Margaret Ruth

As you may know, tomorrow is my birthday, and part of my birthday gift to myself was to get an extended palm reading with Margaret Ruth. She is currently working on a book about palmistry and she is offering free 15-minute palm readings. I strongly encourage everyone within driving distance to take her up on the offer!1 The reading was a lot of fun and Margaret Ruth was, as always, very insightful and enlightening.

She noticed right away that some kind of divine intervention changed my life line from chaotic to clear in my late twenties/early thirties. I could think of two examples - the birth of my boyos which fixes, somehow, my IBS & chronic constipation (please forgive the overshare) and of the premonitions/promptings that made me keep going back for more tests/injections/scans until the doctors finally found the cancer that claimed my uterus. I know that I was following the Spirit/Committee/Higher Self when I knew I had to get pregnant when I did and go to Margy2 for help when I thought I was miscarrying.

The reading gave me insight into my family and my ancestors that I was not expecting. I was overjoyed to feel that I was connected to my ancestors in my gifts of healing touch (like with my hands), artistic/academic expression, and intuitive/psychic insight. It was wonderful to learn that my efforts to heal some of what I was "handed" have been successful and have brought comfort to those on the other side of the veil as well as to myself. I think part of the major change referred to above was also when I stopped trying to "lifestyle change" (never say diet, wink, wink) myself into another body, one that would be more loveable and acceptable and learned that my body is powerful and good, just as it is. I certainly hope that cleared some psychic pain for the large-bodied souls that came before me.

I was a bit surprised to learn that my hands show both a strong leadership/will and a tendency to "bend over backwards" for others. Perhaps it reflects my (non-original) ideas about servant leadership. I am still learning how to lose my false self in service/leadership/love so that my true self can emerge as a source of power & healing. I spend too much time doing what I think others want me to do for them instead of doing what I know I need to do for them. This makes sense in my head, really.

We spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I could clean up my head and heart lines, since they are far more chaotic than my life line.3 And I thought - why can't I use some of that same guardian angel energy on clearing up my (please forgive me for saying this) stinkin' thinkin' and the ever present sense of not being quite what other people want? So, I have been calling out to the ancestors/committee/city of G-d for assistance in this next journey. Anyway, I find that I esteem myself all well and good, but I presume that most other people in the world do not. In other words, I presume that I am not loveable. I have plenty of evidence to convince my head that this belief is not true - but telling my gut? That's a whole other business. I find that just contemplating ways of cleaning out the "gunk" in my heart and head helps. So does reading Byron Katie's, "I Need Your Love, Is That True?" She has great method for ungunking. Keeping up with Havi at fluent self dot com has been tremendously useful as well.

The Side Door

I would love to get some reactions to an interesting dream I had the other night. I was at some kind of old-English style castle/boarding school. All of the "kids" were dressed the same and everything was stonework and ivy. We went outside for a period of time and I wanted back into the castle. I went through a door I thought of as a "secret back way." Unfortunately, though dressed in boarding-school-girl clothing I was actual size (!) and as I walked up the stone stairway the ceiling and the stair got closer and closer together, until the only way through was a small, narrow opening. The opening was such that a non-claustrophobic young child could squeeze through, but tiny enough that, even were I skin and bones, I could not crawl through. I mind-flew back down to the entry to the passageway but of course it was locked. Plus, it was a thick, wooden door that I would not be able to break down. Somehow I knew that there was a side entrance somewhere along the stairway, I just had to find it. I knew it was hidden and that I would have to grope around quite a bit before finding it. I awoke before I found the side door, but with a conviction that it would be found. I think the dream is a wonderful metaphor for where I am right now.

Other Findings

I had a great "oracle" reading at gaian tarot dot com this morning. I asked about the current work upheaval I find myself facing. My opportunity was Lightning (the Tower), which reminds me that major change is an an opportunity for new growth and rebirth, and a chance to reconfigure the deadwood/stuckness/unworking-ness. My challenge was the High Priestess, which represents to me my efforts to access the deep intuitive knowing and wisdom that leads me to what I really need. My resolution was the World - best card ever! I know that whatever happens, if I listen to my deepest knowing I will be where I am needed and all will be well. I recall when we first moved to Utah and I despaired of finding work that meaningful. I was told quite strongly that what job I found did not matter - what mattered was that I bring my true self to whatever job I found.

Suggestions and comments dear friends? I would particularly love to hear your thoughts on telling the difference between listening to the Spirit/your Higher Self/the Guides/Committee and talking to yourself.


