These are thoughts I texted to myself on New Year's Eve while the kids were playing at dinoland at South Towne Mall.
(1) Inner lizards vs wise turtles. Managing energy. Confusing inner conversations for actual convs. Is it pos to c things as they really are?
So I got the inner lizard idea from Martha Beck but she is not the only one who uses the analogy. In a very brief nutshell she talks about the reptilian brain and the ways you can get hijacked by your amygdala and suggests creating a persona for that inner danger-search-and-avoider. Lately I've become more and more cognizant that when my inner lizard starts freaking out it takes on the persona of actual people, like say, my boss. And my inner self with argue with that boss-impersonating lizard. And then I unconsciously act towards my boss as if that conversation actually took place. Ridiculous! My boss is nothing like my inner lizard. I do this to Dr C too and he is so unlike my inner lizard. So I'm thinking of creating an inner-lizard persona, if only to keep my silly memory from thinking that inner conversations are really outer conversations.
Wise turtles is from Kung Fu Panda. The thought that keeps coming back to me is giving up the illusion of control. I have placed several turtles on my computer at work to remind myself that, although I'm supposed to "keep control" of my hearings and witnesses, I don't have actually have any real control over other people or the cussing computer programs I work with. Does it say something about me that my persona for my wiser self is reptilian?
Managing energy is an idea from the January issue of Body & Soul. I don't recall the article name right now (maybe I'll add it later) but the idea was that while in the past we may have needed to manage time, at this point with the proliferation of e-connectedness, what we need to manage is our energy. I focused this past week at work on taking time when my mind and spirit were lagging to take a break - a physical and mental removal of myself from what I was tired of. I am usually the type to push through a tired spot - "keep working!" - but this plan seemed to work better. My energy was better sustained throughout the day and I actually had some energy left over when I came home, which was awesome because I'm really tired of giving my best energy to work with little left over for my family.
Is it possible to see things as they really are? Probably not, but I just keep trying to pull away illusions and self deceptions anyway. :)
(2) Peaceful holiday-new years-tarot-heiro & m-2 wand sucess? Do I want more? Sense of sucess yet not as much as thought would have.
This year's holidays were way more peaceful for me than in years past. Nothing has changed but me. I'm actually tuning into my calm self, activating my relaxation response and engaging the parasympathetic system. There have been days that I have literally not wanted to get out of bed because I have been feeling so peaceful, calm and good and I really want to stay in that place. It's similar to "the temple feeling." (You Mos know what I mean) The wonderful thing is that when this response is engaged for me, expectations and feelings of not meeting those expectations slide away into virtual nonexistence.
So, I did a tiny little spread for myself (in the bathtub!) close to New Years. I pulled the hierophant, the 2 of wands, and death. This is the deck I used. The hierophant stands for me I assume, since I am both a teacher and a judge. In fact, just before I became a teacher and a judge again, I took a class from Margaret Ruth and every single spread for me had a hierophant. Every single one. So, anyway, the 2 of wands in the deck I was using features a successful man dreaming of more ventures/adventures. And I ask myself if there is something more that I am looking for in my professional life? I really like what I do - I enjoy being a judge and feel I am reasonably accomplished at it, plus, I'm beginning to feel competent as an instructor. On the other hand, I've had tiny little yearnings to do a small something on the side - like reading cards for people. And the death card was really lovely - I've been feeling my anxious, tired, ornery self slipping away for months and, though I love her, it is time for her to go back into the cauldron and be reborn into a hopefully healthier self.
As for not having as much success as I thought would - I am not the lawyer I dreamed of being when I went to law school. I have not accomplished as much as my dear colleagues. My mind is somewhat distressed by that but my soul is content. Yay!
(3) Do really need to be Bigified? Or happy where I am? How nice to be ocassionally calm & not fret over unmet expectations & unwise hopes for per
Biggification is a Havi thing. I've been attracted to sites like hers for awhile so it leads me to wonder if there is something in my professional life that wants to grow. Or maybe its reflective of my desire to grow spiritually. I am very happy where I am right now - I am emotionally and energetically healthier than I have been in over a decade. Which is awesome.
Per = perfection. I kindly and graciously wish that death comes for my dreams of perfection.
Well, that's about it for now. I'm recuperating from a cold and don't want to push myself too hard. I hope 2010 is a wonderful year for all. My our dreams of peace bloom and grow. Or grow and bloom. Wev.
Showing posts with label About Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label About Me. Show all posts
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Blending
So, one of the coolest findings in my palm reading with MR was this star kinda halfway between the outside of my palm and my life line. MR pointed it out on my left hand but I can see one on my right hand, too. MR called it a "blending" star, because it was situated between spirit and body and she suggested it may be part of my life's work since stars symbolize a point of intense energy and light. I've been thinking about that idea quite a bit since the reading. Here are some of my thoughts:
Perhaps one manifestation of the blending star is my simultaneous fascination with the physical aspects of mind/body (like the actual physical workings of the brain and those pesky molecules of emotion) and with the transcendent/spiritual knowing that seems to come from both outside and within you at the same time. I love to learn how emotions have a physical root and also think emotions are clues to a wider reality (like intuition, precognition, etc). It's taken me a long time to realize that emotions are embodies - not just charged thoughts. Actually feeling emotion in my body has been a revelation to me.
Perhaps the star is an indication of how my intuitive knowing often manifests as a physical knowing. For example, I often feel pulled to a particular place, like there's a compass in my body pointing in a particular direction. If I am giving someone a massage, my hands feel pulled toward tender spots. I have often felt a pull to go down a particular aisle at the store, where I have found something I needed but had not put on the list (this happened just tonight actually). I have felt a pull to go down a particular road, then months later realized my familiarity with that particular road was crucial. My eyes are drawn to correct answers on tests and my hands feel a pull toward the right answer. My hands feel the tarot card I want to look at in readings. My innate sense of direction is very tied to this physical manifestation of intuition.
I'm not sure if anything is non-physical, that is, outside the realm of molecules and atoms. I believe that there is a knower, a choser, that is me, that is an actual thing and that thing has been me since there was anything. I am profoundly influenced by the LDS idea that each of us is, at base, an "intelligence," something that has always existed and will always exist. Orson Scott Card named the "intelligence" an "aiua" in the later Ender books. When I read this little bit from Xenocide, it connected to me in a deep way:
So, I believe on a deep level that "I" am something different than the body "I" live in. Yet my body is also me and I feel on the same deep level that this is the body "I" chose. Blended and blending.
