Random Thoughts for a New Year -

These are thoughts I texted to myself on New Year's Eve while the kids were playing at dinoland at South Towne Mall.

(1) Inner lizards vs wise turtles. Managing energy. Confusing inner conversations for actual convs. Is it pos to c things as they really are?

So I got the inner lizard idea from Martha Beck but she is not the only one who uses the analogy. In a very brief nutshell she talks about the reptilian brain and the ways you can get hijacked by your amygdala and suggests creating a persona for that inner danger-search-and-avoider. Lately I've become more and more cognizant that when my inner lizard starts freaking out it takes on the persona of actual people, like say, my boss. And my inner self with argue with that boss-impersonating lizard. And then I unconsciously act towards my boss as if that conversation actually took place. Ridiculous! My boss is nothing like my inner lizard. I do this to Dr C too and he is so unlike my inner lizard. So I'm thinking of creating an inner-lizard persona, if only to keep my silly memory from thinking that inner conversations are really outer conversations.

Wise turtles is from Kung Fu Panda. The thought that keeps coming back to me is giving up the illusion of control. I have placed several turtles on my computer at work to remind myself that, although I'm supposed to "keep control" of my hearings and witnesses, I don't have actually have any real control over other people or the cussing computer programs I work with. Does it say something about me that my persona for my wiser self is reptilian?

Managing energy is an idea from the January issue of Body & Soul. I don't recall the article name right now (maybe I'll add it later) but the idea was that while in the past we may have needed to manage time, at this point with the proliferation of e-connectedness, what we need to manage is our energy. I focused this past week at work on taking time when my mind and spirit were lagging to take a break - a physical and mental removal of myself from what I was tired of. I am usually the type to push through a tired spot - "keep working!" - but this plan seemed to work better. My energy was better sustained throughout the day and I actually had some energy left over when I came home, which was awesome because I'm really tired of giving my best energy to work with little left over for my family.

Is it possible to see things as they really are? Probably not, but I just keep trying to pull away illusions and self deceptions anyway. :)

(2) Peaceful holiday-new years-tarot-heiro & m-2 wand sucess? Do I want more? Sense of sucess yet not as much as thought would have.

This year's holidays were way more peaceful for me than in years past. Nothing has changed but me. I'm actually tuning into my calm self, activating my relaxation response and engaging the parasympathetic system. There have been days that I have literally not wanted to get out of bed because I have been feeling so peaceful, calm and good and I really want to stay in that place. It's similar to "the temple feeling." (You Mos know what I mean) The wonderful thing is that when this response is engaged for me, expectations and feelings of not meeting those expectations slide away into virtual nonexistence.

So, I did a tiny little spread for myself (in the bathtub!) close to New Years. I pulled the hierophant, the 2 of wands, and death. This is the deck I used.  The hierophant stands for me I assume, since I am both a teacher and a judge. In fact, just before I became a teacher and a judge again, I took a class from Margaret Ruth and every single spread for me had a hierophant. Every single one. So, anyway, the 2 of wands in the deck I was using features a successful man dreaming of more ventures/adventures. And I ask myself if there is something more that I am looking for in my professional life? I really like what I do - I enjoy being a judge and feel I am reasonably accomplished at it, plus, I'm beginning to feel competent as an instructor. On the other hand, I've had tiny little yearnings to do a small something on the side - like reading cards for people. And the death card was really lovely - I've been feeling my anxious, tired, ornery self slipping away for months and, though I love her, it is time for her to go back into the cauldron and be reborn into a hopefully healthier self.

As for not having as much success as I thought would - I am not the lawyer I dreamed of being when I went to law school. I have not accomplished as much as my dear colleagues. My mind is somewhat distressed by that but my soul is content. Yay!

