Time to End the Experiment, Obvs., And Other Stuff

So, one month of barely having weekly posts (Tuesday Ten and Thursday Thank You) was more than enough for me. Turns out I hate having a schedule/deadline for something I intended to do for funsies (who knew?!?!). Amazingly enough I have more than enough deadline pressure in my worklife to impose one on my online life. No more habitual posting for me. This blog will now return to absolute randomness.

In other news, I want to thank my sister for posting about the second anniversary of Mom's passing. I find that I don't want to write about it but I'm glad that Riss did. In some ways I have a better relationship with Mom now. Her spirit visits me fairly regularly and she is so very happy where she is now, I think happier than she was in her body, perhaps because in her last years she was in so much physical pain. As I am dealing with my own persistent pain and lack of energy, I find myself having far more sympathy for Mom than I did when she was here. And perhaps in her present state she is better able to know how I really feel. I deeply regret the fact that Mom was mostly unaware of how much I cared for her during her earthly life. I feel that she is aware now of how much she was loved, not just by me, but by others as well. And is so wonderful to know that Mom is happy. My joy in her healing outshines my grief in her passing.

More newsiness: I'm still working on the habitual anxiety thing. More noticing tension and breathing into it, because talking to my anxiety does not help. At all. My tension seems to be very body-based and I'm finding that only body-based responses have any lessening effect on it. So more breathing, stretching, being still.


I'm also testing out Martha Beck's idea  (well, it might not be her idea originally but she's the person I learned it from) that if you will do one small thing for the most neglected area of your physical space/home, you will find unexpected improvements in your mental/emotional life. I've made small efforts at addressing the mess we call "the library" hoping that in so doing I can work on the anxiety thing from another angle. Beck argues that your home is a reflection of your interior mind. I would agree if I was the only person living here. On the other hand, perhaps the messiness of my home reflects this cluttered mind of mine. Or perhaps its not so much cluttered as full of many ideas and interests. And given that my husband and children are as un-single-minded as I, it's no wonder we have a home full of stuff. Also, I've learned from Martha that I am polochronic, which is my excuse for why it's rarely time to clean up. Tee hee.

I've been re-reading books lately. I find it interesting that I don't react as strongly to the stories/characters as I did the first time I read these stories. Perhaps this change in reactions is due to changes in myself. I'm still parsing this out in my head - perhaps I will write more about this later.

Also, I find myself saying What Tami Said a lot. Her post Fat and happy: Why "The Biggest Loser" loses, which I somehow missed earlier this month, says exactly why I won't watch "weight loss TV" or participate in any kinds of weight loss talk. I know that weight loss is something very, very important to people that I deeply love, but it is not important anymore to me. Which is such a wonderful, wonderful thing, can I tell you? I can get on the scale now and truly not care what it says. No more anxiety, no more pain in my heart that I am unworthy of love because of what my body looks like. I can actually look in the mirror without shame, without feeling deep hatred for my belly, without thinking every part of me should be smaller, firmer, cuter. And I want to stay in this place. So please understand that this is why I will never talk diets or good vs. bad food or fitting into skinny clothes ever again. Because smaller is not better for me and I no longer believe that taking up less space makes me more worthy of living. And thank you, Tami, for this post and for your blog in general.

I think this is enough other stuff for now. In the meantime, thank you to all of my dear friends who read this blog, infrequent though it is.

Tuesday Ten: Some Favorite Spiritual Books

This is a beginning list, selected from my personal library in the past few weeks. Please understand that this is just the barest beginning of a list of favorite spiritual books. I am sure to add to the list in later posts.


(1) The Celtic Spirit: Daily Meditations for the Turning Year
Caitlin Matthews, Harper San Francisco 1998
These daily meditations sustained me through some dark times - they were different enough from the spirituality of my childhood, yet resonant enough with my cultural heritage, to assist me in finding new connections with the divine.

(2) Truth or Dare: Encounters with Power, Authority, and Mystery
Starhawk, Harper San Francisco 1987
Starhawk is by far my favorite feminist pagan author. This book assisted me in seeing how our relationships with one another in community impacts our spirituality. It further clarified the meaning of unrighteous dominion and gave me powerful ideas of how to resist such uncalled for authority.