Perhaps one manifestation of the blending star is my simultaneous fascination with the physical aspects of mind/body (like the actual physical workings of the brain and those pesky molecules of emotion) and with the transcendent/spiritual knowing that seems to come from both outside and within you at the same time. I love to learn how emotions have a physical root and also think emotions are clues to a wider reality (like intuition, precognition, etc). It's taken me a long time to realize that emotions are embodies - not just charged thoughts. Actually feeling emotion in my body has been a revelation to me.
Perhaps the star is an indication of how my intuitive knowing often manifests as a physical knowing. For example, I often feel pulled to a particular place, like there's a compass in my body pointing in a particular direction. If I am giving someone a massage, my hands feel pulled toward tender spots. I have often felt a pull to go down a particular aisle at the store, where I have found something I needed but had not put on the list (this happened just tonight actually). I have felt a pull to go down a particular road, then months later realized my familiarity with that particular road was crucial. My eyes are drawn to correct answers on tests and my hands feel a pull toward the right answer. My hands feel the tarot card I want to look at in readings. My innate sense of direction is very tied to this physical manifestation of intuition.
I'm not sure if anything is non-physical, that is, outside the realm of molecules and atoms. I believe that there is a knower, a choser, that is me, that is an actual thing and that thing has been me since there was anything. I am profoundly influenced by the LDS idea that each of us is, at base, an "intelligence," something that has always existed and will always exist. Orson Scott Card named the "intelligence" an "aiua" in the later Ender books. When I read this little bit from Xenocide, it connected to me in a deep way:
I think that we are free, and I don't think it's just an illusion that we believe in because it has survival value. And I think we're free because we aren't just this body, acting out a genetic script. And we aren't some soul that God created out of nothing. We're free because we always existed. Right back from the beginning of time, only there was no beginning of time so we existed all along. Nothing ever caused us. Nothing ever made us. We simply are, and we always were. p. 386, 1991 paperback.Yet, even if we have always existed, our aiuas/intelligences/spirits are powerfully influenced by our bodily experience. How we know things fundamentally changes depending on the particular chemical/hormonal balance in our bodies in any given moment as well as how our childhood experiences shaped the unique neural nets of our brains. Our experiences and worlds shift in meaning and experience with each subtle body change - for example, my skin color, gender, and size have all profoundly shaped my understanding of the world around me. And at a simpler, most basic level, I know that, for myself, my choices are profoundly influenced by things as simple as hunger, thirst, tiredness. I think better, act better, make better/kinder/more loving choices when I am well fed, well rested. I'm a nicer person when my body feels good.
So, I believe on a deep level that "I" am something different than the body "I" live in. Yet my body is also me and I feel on the same deep level that this is the body "I" chose. Blended and blending.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Margaret Ruth, The Side Door, Other Findings
find it at threadless dot com - along with all kinds of great images and t-shirts!!
Margaret Ruth
As you may know, tomorrow is my birthday, and part of my birthday gift to myself was to get an extended palm reading with Margaret Ruth. She is currently working on a book about palmistry and she is offering free 15-minute palm readings. I strongly encourage everyone within driving distance to take her up on the offer!1 The reading was a lot of fun and Margaret Ruth was, as always, very insightful and enlightening.
She noticed right away that some kind of divine intervention changed my life line from chaotic to clear in my late twenties/early thirties. I could think of two examples - the birth of my boyos which fixes, somehow, my IBS & chronic constipation (please forgive the overshare) and of the premonitions/promptings that made me keep going back for more tests/injections/scans until the doctors finally found the cancer that claimed my uterus. I know that I was following the Spirit/Committee/Higher Self when I knew I had to get pregnant when I did and go to Margy2 for help when I thought I was miscarrying.
The reading gave me insight into my family and my ancestors that I was not expecting. I was overjoyed to feel that I was connected to my ancestors in my gifts of healing touch (like with my hands), artistic/academic expression, and intuitive/psychic insight. It was wonderful to learn that my efforts to heal some of what I was "handed" have been successful and have brought comfort to those on the other side of the veil as well as to myself. I think part of the major change referred to above was also when I stopped trying to "lifestyle change" (never say diet, wink, wink) myself into another body, one that would be more loveable and acceptable and learned that my body is powerful and good, just as it is. I certainly hope that cleared some psychic pain for the large-bodied souls that came before me.
I was a bit surprised to learn that my hands show both a strong leadership/will and a tendency to "bend over backwards" for others. Perhaps it reflects my (non-original) ideas about servant leadership. I am still learning how to lose my false self in service/leadership/love so that my true self can emerge as a source of power & healing. I spend too much time doing what I think others want me to do for them instead of doing what I know I need to do for them. This makes sense in my head, really.
We spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I could clean up my head and heart lines, since they are far more chaotic than my life line.3 And I thought - why can't I use some of that same guardian angel energy on clearing up my (please forgive me for saying this) stinkin' thinkin' and the ever present sense of not being quite what other people want? So, I have been calling out to the ancestors/committee/city of G-d for assistance in this next journey. Anyway, I find that I esteem myself all well and good, but I presume that most other people in the world do not. In other words, I presume that I am not loveable. I have plenty of evidence to convince my head that this belief is not true - but telling my gut? That's a whole other business. I find that just contemplating ways of cleaning out the "gunk" in my heart and head helps. So does reading Byron Katie's, "I Need Your Love, Is That True?" She has great method for ungunking. Keeping up with Havi at fluent self dot com has been tremendously useful as well.
The Side Door
I would love to get some reactions to an interesting dream I had the other night. I was at some kind of old-English style castle/boarding school. All of the "kids" were dressed the same and everything was stonework and ivy. We went outside for a period of time and I wanted back into the castle. I went through a door I thought of as a "secret back way." Unfortunately, though dressed in boarding-school-girl clothing I was actual size (!) and as I walked up the stone stairway the ceiling and the stair got closer and closer together, until the only way through was a small, narrow opening. The opening was such that a non-claustrophobic young child could squeeze through, but tiny enough that, even were I skin and bones, I could not crawl through. I mind-flew back down to the entry to the passageway but of course it was locked. Plus, it was a thick, wooden door that I would not be able to break down. Somehow I knew that there was a side entrance somewhere along the stairway, I just had to find it. I knew it was hidden and that I would have to grope around quite a bit before finding it. I awoke before I found the side door, but with a conviction that it would be found. I think the dream is a wonderful metaphor for where I am right now.