1 mr at margaretruth dot com
2 Margaret Batson, Certified Nurse Midwife, the best in town in my opinion.
3 I think you will be happy to know, MR, that my son and I went bowling last night and just had fun. Lots of emotional release. And today I've been cleaning my physical environment (1) to get ready for a birthday open house and (2) to get some mental focus and clarity. I'm organizing my house in hopes that will bring some clarity to my brain. I admit to going back to a book though - but I don't think Byron Katie counts! :)

Finding the Roots of Anxiety & Letting Go of Doing "It" Right

For much of my life I have experienced nagging anxiety, a sense that something about me or what I'm doing is "wrong," and that I need to fix it. This is not a pleasant way to live and so for the past couple of years I've been trying to get at the source of this omnipresent feeling of not being good enough. I've found an excellent therapist, a great women's group, and perused many wonderful books. Here's a summary of my thoughts for now:

One way I have confronted the anxiety in the past is by fixing "it" so I do everything right. That's right, I've spent some time as a perfectionist. The problem is that I suck at it.

I have had aspirations of making lists for most of my life. For coming up with and following a plan so that everything in my life can be organized! clean! easy! It's not just women's magazines that have manufactured in me this yearning for containerized living. I blame growing up in the "Covey culture," that special era of planning mania that gripped Utah Mormondom in the 1980s. My Laurel's leader1 was especially influential. She had a day planner that dominated her life. The idea of "plan your work then work your plan" is still predominant in this lovely Desert, whoops, I mean Deseret.2

I have purchased many day planners in my life. My current one doesn't even have a calendar, it's just a project planner. I figured without the burden of dates, I might use it. Nope. I still haven't accomplished some of the "projects" that I wrote down one year ago when we bought the house. I do have a list of things I MUST DO this weekend. I will probably only accomplish the things that I really must do or face consequences I don't want (like having to pay another $50 late fee to the State Bar).

I've learned that something about me at a deep, psychological level resists order. Strike that and make it "resists being told what to do, even by myself!"3 I have a fundamentally free form kind of self. I prefer to flow with the go. If I make myself a neat plan for how to accomplish a particular goal, I will sabotage it. It's like I am constitutionally required NOT to follow a plan. For example, the only students at my law school who did less studying than me where stoned. Seriously.

If I make a plan for my day or a project (like cleaning the house) or whatever, eventually I'll become convinced I can either a) find something better to do or b) find a better way/moment to do whatever it is that I've planned. It's not an attentional deficit, it's a conscious choice to abandon the plan. So I follow my gut and do whatever I want to do in that moment and all is good - until this little nagging sense creeps up that I must be doing "it" wrong because I either don't have a plan or I'm not following the plan that I have. (I think "it" is life.)

With some self reflection and help from a friendly turtle, I'm approaching that nagging sense with the reminder that letting go of the illusion of control/perfection/doing "it" right, is an essential part of letting life glide me over to where I need to be. Not everything that "goes wrong" is my fault. And not everything that "goes right" is due to my righteous efforts either. I wasn't following "the" plan when I fell in love with Shane, decided to have kids, moved back to Utah (without a job!?!), kept getting blood test after blood test until "they" figured out it was cancer (I already knew on that deep intuitive level that the prefrontal lobes can't argue with).

What I know to be right and good doesn't always fit into justifiable, rational goals. And I am beginning to accept that just showing up - just being present for the present - is a miracle in itself. Living here, in this moment, "loving what is" here before me, is better that living for some moment in the future that I've convinced myself can only come if I follow a letter-perfect plan.

A second source of this underlying anxiety is fueled by other people's dreams for my life that I somehow mistook for my own. These are the things people who loved me were sure I would do/could do/should do because they could imagine me doing it. "You're so smart/talented/whatever, you have to 'do something' with your life!"

I think of my beloved debate coach who told me he expected me to "be on the cover of Time someday." My choir teacher's insistence that if I did not become a professional performer I was "wasting my gift." A dear college mentor's anxious sureness that I needed to represent striving, confident career women in the Church and make the Church safe for feminists. Friends who were sure that I would be the general Relief Society President some day.4

None of the dreams were mine, though I accepted that they should be and tried to accomplish them for many years. And oh the guilt when I decided I should do what I liked and wanted and needed!

But my dream is here, sitting across from me in a downtown SLC park eating a Moochies sandwich, and at the playground taking pictures of new friends then convincing them to play Wonder Pets,5 is simply being okay with the fact that I am not working on my syllabus/predrafting my decisions for next week/trying to take over the world.

I don't want/have to be the next big thing, the smartest one in the room, the one who makes sure everything gets done right & on time (& right!!!!!).

And yet. And yet. My heart still tightens as I realize I'm doing "nothing," that there must be "something" so much more worthwhile I could be spending this moment on. I know these thoughts to be illusions, though the emotions are real enough. So I attempt to stay with the feeling and let the mind flow where it might, sans control. I experience the pain this sense of self-lack brings and do "nothing" with it. Just for a moment I feel what it's like to be "me" feeling pain over not being/doing enough and I don't try to argue with or appease the feeling. I just feel it. And eventually it dissolves and my focus returns to the beautiful dreams that surround me, the life I never thought I would have - with a partner who supports/loves/cooks for me, with children who sparkle with intelligence and love. And I remember now is not only "enough," it's all there really is.