(3) Cries of the Spirit: A Celebration of Women’s Spirituality
ed. by Marilyn Sewell,Beacon Press 1991
This is a lovely book that can be dipped into over and over again at your leisure. Haunting wonderful poems, stirring quotations. Another book that sustained my heart during times of crisis.

(4) The Book of Blessings: New Jewish Prayers for Daily Life, the Sabbath, and the New Moon Festivals
Marcia Falk, Beacon Press 1996
I never understood the power of multiple daily ritual prayers until I read this. The book is also beautifully designed.

(5) Buffalo Woman Comes Singing
The Last Ghost Dance: A Guide for Earth Mages
Brooke Medicine Eagle, Wellspring/Ballantine 1991 & 2000
A powerful, personal account and an amazing journey into semi-new-age Native American spirituality. The two books should be read together, in my never-to-be-confused-for-humble opinion.

 
(6) Why the Church is as True as the Gospel
Eugene England, Bookcraft 1986
This is the first book by Brother England that I read. The titular essay kept me from leaving the Church in high school and calls me to repentance still.


(7) Dialogues with Myself: Personal Essays on Mormon Experience
Eugene England, Orion Books 1984
This is the 2nd book by Brother England that I read. Brother England is the reason I went to BYU (seriously, THE reason). I miss his voice, his compassion, his wisdom. I have truly never met anyone else like him.


(8) To Heal a Fractured World: The Ethics of Responsibility
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, Shocken Books 2005
This book was my introduction to Rabbi Sacks. This is an eloquent and impassioned call to service. Rabbi Sacks is gifted at bringing ancient texts to bear upon modern dilemmas and reminds me of the deepest meaning of personal accountability and integrity. 

(9) Bonds that Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves
C Terry Warner, Shadow Mountain 2001
This book challenges me every time I return to it. I first read the book online, then purchased the hardcover. Dr Warner challenges everyone to see beyond the box of self-delusions and self-justification, and see with eyes unclouded (to quote Princess Mononoke).  The most Buddhist Mormon text I know.


(10) Earthborn, volume 5 of the science fiction series Homecoming
Orson Scott Card, Tor, 1995
Technically not a "spiritual" book, but tackles spiritual issues nevertheless.  The series is a retelling of the core ideas and stories in the first few books of the Book of Mormon. Card describes the influence of the Spirit like no other author I know of. Perhaps the sense of "realness" I get from reading the book is the deep "Mormoness" of the book and I don't know how accessible it is to people who are unfamiliar with LDS culture. But I find myself returning to key passages every year or so, just to revisit the feeling that someone I've only met at book-signings somehow understands my deepest spiritual moments.

Tuesday Ten: Things that made me smile recently

1) Watching Eli's feet wriggle as he sounds out words in his head. Both Eli and Michael read with their whole bodies and Eli clearly thinks with his feet.

2) Shane telling Michael he was going to open a restaurant and call his enchiladas "better than a barrette enchiladas" because Michael was chewing on a barrette rather than eating his dinner. You might have had to have been there.

3) Nellie McKay singing Mother of Pearl with the best hook ever:  Feminists Don't Have a Sense of Humor, also here

4) Sayonara, Zetsubou-Sensei (Goodbye, Mr Despair!): The Power of Negative Thinking, English manga version

5) Our new electric sweeper that actually cleans our rugs better than the vacuum.

6) Jennika and Vic's bridal/groomal pictures. Cuuuute!

7) Pink clouds in the morning, glowing autumn sunlight in the evening.

8) Eggnog coffee.

9) Baby elephant trays from Ikea.

10) Thick grey alpaca socks from the farmer's market - from local alpaca and local knitters! Local First!

Tuesday Top Ten

Several bloggers I like have little ritual postings and I'd like to try it out. So here goes for this week (your guess is as good as mine if I will do this again next week):

Top Ten Reasons I Bike to Work

1) Biking focuses my energy going to work and clears the stress coming home.

2) In the fall and on into the spring, I get to say hello to the moon.

3) I notice changes in the neighborhood - like people putting in new gardens, remodeling their homes, etc.

4) My fellow bikers are often friendly and chat at stop lights.

5) Biking helps pull me out of my head and into my body.

6) I notice the seasons changing.

7) Despite number 5 I can "pre-draft" blog posts in my head - or slay invisible dragons.

8) I arrive to work smiling.

9) Biking feels more flexible than taking the bus and it's just silly to drive 10 blocks.

10) I can.