Other Findings
I had a great "oracle" reading at gaian tarot dot com this morning. I asked about the current work upheaval I find myself facing. My opportunity was Lightning (the Tower), which reminds me that major change is an an opportunity for new growth and rebirth, and a chance to reconfigure the deadwood/stuckness/unworking-ness. My challenge was the High Priestess, which represents to me my efforts to access the deep intuitive knowing and wisdom that leads me to what I really need. My resolution was the World - best card ever! I know that whatever happens, if I listen to my deepest knowing I will be where I am needed and all will be well. I recall when we first moved to Utah and I despaired of finding work that meaningful. I was told quite strongly that what job I found did not matter - what mattered was that I bring my true self to whatever job I found.
Suggestions and comments dear friends? I would particularly love to hear your thoughts on telling the difference between listening to the Spirit/your Higher Self/the Guides/Committee and talking to yourself.
1 mr at margaretruth dot com
2 Margaret Batson, Certified Nurse Midwife, the best in town in my opinion.
3 I think you will be happy to know, MR, that my son and I went bowling last night and just had fun. Lots of emotional release. And today I've been cleaning my physical environment (1) to get ready for a birthday open house and (2) to get some mental focus and clarity. I'm organizing my house in hopes that will bring some clarity to my brain. I admit to going back to a book though - but I don't think Byron Katie counts! :)
Sunday, August 30, 2009
In Which I Reveal Two Major Things About Me
I do not make many decisions from a rational place. Which I realize is a strange thing for a judge to say. I do make my legal decisions from a basically reasoned place. But most of my decisions - like what am I going to do in this little moment - are made from a more intuitive impulse. Mostly I "just know" stuff. Even when I take multiple choice tests - it's like the right answer stands out in a mentally bolder type than others. Sometimes I literally cannot see the other answers. Things I really want and need tend to stand out or look more vivid to me. Take books, for instance.
So, today I went to the library to do something I really needed high-speed Internet to do and I thought, "I should go get that book Havi1 raves about, that one about nonviolent communication" (intuitive impulse one) and of course it's checked out but then I decide to go browse over in that area anyway, even though the library closes in literally five minutes (intuitive impulse two), and I find two books to put by my bed that I've already started to read (intuitive impulse three). To wit:
life is a verb - 37 days to wake up, be mindful, and live intentionally by Patti Digh (in which I have already found several great quotes and one great poem for my humanities class as well as moments of laughter and relaxation into just being me)
and
Fitting in is Overrated - The survival guide for anyone who has ever felt like an outsider by Leonard Felder (which says so many things I've always thought only nicer and more PhD in psychology-er)
I don't know how to explain how I knew that I needed to check out these particular books, except that their covers just seemed to pop at me and I felt weird leaving without them. I knew from almost 37 years of experience that if I didn't get the books now I would be thinking about them for days and finally get them anyway.
Most of my very good decisions came to me in this way. I referred to some of those very good decisions in my last post. Others include going to BYU just so I could take a class from Gene England and then doing so my very first semester there, reading Gene's "Why the Church is as True as the Gospel" as a teenager in the first place (that was another book-shining-on-the-library-shelf moment), applying for a job with DWS, dropping by the house that is now ours when it was for sale and "just happening" upon the sellers who let us just tour the house at will, going to Milo Bishop's "how to buy your first house" class just a month previously, dropping by another house a month or so before that (which did not become our house) and meeting a realtor who was "just helping out a friend that day" who did become our realtor, saying "yes" to the question, "Would you like an appointment with Sarah Jane, she's really good," (see facebook).
I think we all get the picture.
My intuition is often smarter than my brain. My brain knows it, too, and is always arguing with me in this alternatively snotty then patiently pleading voice. I occasionally give it ice cream and let it watch Digimon (or take a bath), so I can hear myself not think for awhile.
The second thing about me that I've only recently realized is that I'm a helper (the intuitive thing I've been aware of since high school at least). I help people. All. The. Time. Like today, riding in the elevator at the library down to the parking area this woman with a very Castillian accent was asking her gentleman companion how to explain in English that her heart was going very fast. He said he did not know. I gently butted in asking if she meant beating rapidly or accelerating. And just right this moment I'm feeling slightly bad that I didn't think of the term "racing," she would have liked that. She seemed very glad I butted in. Her gentleman friend seemed embarrassed.
At work I help all the time - customers, coworkers, strangers. I don't mean to be rude, but if I know the answer or know where to look for it, I am VERY likely to share. It's just this thing about me that is so intrinsic that I haven't really been aware that not all people are like this until recently. I think I finally noticed this tendency because I've been working on not "fixing" stuff for people, especially when they haven't asked me to and maybe even more especially when they have. I also like fixing stuff. And putting together puzzles and unraveling things. Gives my pattern-crazy mind something to do. :-)
Also, I like cheese. There, that's several things about me.
You might ask why I am writing all this stuff about me. Well, book one that I referred to above, reminded me that were I to suddenly shuffle off this mortal coil, I would like there to be something for my beloved kids to know me by - to know me, not just Mom, but Amanda. And here's one way I am starting to keep a record for them. As the subtitle says - this blog is simply a measure of me.
1Havi Brooks of Fluent Self dot com
So, today I went to the library to do something I really needed high-speed Internet to do and I thought, "I should go get that book Havi1 raves about, that one about nonviolent communication" (intuitive impulse one) and of course it's checked out but then I decide to go browse over in that area anyway, even though the library closes in literally five minutes (intuitive impulse two), and I find two books to put by my bed that I've already started to read (intuitive impulse three). To wit:
life is a verb - 37 days to wake up, be mindful, and live intentionally by Patti Digh (in which I have already found several great quotes and one great poem for my humanities class as well as moments of laughter and relaxation into just being me)
and
Fitting in is Overrated - The survival guide for anyone who has ever felt like an outsider by Leonard Felder (which says so many things I've always thought only nicer and more PhD in psychology-er)
I don't know how to explain how I knew that I needed to check out these particular books, except that their covers just seemed to pop at me and I felt weird leaving without them. I knew from almost 37 years of experience that if I didn't get the books now I would be thinking about them for days and finally get them anyway.
Most of my very good decisions came to me in this way. I referred to some of those very good decisions in my last post. Others include going to BYU just so I could take a class from Gene England and then doing so my very first semester there, reading Gene's "Why the Church is as True as the Gospel" as a teenager in the first place (that was another book-shining-on-the-library-shelf moment), applying for a job with DWS, dropping by the house that is now ours when it was for sale and "just happening" upon the sellers who let us just tour the house at will, going to Milo Bishop's "how to buy your first house" class just a month previously, dropping by another house a month or so before that (which did not become our house) and meeting a realtor who was "just helping out a friend that day" who did become our realtor, saying "yes" to the question, "Would you like an appointment with Sarah Jane, she's really good," (see facebook).