(3) Do really need to be Bigified? Or happy where I am? How nice to be ocassionally calm & not fret over unmet expectations & unwise hopes for per

Biggification is a Havi thing. I've been attracted to sites like hers for awhile so it leads me to wonder if there is something in my professional life that wants to grow. Or maybe its reflective of my desire to grow spiritually. I am very happy where I am right now - I am emotionally and energetically healthier than I have been in over a decade. Which is awesome.

Per = perfection. I kindly and graciously wish that death comes for my dreams of perfection.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm recuperating from a cold and don't want to push myself too hard. I hope 2010 is a wonderful year for all. My our dreams of peace bloom and grow. Or grow and bloom. Wev.

Blending

So, one of the coolest findings in my palm reading with MR was this star kinda halfway between the outside of my palm and my life line. MR pointed it out on my left hand but I can see one on my right hand, too. MR called it a "blending" star, because it was situated between spirit and body and she suggested it may be part of my life's work since stars symbolize a point of intense energy and light. I've been thinking about that idea quite a bit since the reading. Here are some of my thoughts:

Perhaps one manifestation of the blending star is my simultaneous fascination with the physical aspects of mind/body (like the actual physical workings of the brain and those pesky molecules of emotion) and with the transcendent/spiritual knowing that seems to come from both outside and within you at the same time. I love to learn how emotions have a physical root and also think emotions are clues to a wider reality (like intuition, precognition, etc). It's taken me a long time to realize that emotions are embodies - not just charged thoughts. Actually feeling emotion in my body has been a revelation to me.

Perhaps the star is an indication of how my intuitive knowing often manifests as a physical knowing. For example, I often feel pulled to a particular place, like there's a compass in my body pointing in a particular direction. If I am giving someone a massage, my hands feel pulled toward tender spots. I have often felt a pull to go down a particular aisle at the store, where I have found something I needed but had not put on the list (this happened just tonight actually). I have felt a pull to go down a particular road, then months later realized my familiarity with that particular road was crucial. My eyes are drawn to correct answers on tests and my hands feel a pull toward the right answer. My hands feel the tarot card I want to look at in readings. My innate sense of direction is very tied to this physical manifestation of intuition.

I'm not sure if anything is non-physical, that is, outside the realm of molecules and atoms. I believe that there is a knower, a choser, that is me, that is an actual thing and that thing has been me since there was anything. I am profoundly influenced by the LDS idea that each of us is, at base, an "intelligence," something that has always existed and will always exist. Orson Scott Card named the "intelligence" an "aiua" in the later Ender books. When I read this little bit from Xenocide, it connected to me in a deep way:

 I think that we are free, and I don't think it's just an illusion that we believe in because it has survival value. And I think we're free because we aren't just this body, acting out a genetic script. And we aren't some soul that God created out of nothing. We're free because we always existed. Right back from the beginning of time, only there was no beginning of time so we existed all along. Nothing ever caused us. Nothing ever made us. We simply are, and we always were. p. 386, 1991 paperback.

Yet, even if we have always existed, our aiuas/intelligences/spirits are powerfully influenced by our bodily experience. How we know things fundamentally changes depending on the particular chemical/hormonal balance in our bodies in any given moment as well as how our childhood experiences shaped the unique neural nets of our brains. Our experiences and worlds shift in meaning and experience with each subtle body change - for example, my skin color, gender, and size have all profoundly shaped my understanding of the world around me. And at a simpler, most basic level, I know that, for myself, my choices are profoundly influenced by things as simple as hunger, thirst, tiredness. I think better, act better, make better/kinder/more loving choices when I am well fed, well rested. I'm a nicer person when my body feels good.

So, I believe on a deep level that "I" am something different than the body "I" live in. Yet my body is also me and I feel on the same deep level that this is the body "I" chose. Blended and blending.

Margaret Ruth, The Side Door, Other Findings

Runnin' Rhino by Allan Faustino

find it at threadless dot com - along with all kinds of great images and t-shirts!!