1In the LDS religion, there is an organization for young women called, appropriately enough, "Young Women's." The Laurels are the 16-18 year old group. I think they are still called Laurels.
2It's a Mormon thing, please don't make me explain it. Wait, pretty much everyone who reads this blog has been immersed in LDS culture, whether they are members of "the Church" or not. So nevermind! ;)
3I am hoping somewhere my late Mother will take comfort in this thought.
4The top leader of the women's organization in the LDS church. Oh wait! I wasn't going to explain these things anymore. Doh!
5That's where my dreams were when I first wrote this. They are presently located at the zoo looking at baby tigers and sitting on the couch watching Loonitics Unleashed. My dreams move around a lot.

Actual Relaxation

I have a very hard time actually relaxing. By that I mean that I am hardly ever deeply, unequivocally relaxed. The kind of relaxed where your muscles and your mind feel soft, warm (I have to admit though that just describing relaxation is making me feel better). One of my dear friends from college pointed out to me that everything was always a "crisis" and he was right. But I find that knowing is less-than-half the battle.

One of my new year aspirations was to "un-round" my shoulders. I am finding the focus on this aspiration helpful but the actual achievement of it almost impossible. My right shoulder is particularly "frozen." For example, while waiting for my lunch to cook at work, I will stand against the wall and place my hands behind my waist, in the "small" of the back. When I do this, I can feel the right shoulder blade "pop" out, pushing painfully into the wall. I then work on rolling my shoulder up and back, which gets the shoulder blade more in place, but boy is that a difficult stretch. Clearly I have used my right shoulder differently than my left one for years. But I also believe some of my stress, fear, alertness, is stored in that shoulder. (It also has something to do with using my mouse with that hand!) I think I've mentioned before that I believe that our memories are stored in our bodies as well as our brains - as well as out there in that medieval "ether" - I am hoping that my efforts to loosen and "normalize" my shoulders will help me release old pain and step out of my constant alertness and tension. I'm also working on my calves - which are unusually tight partially due to some arthritis in my feet plus poorly healed injuries and partially because I store stress there, too. I know it's a weird place to store stress - just trust me on this.

In addition to stretching, I've also tried just watching my reactions and my energy state for the last couple of months to see what feelings provoke shoulder hunching. I have noticed that most of the time part of my mind is on some kind of alert. Probably a good thing from an evolutionary perspective but hazardous to my long-term health. It is good to be on the alert for danger - especially when you have one child who has no fear of strangers and another with no fear of falling - but I am also aware that constant stress can damage your circulatory system as well as undermining your mental health. I want to be able to activate my parasympathetic system and reach deep relaxation - but sometimes I wonder if I even have a parasympathetic system!

Shane and I took the kids and the dog to the mountains in Nevada last weekend and somehow that was actually relaxing for me. At one point the boys, Shane, and the dog were splashing in a stream and I was taking pictures of them and the wildflowers (which filled the valley and were just awesome) and it hit me - I'm not worried about anything. I'm just here, looking at the lovely flowers, listening to the water and the children, delighting in their and Sophie's delight in the moment, feeling the sun and breeze, smelling the mountain air. It was lovely. I hoped to maintain the feeling for a little while when I returned to work on Monday, and I did, but by Friday it was gone. So part of this weekend I have tried to "just be here," to just feel the life around me instead of constantly attempting to direct and shape the energy. Going with the flow is just simply tough for a marathon life swimmer like me.

Great post from Byron Katie

http://www.byronkatie.com/2009/04/business_inquiry_having_more_c.htm

In this post a salesperson confronts his belief that "having more customers means having more profits."

Katie's process is pretty simple. First, you find a thought that seems to bring you pain. Then you ask yourself "is it true." Then you ask, "is it really True? Can I know with 100% certainty that this thought is true?" (hint - most thoughts are not 100% true - those that are you sit with). Then you try to "turn it around," basically come up with the opposite thought. So in the above example you could say, "having less customers means having more profits" or "having more customers means having less profits." Then you ask yourself if the opposite statement is true, or at least as true as the original statement. You try to come up with at least three ways the opposite is true.

This process has been useful for me in confronting beliefs about myself, like "I'm too fat" or "I'm a bad mother" or "I have to do everything just right or I'll be in trouble/no one will like me/the world will collapse." :)

I learned about Katie's process from my friends Carol and Kathy. I like the simplicity of it and the way it helps free you from word traps in your head. Hope you like it too!