I think we all get the picture.
My intuition is often smarter than my brain. My brain knows it, too, and is always arguing with me in this alternatively snotty then patiently pleading voice. I occasionally give it ice cream and let it watch Digimon (or take a bath), so I can hear myself not think for awhile.
The second thing about me that I've only recently realized is that I'm a helper (the intuitive thing I've been aware of since high school at least). I help people. All. The. Time. Like today, riding in the elevator at the library down to the parking area this woman with a very Castillian accent was asking her gentleman companion how to explain in English that her heart was going very fast. He said he did not know. I gently butted in asking if she meant beating rapidly or accelerating. And just right this moment I'm feeling slightly bad that I didn't think of the term "racing," she would have liked that. She seemed very glad I butted in. Her gentleman friend seemed embarrassed.
At work I help all the time - customers, coworkers, strangers. I don't mean to be rude, but if I know the answer or know where to look for it, I am VERY likely to share. It's just this thing about me that is so intrinsic that I haven't really been aware that not all people are like this until recently. I think I finally noticed this tendency because I've been working on not "fixing" stuff for people, especially when they haven't asked me to and maybe even more especially when they have. I also like fixing stuff. And putting together puzzles and unraveling things. Gives my pattern-crazy mind something to do. :-)
Also, I like cheese. There, that's several things about me.
You might ask why I am writing all this stuff about me. Well, book one that I referred to above, reminded me that were I to suddenly shuffle off this mortal coil, I would like there to be something for my beloved kids to know me by - to know me, not just Mom, but Amanda. And here's one way I am starting to keep a record for them. As the subtitle says - this blog is simply a measure of me.
1Havi Brooks of Fluent Self dot com
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Falling in Love
So my little bro is falling in love (as is his totally cute, sweet, smart gf - can you tell I like her?). It reminds me of when Shane and I fell in love. There was something so right about all of it. I was (and am) tremendously lonely whenever he was gone. I don't know how we survived living in two states for eleven months expect through our utter faith in one another and enormous phone bills. Shane can see me the way no one else can. The thought of not being with him through my life's journey brought me unbearable sorrow and pain and the dream/image/thought of being with him brought a great sense of peace, joy, freedom, and a deep centered power. There's really no other feeling like it. It was a knowing that was deep - body/soul deep - the knowing that overwhelms and confounds the knowing that comes from the brain.
I started thinking about falling in love the other day when I went to my older son's school singing assembly. The fifth graders performed a rap about not smoking (oy!) and one rotund kid came forward, mumbling out a free flowing extended "improv" as cool as could be and another kid got up performed a break dance routine that was straight-up old school. The other kids cheered and boogied in their seats. And I started to cry. Seriously cry, tears of joy flowing down my face. I think what got me was the sense of pride in the whole class as they worked together and enjoyed the skills of their classmates. Each grade performed a song. The first graders (M's class) and the kindergartners sang a very sweet song (more tears): I like being me/and my friends help me see/I'm somebody special/happy as can be./I feel good inside/when I do what's right/I help my friends and family/I like being me. Eli and I cuddled as we watched the performances. And I swear I fell in love with all the kids/teachers/parents/etc in the auditorium.
After taking Eli to his preschool (where I already know I am in love with all his friends and have the hardest time leaving each morning) I came home and listened to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill yet again while doing laundry and grading papers. Hill's song "To Zion" was one of the inspirations for MZ's name. That song never fails to get me crying . . . "And I thank you for choosing me/To come here unto life to be/A beautiful expression of His grace." I know I'm not getting the lyrics exactly right - but this is what I hear. I think so much of the living of life well requires falling in love with life, falling in love over and over again with the people who surround us, with the Earth that sustains us, with the Spiritual powers that nurture us - with everything. Because everything is everything -- L Boogie is absolutely right on that account.
I started thinking about falling in love the other day when I went to my older son's school singing assembly. The fifth graders performed a rap about not smoking (oy!) and one rotund kid came forward, mumbling out a free flowing extended "improv" as cool as could be and another kid got up performed a break dance routine that was straight-up old school. The other kids cheered and boogied in their seats. And I started to cry. Seriously cry, tears of joy flowing down my face. I think what got me was the sense of pride in the whole class as they worked together and enjoyed the skills of their classmates. Each grade performed a song. The first graders (M's class) and the kindergartners sang a very sweet song (more tears): I like being me/and my friends help me see/I'm somebody special/happy as can be./I feel good inside/when I do what's right/I help my friends and family/I like being me. Eli and I cuddled as we watched the performances. And I swear I fell in love with all the kids/teachers/parents/etc in the auditorium.
After taking Eli to his preschool (where I already know I am in love with all his friends and have the hardest time leaving each morning) I came home and listened to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill yet again while doing laundry and grading papers. Hill's song "To Zion" was one of the inspirations for MZ's name. That song never fails to get me crying . . . "And I thank you for choosing me/To come here unto life to be/A beautiful expression of His grace." I know I'm not getting the lyrics exactly right - but this is what I hear. I think so much of the living of life well requires falling in love with life, falling in love over and over again with the people who surround us, with the Earth that sustains us, with the Spiritual powers that nurture us - with everything. Because everything is everything -- L Boogie is absolutely right on that account.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Martha Beck's "Team" thing
So, I've written many posts in my head that never made it to the keyboard. Maybe I'll remember them this weekend. Maybe not.
I've been reading Martha Beck's blog lately (marthabeck.com/blog) and I've found it interesting. Martha was a professor of mine at BYU and she had somewhat of a cult following even then. Funny to me how independent feminist types are always looking for a leader (ok, ok, that was a wild generalization that I didn't really mean, sorry). I've read all but Martha's most recent book. I've even hoisted a few copies of "Finding Your Own North Star" on unsuspecting friends. Her ideas have been very useful in my life, but I don't see her as a guru.
Anyway, her idea of a mystical team dedicated to saving the earth was interesting to me because I've known about the team, well at least a team, for a long time. In fact, her recent obsession seems a little late in the game to me, but the more the merrier. Mother Earth needs as many humans as possible paying attention and living lightly upon Her. I liked her talking about the ancestors, but I was surprised she was afraid of them at first. To me, G-d is a collective of beings dedicated to the continuation of life and the joyful enjoyment of the same - i.e. the ancestors. The ancestors came to me most strongly when I was in labor with Michael. The peace of those moments is precious to me.