Margaret Ruth

As you may know, tomorrow is my birthday, and part of my birthday gift to myself was to get an extended palm reading with Margaret Ruth. She is currently working on a book about palmistry and she is offering free 15-minute palm readings. I strongly encourage everyone within driving distance to take her up on the offer!1 The reading was a lot of fun and Margaret Ruth was, as always, very insightful and enlightening.

She noticed right away that some kind of divine intervention changed my life line from chaotic to clear in my late twenties/early thirties. I could think of two examples - the birth of my boyos which fixes, somehow, my IBS & chronic constipation (please forgive the overshare) and of the premonitions/promptings that made me keep going back for more tests/injections/scans until the doctors finally found the cancer that claimed my uterus. I know that I was following the Spirit/Committee/Higher Self when I knew I had to get pregnant when I did and go to Margy2 for help when I thought I was miscarrying.

The reading gave me insight into my family and my ancestors that I was not expecting. I was overjoyed to feel that I was connected to my ancestors in my gifts of healing touch (like with my hands), artistic/academic expression, and intuitive/psychic insight. It was wonderful to learn that my efforts to heal some of what I was "handed" have been successful and have brought comfort to those on the other side of the veil as well as to myself. I think part of the major change referred to above was also when I stopped trying to "lifestyle change" (never say diet, wink, wink) myself into another body, one that would be more loveable and acceptable and learned that my body is powerful and good, just as it is. I certainly hope that cleared some psychic pain for the large-bodied souls that came before me.

I was a bit surprised to learn that my hands show both a strong leadership/will and a tendency to "bend over backwards" for others. Perhaps it reflects my (non-original) ideas about servant leadership. I am still learning how to lose my false self in service/leadership/love so that my true self can emerge as a source of power & healing. I spend too much time doing what I think others want me to do for them instead of doing what I know I need to do for them. This makes sense in my head, really.

We spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I could clean up my head and heart lines, since they are far more chaotic than my life line.3 And I thought - why can't I use some of that same guardian angel energy on clearing up my (please forgive me for saying this) stinkin' thinkin' and the ever present sense of not being quite what other people want? So, I have been calling out to the ancestors/committee/city of G-d for assistance in this next journey. Anyway, I find that I esteem myself all well and good, but I presume that most other people in the world do not. In other words, I presume that I am not loveable. I have plenty of evidence to convince my head that this belief is not true - but telling my gut? That's a whole other business. I find that just contemplating ways of cleaning out the "gunk" in my heart and head helps. So does reading Byron Katie's, "I Need Your Love, Is That True?" She has great method for ungunking. Keeping up with Havi at fluent self dot com has been tremendously useful as well.

The Side Door

I would love to get some reactions to an interesting dream I had the other night. I was at some kind of old-English style castle/boarding school. All of the "kids" were dressed the same and everything was stonework and ivy. We went outside for a period of time and I wanted back into the castle. I went through a door I thought of as a "secret back way." Unfortunately, though dressed in boarding-school-girl clothing I was actual size (!) and as I walked up the stone stairway the ceiling and the stair got closer and closer together, until the only way through was a small, narrow opening. The opening was such that a non-claustrophobic young child could squeeze through, but tiny enough that, even were I skin and bones, I could not crawl through. I mind-flew back down to the entry to the passageway but of course it was locked. Plus, it was a thick, wooden door that I would not be able to break down. Somehow I knew that there was a side entrance somewhere along the stairway, I just had to find it. I knew it was hidden and that I would have to grope around quite a bit before finding it. I awoke before I found the side door, but with a conviction that it would be found. I think the dream is a wonderful metaphor for where I am right now.

Other Findings

I had a great "oracle" reading at gaian tarot dot com this morning. I asked about the current work upheaval I find myself facing. My opportunity was Lightning (the Tower), which reminds me that major change is an an opportunity for new growth and rebirth, and a chance to reconfigure the deadwood/stuckness/unworking-ness. My challenge was the High Priestess, which represents to me my efforts to access the deep intuitive knowing and wisdom that leads me to what I really need. My resolution was the World - best card ever! I know that whatever happens, if I listen to my deepest knowing I will be where I am needed and all will be well. I recall when we first moved to Utah and I despaired of finding work that meaningful. I was told quite strongly that what job I found did not matter - what mattered was that I bring my true self to whatever job I found.