Falling in Love

So my little bro is falling in love (as is his totally cute, sweet, smart gf - can you tell I like her?). It reminds me of when Shane and I fell in love. There was something so right about all of it. I was (and am) tremendously lonely whenever he was gone. I don't know how we survived living in two states for eleven months expect through our utter faith in one another and enormous phone bills. Shane can see me the way no one else can. The thought of not being with him through my life's journey brought me unbearable sorrow and pain and the dream/image/thought of being with him brought a great sense of peace, joy, freedom, and a deep centered power. There's really no other feeling like it. It was a knowing that was deep - body/soul deep - the knowing that overwhelms and confounds the knowing that comes from the brain.

I started thinking about falling in love the other day when I went to my older son's school singing assembly. The fifth graders performed a rap about not smoking (oy!) and one rotund kid came forward, mumbling out a free flowing extended "improv" as cool as could be and another kid got up performed a break dance routine that was straight-up old school. The other kids cheered and boogied in their seats. And I started to cry. Seriously cry, tears of joy flowing down my face. I think what got me was the sense of pride in the whole class as they worked together and enjoyed the skills of their classmates. Each grade performed a song. The first graders (M's class) and the kindergartners sang a very sweet song (more tears): I like being me/and my friends help me see/I'm somebody special/happy as can be./I feel good inside/when I do what's right/I help my friends and family/I like being me. Eli and I cuddled as we watched the performances. And I swear I fell in love with all the kids/teachers/parents/etc in the auditorium.

After taking Eli to his preschool (where I already know I am in love with all his friends and have the hardest time leaving each morning) I came home and listened to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill yet again while doing laundry and grading papers. Hill's song "To Zion" was one of the inspirations for MZ's name. That song never fails to get me crying . . . "And I thank you for choosing me/To come here unto life to be/A beautiful expression of His grace." I know I'm not getting the lyrics exactly right - but this is what I hear. I think so much of the living of life well requires falling in love with life, falling in love over and over again with the people who surround us, with the Earth that sustains us, with the Spiritual powers that nurture us - with everything. Because everything is everything -- L Boogie is absolutely right on that account.

Walking in the Snow (Thursday thoughts continued)

So, the boys ended up coming up here before I got downstairs. Michael read his homework book to Shane and then I looked at pictures on Facebook with Eli. Eli loved seeing pictures of his friend Finn's new little brother. Then we looked at pictures of his cousin Cole's b-day party. It was simple, pleasant & fun. I love the way Eli's face glows when I am paying attention to just him. Then we all piled onto the futon cushion in Michael's room (which Eli chooses to sleep on instead of the brand-new Ikea bed in his own bedroom) and I read another chapter of "Clementine's Letter" by Sara Pennypacker. Michael is a big fan of Clementine. He says he is just like Clementine only more silly and distracted. He says that he is a Tangerine.

Anyway, so Sophie was hyper all through this. It is wonderful for Sophie to be hyper. Sophie is getting older and has severe arthritis. Her vet just started her on Remadril which is a miracle drug. Sophie went from seeming like she would die any day, crying in pain all the time, to doing the circle-hop dance when she saw me get out the leash. It was rain-snowing outside but I figured a walk around the block wouldn't hurt so we ended up walking around at least four blocks. [big smiles]

The rain-snow slowly turned to snow-rain and it got very slick. I liked the walk anyway. Sophie is a very happy girl when she's out sniffing new and interesting smells and its a joy to be with her. The snow-rain looked lovely through the light of the streetlamps. I could occasionally hear thunder and train horns, but mostly it was quiet. Our neighborhood is charming and, shall we say, well-established. Our house is over a hundred years old. The old houses tend to be on the corners of the streets with lots of 1930-40s bungalows and post-war cottages in between. Very few homes have attached garages and almost none have garages on the fronts of the houses. I love that - I hate houses that look like they were designed for cars instead of people. Most of the homes have huge old trees. There's a nice economic mix as well, so you have really nicely kept up homes mixed with rental and/or starter places that are more shabby. Its urban yet not at the same time.

The thing that bothered me through the whole walk was that I kept noticing my brain slipping away from the walk and into some chattering thought (like what I was going to write in the blog when I got home). I wasn't able to stay in my body very well, even though the cold kept kindly bringing my attention back. :-) Then I remembered Pema Chodron saying that thoughts are just the nature of mind and the important part of mediation is just bringing your attention back to center, back to noticing, back to awareness. So I tried to kindly bring myself back to my awareness of the cold snow-rain dripping off my hood and onto my face. To Sophie shaking her sweet golden brown pelt free of the wet then wagging her way to another treetrunk/fencepost/bush/other. To the soft dripping of the snow-raindrops. To the pinging of water on a metal disk. To a lantern glowing. To my aching lower back (I learned that loosening my hips as I walk helps). To the glowing sky. To my joy at still being alive and here, now.