The funniest thing to me about Martha's writings is how Mormon they are, without her realizing it. Her writing, coaching, everything is about getting in touch with the Spirit, bringing the Comforter's presence. The numinous knowing that she talks about is the same as a "real" testimony, the clear as day knowing what is true and the almost irrepesible need to follow that truth. I'm not really LDS anymore either (see above), but I know G-d when I see them.
In one of the posts, Martha listed certain qualities of people on her team. I realized going through them that I am not one of those people. I am certainly on the save the earth team, I'm just not on her team. And that's okay, because I have my own team, my own tribe.
It turned out to be an interesting exercise for me to respond to the qualities one by one. And, because this is my blog, I'm gonna throw it all out there and see what y'all think!
* You’ve always felt separate and odd, misunderstood by others while having the ability to make them feel understood.
True for many, many years. I feel understood by most people now that I know better how to make myself understood. People do seem to be drawn to me and always have. I believe that people tend to like me because I love them first. There are very, very few people that I have met in this life that I did not like, and even fewer that I do not love.
* You’re haunted by a feeling of having something incredibly important to do, but you don’t know what it is. Over the past couple of years, this feelings has become almost overwhelmingly intense.
True to a point. I had the overwhelming mission sense from childhood through to my mid-thirties. I drove some of my dearest friends in college insane with the “I know I need to do something important” talk. However, the feeling has actually de-intensified in the past few years. The de-intensification seems to have started after I recovered from my illness and got into therapy. I believe the feeling has de-intensified because I am on the right track and don’t need to be prodded as much anymore. At least I hope the spiritual nudges are more subtle now because I catch on quicker and not for some other more sinister reason (I’m ambidextrous, not left-handed - just a little language joke there).
In the O for You conference talk that’s online (go to the "news" section of the Martha site if you are interested), Martha talked about female students coming to her and talking about feeling they had a mission in life. Martha was one of my favorite professors actually -- and I feel like I should be referring to her as professor Beck -- and several of the students who came to her were my friends, but I was not one of the students that came to her. I knew I had a mission in life and wondered how I was going to get there, but it never occurred to me to ask Martha about that, at least not that I’m recalling now.
I do remember Martha wondering why I was so fascinated with bem diagrams of traditional masculine and feminine characteristics in the Western tradition. I was fascinated by them because I didn’t fit in any category and it confirmed what I always knew to be true – that the whole idea of certain personality traits belonging to one gender or another was bunk! The whole idea of a gender dichotomy fascinates me because it has never fit with my experiences with people. Still doesn’t.
*You hate small talk, but find that large talk is not encouraged.
I do dislike hateful small talk. However, I enjoy the kind of small talk that means, “I love you, but I’m too tired to think or speak too deeply. Let’s chat about the weather and just feel good in one another’s presence.” I find large talk wherever I go and whenever I want it, for the most part. The non-encouraging of large talk by the larger culture has never discouraged me!
*You love, love, love animals; in fact, your life feels incomplete unless you’re interacting with animals.
Not true for me. I do like animals, there have been a few special pets that I have loved. Some animals have been very bonded to me and I to them. But it’s not a “love, love, love” thing. I like people in general more than animals, but I don’t find animals to be that different that people, if that makes sense.
*Your childhood and adolescence were difficult. Like really, really difficult—abuse, addiction, years-of-total-despair difficult.
Yes and no. I did have years of great despair but I always fought it off by being true to myself. I felt that I was an “object of scorn” at my elementary and jr high school.I felt very, very alone as a child and thought my parents did not love me. But I did have G-d and a few dear friends (some of whom are still a part of my life). I broke off with some deeply bad-for-me friends in 8th grade, found much better friends in 9th grade and by 10th grade I felt I had found my people. Many of those people are still my friends. I figured out in college how to draw my people to me and have never been without friends since. I think I’ve sort of figured out how to be just normal enough not to scare everyone away!
*You’ve had a significant “life accident” such as losing several family members to death, being physically disabled, or having a child with a disability.
I lost my mom recently, but have not lost several family members unexpectedly (the old ones are mostly all gone now). No one in my immediate family is disabled and neither am I.
*You’ve had a long-term, disabling and/or painful illness that was mysteriously unresponsive to medical treatment.
Nope. I had a very rare form of cancer for which the only treatment was hysterectomy, but I wasn’t in pain, wasn’t disabled. The experience did spur me into therapy, which was good. I did have undiagnosed hypothyroidism but it responded instantly to treatment.
*You occasionally feel compelled to learn or create certain things, without really knowing why.
Make that always compelled to learn. I regularly have dozens of books checked out from the library. I read all the time! I used to wander the floors of the BYU library just looking for books that popped out to me. I recently learned that my husband did the same thing in college (but he was the U).
*You’ve begun meeting people who are like you, in a strange way you can’t articulate, and you feeling powerfully drawn to these people despite lots of surface differences.
Don’t know about this being a recent thing (see above answers). I’ve always had at least a few wonderful friends in my life at all times – I’m lucky that way. I have noticed that some of my oldest and dearest friends are interested in the same things I’m interested in about homesteading, the environment, and social stability, and I think that’s something.
I've been reading Martha Beck's blog lately (marthabeck.com/blog) and I've found it interesting. Martha was a professor of mine at BYU and she had somewhat of a cult following even then. Funny to me how independent feminist types are always looking for a leader (ok, ok, that was a wild generalization that I didn't really mean, sorry). I've read all but Martha's most recent book. I've even hoisted a few copies of "Finding Your Own North Star" on unsuspecting friends. Her ideas have been very useful in my life, but I don't see her as a guru.
Anyway, her idea of a mystical team dedicated to saving the earth was interesting to me because I've known about the team, well at least a team, for a long time. In fact, her recent obsession seems a little late in the game to me, but the more the merrier. Mother Earth needs as many humans as possible paying attention and living lightly upon Her. I liked her talking about the ancestors, but I was surprised she was afraid of them at first. To me, G-d is a collective of beings dedicated to the continuation of life and the joyful enjoyment of the same - i.e. the ancestors. The ancestors came to me most strongly when I was in labor with Michael. The peace of those moments is precious to me.
The funniest thing to me about Martha's writings is how Mormon they are, without her realizing it. Her writing, coaching, everything is about getting in touch with the Spirit, bringing the Comforter's presence. The numinous knowing that she talks about is the same as a "real" testimony, the clear as day knowing what is true and the almost irrepesible need to follow that truth. I'm not really LDS anymore either (see above), but I know G-d when I see them.