Suggestions and comments dear friends? I would particularly love to hear your thoughts on telling the difference between listening to the Spirit/your Higher Self/the Guides/Committee and talking to yourself.


1 mr at margaretruth dot com
2 Margaret Batson, Certified Nurse Midwife, the best in town in my opinion.
3 I think you will be happy to know, MR, that my son and I went bowling last night and just had fun. Lots of emotional release. And today I've been cleaning my physical environment (1) to get ready for a birthday open house and (2) to get some mental focus and clarity. I'm organizing my house in hopes that will bring some clarity to my brain. I admit to going back to a book though - but I don't think Byron Katie counts! :)

Radio Magic and Misheard Lyrics

I've noticed a strong musical, radio (radial?) magic connected with the women's group I attend once a month. Last month one group member talked about her efforts to find a new job. She radiated positive energy (she was seriously glowing!) and I had a strong feeling that she was going to suceed. I told her that she had this awesome magical energy popping all around her. And lo and behold, when I got in the car after group I flipped on the radio and I heard, "Oh-ho it's magic, you know-oh-oh." I started laughing uproariously and turned off the radio. I emailed my group to share with them. And, yes, she did get the job - earning twice what she was before and moving into a much healthier working environment.

This month we talked about surrendering to the realities of parenting - such as, you can't control children and they make their own mistakes and choices. One group member also talked about listening to her real self and trying to find out what her true self wants. So I get in the car and hear, "Listen to your heart - there's nothing else you can do - I don't know where you're going and I don't know why - but listen to your heart." Not all the lyrics worked but still - close enough, eh? And I don't know where my friend is going - she is in a deep transitional stage - but I trust that if she can hear what her inner voice says she will go the right direction.

So that songs ends and I suffer through some Rod Stewart song a bit, flip channels for awhile and land on a station playing Dido's White Flag. I totally misheard the lyrics at first as saying "I will not get down with this shit [yep, that's what I heard, sorry] - I will put my up hands and surrender - There will be a white flag above my door." Yes, those are not the lyrics (the lyrics are exactly opposite actually), but what I heard matched what we were talking about. So that probably says more about my crazy brain. But still . . . radio magic.

Dreams

So I had a powerful dream last night. Someone, I'm not sure who, was reading my cards, and pointed to the 12 card and said, very clearly, that's you. I could not actually see the card, I just knew which number it was (this is strange - I usually see things - even read things - in my dreams). The number twelve was just simply stuck in my head when I awoke and I never forgot it. Stranger, I forgot which card in the tarot number 12 was, so I ended up looking it up online at work and, then, remembered and was not surprised.

The twelve card is "the hanged man," which sounds seriously scary but it is not. The hanged man hangs by his feet from a cross. His right is crossed behind his left. His arms are usually immobilized as well. But the man's face is serene and peaceful. The card is often viewed as someone who is "hanging out" between the worlds - not quite part of our work-a-day world, not quite part of the realm of the spirits. I love, love, love Johanna Powell Colbert's version in her Gaian tarot. The hanged man is a woman, standing in tree pose upside down in a tree! The horizon is tilted (I love that part!). I recommend you go see it at her website gaiantarot[dot]com

To me the card is about walking between the worlds, being suspended between the real world of our bodies and eyes, and the other real world of our spirits and energies. Both in touch with what we normally call reality and that other reality of the Spirit, of G-d. I drew this card for myself with my women's group a couple months ago. Apparently that energy is still with me. It makes me happy to think that the walker between the worlds is me.

Also, my Mom's birthday is coming up, February 12. I think the 12 is also connected with her. Love you Mom.