In one of the posts, Martha listed certain qualities of people on her team. I realized going through them that I am not one of those people. I am certainly on the save the earth team, I'm just not on her team. And that's okay, because I have my own team, my own tribe.
It turned out to be an interesting exercise for me to respond to the qualities one by one. And, because this is my blog, I'm gonna throw it all out there and see what y'all think!
* You’ve always felt separate and odd, misunderstood by others while having the ability to make them feel understood.
True for many, many years. I feel understood by most people now that I know better how to make myself understood. People do seem to be drawn to me and always have. I believe that people tend to like me because I love them first. There are very, very few people that I have met in this life that I did not like, and even fewer that I do not love.
* You’re haunted by a feeling of having something incredibly important to do, but you don’t know what it is. Over the past couple of years, this feelings has become almost overwhelmingly intense.
True to a point. I had the overwhelming mission sense from childhood through to my mid-thirties. I drove some of my dearest friends in college insane with the “I know I need to do something important” talk. However, the feeling has actually de-intensified in the past few years. The de-intensification seems to have started after I recovered from my illness and got into therapy. I believe the feeling has de-intensified because I am on the right track and don’t need to be prodded as much anymore. At least I hope the spiritual nudges are more subtle now because I catch on quicker and not for some other more sinister reason (I’m ambidextrous, not left-handed - just a little language joke there).
In the O for You conference talk that’s online (go to the "news" section of the Martha site if you are interested), Martha talked about female students coming to her and talking about feeling they had a mission in life. Martha was one of my favorite professors actually -- and I feel like I should be referring to her as professor Beck -- and several of the students who came to her were my friends, but I was not one of the students that came to her. I knew I had a mission in life and wondered how I was going to get there, but it never occurred to me to ask Martha about that, at least not that I’m recalling now.
I do remember Martha wondering why I was so fascinated with bem diagrams of traditional masculine and feminine characteristics in the Western tradition. I was fascinated by them because I didn’t fit in any category and it confirmed what I always knew to be true – that the whole idea of certain personality traits belonging to one gender or another was bunk! The whole idea of a gender dichotomy fascinates me because it has never fit with my experiences with people. Still doesn’t.
*You hate small talk, but find that large talk is not encouraged.
I do dislike hateful small talk. However, I enjoy the kind of small talk that means, “I love you, but I’m too tired to think or speak too deeply. Let’s chat about the weather and just feel good in one another’s presence.” I find large talk wherever I go and whenever I want it, for the most part. The non-encouraging of large talk by the larger culture has never discouraged me!
*You love, love, love animals; in fact, your life feels incomplete unless you’re interacting with animals.
Not true for me. I do like animals, there have been a few special pets that I have loved. Some animals have been very bonded to me and I to them. But it’s not a “love, love, love” thing. I like people in general more than animals, but I don’t find animals to be that different that people, if that makes sense.
*Your childhood and adolescence were difficult. Like really, really difficult—abuse, addiction, years-of-total-despair difficult.
Yes and no. I did have years of great despair but I always fought it off by being true to myself. I felt that I was an “object of scorn” at my elementary and jr high school.I felt very, very alone as a child and thought my parents did not love me. But I did have G-d and a few dear friends (some of whom are still a part of my life). I broke off with some deeply bad-for-me friends in 8th grade, found much better friends in 9th grade and by 10th grade I felt I had found my people. Many of those people are still my friends. I figured out in college how to draw my people to me and have never been without friends since. I think I’ve sort of figured out how to be just normal enough not to scare everyone away!
*You’ve had a significant “life accident” such as losing several family members to death, being physically disabled, or having a child with a disability.
I lost my mom recently, but have not lost several family members unexpectedly (the old ones are mostly all gone now). No one in my immediate family is disabled and neither am I.
*You’ve had a long-term, disabling and/or painful illness that was mysteriously unresponsive to medical treatment.
Nope. I had a very rare form of cancer for which the only treatment was hysterectomy, but I wasn’t in pain, wasn’t disabled. The experience did spur me into therapy, which was good. I did have undiagnosed hypothyroidism but it responded instantly to treatment.
*You occasionally feel compelled to learn or create certain things, without really knowing why.
Make that always compelled to learn. I regularly have dozens of books checked out from the library. I read all the time! I used to wander the floors of the BYU library just looking for books that popped out to me. I recently learned that my husband did the same thing in college (but he was the U).
*You’ve begun meeting people who are like you, in a strange way you can’t articulate, and you feeling powerfully drawn to these people despite lots of surface differences.
Don’t know about this being a recent thing (see above answers). I’ve always had at least a few wonderful friends in my life at all times – I’m lucky that way. I have noticed that some of my oldest and dearest friends are interested in the same things I’m interested in about homesteading, the environment, and social stability, and I think that’s something.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
25 Random Things about Me
Copied from facebook . . .
1. I don't believe I was ever a straight-A student. Maybe once. In fact, Marisa (my sister) generally got better grades in both high school and college than I did. For some reason, this surprises people. It doesn't surprise me. I'm too lazy to get straight As. So is Vic (my bro) except now that he's found what he loves, I wouldn't be surprised if he can't help getting straight As.
2. My favorite food is sashimi. I love raw fish - I am convinced this is due to my Scandinavian ancestry. I try not to eat it too often due to environmental concerns. My next favorite food is either rare roast beef or lamb. Can you tell that my attempts at vegetarianism did not last long?
3. Both my children were born naturally - in fact, Eli was born at home and the midwife was late, so Shane caught him. When we moved from that home this summer, Eli was the saddest of all. Just two days ago he told me that although he likes our new house, he misses the old one. I am convinced this is due to the fact that he took his first breath in the kitchen there.
4. Shane, my husband, takes much better care of me than I do of him. But he will not admit to it.
5. On the hand, Shane has addicted me to comic books, like I really needed to add more paper to my life. I'm currently reading Buffy Season Eight, Angel After the Fall, Fables and Wonder Woman. The boys love Tiny Titans. I almost never read comics before I met him.
6. I clip coupons, then forget to take them with me.
7. I have a huge collection of fabric etc. grocery bags because I keep buying new ones when I forget to take one with me. This is not good and must stop!
8. I have never colored my hair. I haven't had any sort of chemical enhancement to my locks since the 80s (yes, even I had a perm in the 80s).
7. I almost never wear makeup, even now that I am getting few age spots and light wrinkles around my eyes. On the rare occasions that I do wear makeup, people are literally stunned. I think because I am totally inept in putting on makeup. :-)
8. I love to sing but haven't been on stage in years and years. When we were driving up to Ogden for ebeilskeivers at Rissa's, I was signing along to a carol on the radio, and my son Michael said that my voice was good enough to be on the radio. He was my favorite son for at least 15 minutes.
8. I inherited an irrational need to collect rubber bands, twisty ties, and plastic bags from my Mom.
9. Speaking of Mom, she passed away a little over a year ago, but it still seems unreal to me because I can still hear her telling me corny jokes and singing silly songs in my head. It's funny that what is annoying to you in life becomes very dear in death.
10. My office is very, very tidy. My home is not. We still haven't put up all the curtains in our "new" house. We are hoping to remedy that today.
11. I go to an awesome women's group every month. You know who you are!
12. I am addicted to magazines. I collect them. I have an almost complete collection of SageWoman and the Beltane Papers. I also love Martha Stewart Living. It helps me dream. We have at least one and a half large bookcases with just my magazines.
13. I can cook if I have recipe. This is strange considering I had very little cooking experience until college. I am continually amazed at Shane's ability to take random ingredients and make a meal without a recipe. And now you know one reason why I married him.
14. Shane and I met at Duke. We are both from Utah originally. We both refused to go out together for some time because of this fact. Yet we would always hang out together at parties. I hate paying my law school loans every month, but then again, it was a bargain price for meeting Shane.
15. I buy beautiful diaries, then fail to write in them. This is one of my traits that my husband kindly puts up with.
16. When I was in grade school, I used to roam around the neighborhood collecting garbage-bound treasures. My neighbors were understandably creeped out by this.
17. My sister, Marisa, and I, who are 6 years apart in age, got our driver's licenses the same year, got married the same year, and had our first children within 8 months of one another and our second children were born within 18 hours of one another.
18. Other people always had much bigger dreams for me than I had for myself. Making a family with Shane fulfilled all my deepest dreams and for that I am eternally grateful to him.
19. I love Studio Ghibli films. In fact, we have a copy of Totoro in Japanese that we watch with the boys even though none of us speaks the language. I have seen it enough in English that I can tell the boys what people are saying, pretty much. I just like it better in Japanese. Ghibli films are so strongly, powerfully, visual that you don't have to know what people are saying for the most part.
20. I love animated movies in general. I really, really like Kung Fu Panda. It has a deeply Buddhist undercurrent that really appeals to me.
21. People who know me now are always surprised that I graduated from BYU, I guess because I'm not active in the LDS church anymore. I am deeply grateful for my years at BYU, annoying though they may have been. I met so many amazing, deeply spiritual and powerfully good people there (you also know who you are). And I got to take a class from Gene England!
22. I also inherited an inability to go anywhere without a book in my bag from my Mom. The tendency is amplified in me, actually, and I usually take at least two magazines and two books with me to work everyday, even though I know I will get no more than a few minutes chance to read.
23. I first studied women's spirituality at BYU, on my own, using the amazing library there. I didn't buy my first tarot deck until I graduated, though. I love reading tarot and am reasonably good at it - on a psychological level, not a "predict the future" level. I feel a deep and profound peace when I access that intuitive side of myself. I am mostly self-taught, but I did get to take a class from Margaret Ruth while I was on medical leave after my hysterectomy.
24. I went to church by myself as a child until my sibs started coming with me - I had a deeply awesome ward and have many dear friends from back in the day - I've always had a strong spiritual side for which I am very grateful. I think much of my sense of the universe is still LDS, but I have been profoundly influenced by many religions, particularly Judaism, Buddhism and the Goddess/Earth religions.
25. My deepest hope is for those that I love to be happy - and I love people at the drop of a hat. (BTW, thank you, Jennika, for bringing that gift to Vic). One of the best things about Facebook has been reconnecting with people I love and learning that they are well. I doubt I am the same person that you knew, if you knew me then, but hopefully I am still a person you want to know. :-) I never stop loving people once I start, which I hope all of my friends already know.
1. I don't believe I was ever a straight-A student. Maybe once. In fact, Marisa (my sister) generally got better grades in both high school and college than I did. For some reason, this surprises people. It doesn't surprise me. I'm too lazy to get straight As. So is Vic (my bro) except now that he's found what he loves, I wouldn't be surprised if he can't help getting straight As.
2. My favorite food is sashimi. I love raw fish - I am convinced this is due to my Scandinavian ancestry. I try not to eat it too often due to environmental concerns. My next favorite food is either rare roast beef or lamb. Can you tell that my attempts at vegetarianism did not last long?
3. Both my children were born naturally - in fact, Eli was born at home and the midwife was late, so Shane caught him. When we moved from that home this summer, Eli was the saddest of all. Just two days ago he told me that although he likes our new house, he misses the old one. I am convinced this is due to the fact that he took his first breath in the kitchen there.
4. Shane, my husband, takes much better care of me than I do of him. But he will not admit to it.
5. On the hand, Shane has addicted me to comic books, like I really needed to add more paper to my life. I'm currently reading Buffy Season Eight, Angel After the Fall, Fables and Wonder Woman. The boys love Tiny Titans. I almost never read comics before I met him.
6. I clip coupons, then forget to take them with me.
7. I have a huge collection of fabric etc. grocery bags because I keep buying new ones when I forget to take one with me. This is not good and must stop!
8. I have never colored my hair. I haven't had any sort of chemical enhancement to my locks since the 80s (yes, even I had a perm in the 80s).
7. I almost never wear makeup, even now that I am getting few age spots and light wrinkles around my eyes. On the rare occasions that I do wear makeup, people are literally stunned. I think because I am totally inept in putting on makeup. :-)
8. I love to sing but haven't been on stage in years and years. When we were driving up to Ogden for ebeilskeivers at Rissa's, I was signing along to a carol on the radio, and my son Michael said that my voice was good enough to be on the radio. He was my favorite son for at least 15 minutes.
8. I inherited an irrational need to collect rubber bands, twisty ties, and plastic bags from my Mom.
9. Speaking of Mom, she passed away a little over a year ago, but it still seems unreal to me because I can still hear her telling me corny jokes and singing silly songs in my head. It's funny that what is annoying to you in life becomes very dear in death.
10. My office is very, very tidy. My home is not. We still haven't put up all the curtains in our "new" house. We are hoping to remedy that today.
11. I go to an awesome women's group every month. You know who you are!
12. I am addicted to magazines. I collect them. I have an almost complete collection of SageWoman and the Beltane Papers. I also love Martha Stewart Living. It helps me dream. We have at least one and a half large bookcases with just my magazines.
13. I can cook if I have recipe. This is strange considering I had very little cooking experience until college. I am continually amazed at Shane's ability to take random ingredients and make a meal without a recipe. And now you know one reason why I married him.
14. Shane and I met at Duke. We are both from Utah originally. We both refused to go out together for some time because of this fact. Yet we would always hang out together at parties. I hate paying my law school loans every month, but then again, it was a bargain price for meeting Shane.
15. I buy beautiful diaries, then fail to write in them. This is one of my traits that my husband kindly puts up with.
16. When I was in grade school, I used to roam around the neighborhood collecting garbage-bound treasures. My neighbors were understandably creeped out by this.
17. My sister, Marisa, and I, who are 6 years apart in age, got our driver's licenses the same year, got married the same year, and had our first children within 8 months of one another and our second children were born within 18 hours of one another.
18. Other people always had much bigger dreams for me than I had for myself. Making a family with Shane fulfilled all my deepest dreams and for that I am eternally grateful to him.
19. I love Studio Ghibli films. In fact, we have a copy of Totoro in Japanese that we watch with the boys even though none of us speaks the language. I have seen it enough in English that I can tell the boys what people are saying, pretty much. I just like it better in Japanese. Ghibli films are so strongly, powerfully, visual that you don't have to know what people are saying for the most part.
20. I love animated movies in general. I really, really like Kung Fu Panda. It has a deeply Buddhist undercurrent that really appeals to me.
21. People who know me now are always surprised that I graduated from BYU, I guess because I'm not active in the LDS church anymore. I am deeply grateful for my years at BYU, annoying though they may have been. I met so many amazing, deeply spiritual and powerfully good people there (you also know who you are). And I got to take a class from Gene England!
22. I also inherited an inability to go anywhere without a book in my bag from my Mom. The tendency is amplified in me, actually, and I usually take at least two magazines and two books with me to work everyday, even though I know I will get no more than a few minutes chance to read.
23. I first studied women's spirituality at BYU, on my own, using the amazing library there. I didn't buy my first tarot deck until I graduated, though. I love reading tarot and am reasonably good at it - on a psychological level, not a "predict the future" level. I feel a deep and profound peace when I access that intuitive side of myself. I am mostly self-taught, but I did get to take a class from Margaret Ruth while I was on medical leave after my hysterectomy.
24. I went to church by myself as a child until my sibs started coming with me - I had a deeply awesome ward and have many dear friends from back in the day - I've always had a strong spiritual side for which I am very grateful. I think much of my sense of the universe is still LDS, but I have been profoundly influenced by many religions, particularly Judaism, Buddhism and the Goddess/Earth religions.
25. My deepest hope is for those that I love to be happy - and I love people at the drop of a hat. (BTW, thank you, Jennika, for bringing that gift to Vic). One of the best things about Facebook has been reconnecting with people I love and learning that they are well. I doubt I am the same person that you knew, if you knew me then, but hopefully I am still a person you want to know. :-) I never stop loving people once I start, which I hope all of my friends already know.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Remembering
The new year has now officially begun for me, now that both of my sons have had their birthdays. Having them so close to turn of the year seems to stretch out the liminal time of the holidays.
This morning I was thinking again of their births. I was very blessed to have a conscious, no-drugs, natural birth with both of them. This year we moved away from the home where Eli was born. The saddest part of leaving that place was not being reminded each time I walked into the kitchen of the miracle of this birth. I was reminded again this morning of how I lost some of the memories of their births when I had a hysterectomy. I had always suspected that certain physical memories are stored in your body - my experience after the surgery confirmed that for me. Prior to the surgery, whenever I thought of that time, the muscles of my body would respond with little twinges of memory. Birth is such an intense physical event and it seems to have been written on my body. I still have bodily memories of birth, but unsurprisingly most of those memories were stored in my uterus and cervix. None of my medical care providers warned me of the potential loss - I don't think they were aware that there would be any loss (and they were more concerned with saving my life). We are so accustomed to thinking that our "selves" are stored in our heads. Yet there is a reason that traditionally people thought their souls were stored in their hearts.
But the loss of a layer of those memories has not meant a loss of love or connection to my boys. I was deeply worried that it would at first. Now I realize that my memories of them are actually only a small part of my love for them. I enjoy their present 5 and 7 year old selves more than their baby selves. I love babies, but they don't talk. And I like talking. My boys surprise me every day with the things they say, the thoughts they put out there for me to see. I have no desire to "rewind them to a baby" as my Mom used to quote my brother Vic as saying. The boys present selves are the ones currently most precious to me. And I am so glad for that.
Let us quote Master Ugway shall we (from Kung Fu Panda):
The Past is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, but Today is a Gift,
That's why we call it "the Present."
This morning I was thinking again of their births. I was very blessed to have a conscious, no-drugs, natural birth with both of them. This year we moved away from the home where Eli was born. The saddest part of leaving that place was not being reminded each time I walked into the kitchen of the miracle of this birth. I was reminded again this morning of how I lost some of the memories of their births when I had a hysterectomy. I had always suspected that certain physical memories are stored in your body - my experience after the surgery confirmed that for me. Prior to the surgery, whenever I thought of that time, the muscles of my body would respond with little twinges of memory. Birth is such an intense physical event and it seems to have been written on my body. I still have bodily memories of birth, but unsurprisingly most of those memories were stored in my uterus and cervix. None of my medical care providers warned me of the potential loss - I don't think they were aware that there would be any loss (and they were more concerned with saving my life). We are so accustomed to thinking that our "selves" are stored in our heads. Yet there is a reason that traditionally people thought their souls were stored in their hearts.
But the loss of a layer of those memories has not meant a loss of love or connection to my boys. I was deeply worried that it would at first. Now I realize that my memories of them are actually only a small part of my love for them. I enjoy their present 5 and 7 year old selves more than their baby selves. I love babies, but they don't talk. And I like talking. My boys surprise me every day with the things they say, the thoughts they put out there for me to see. I have no desire to "rewind them to a baby" as my Mom used to quote my brother Vic as saying. The boys present selves are the ones currently most precious to me. And I am so glad for that.
Let us quote Master Ugway shall we (from Kung Fu Panda):
The Past is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, but Today is a Gift,
That's why we call it "the Present."
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