One McPeck Tall

Things I've Been Thinking About

2012-01-14T20:27:00.006-07:00

So, I do think about blogging more regularly, truly I do. In fact, for the last 6 months I've been writing down random notes to myself regarding things I'd like to blog about. But I've never actually gotten around to writing full paragraphs about these ideas, so I decided to just post the random notes. Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to expand upon.

Consciously resting and taking time for myself as a way to soothe and care for my bodily self - i.e. moving away from a purely mind-identified life/self. Ironically, doing this helps me accomplish my mind-centered tasks (for example, writing a legal brief) easier and more efficient. So more time resting and nurturing my body = more productive mental energy time. Weird, I know.

If I stop revisiting a particular memory, does that mean I've gained all I need from that moment? Have I actually managed to move on? If that is the case, then awesome, awesome, awesome.

In October my women's support group encouraged me to unsubscribe, unplug, stop reading/listening to everyone else's thoughts and write some of my own. I unsubscribed from several over-posty types of blogs, gave up on a few podcasts, deleted some "samples" from my Kindle. What a sweet, sweet relief that was. And now I spend a least a few moments each day writing notes to myself. Not so much a journal, or maybe it is, if writing three or four incomplete sentences a day can be considered a journal.

Do dreams of rearranging, refurbishing, renovating my home (but not actually my house) = fixing up the house of my mind? And why is it that dreams of "my" house never remotely resemble an actual dwelling/building I've visited in the "real" world?

The social requirement for women to be thin, yet to never appear to be hungry. I notice this is a particularly middle-class requirement. In fact, the better off you are financially/materially, the less you are supposed to eat and the more food you are supposed to leave on your plate.

What is the difference between being nourished and well-fed? Or are they the same thing, really?

The awesomeness of my daily notes to myself and my Book of Me (thanks Havi!).

Okay, blogger's being weird, so I think I'll just post these for now. I have more notes, but I'll type those up later. :D

Oh, and here's a cute picture that never fails to make me smile (this is E, with crazy piggies):

The only weird thing about all this is that nothing about it feels weird . . .

2011-07-02T13:52:00.000-06:00

Aka: The Story of Max

So, I had written a post about this on Thursday night, but, seriously, blogger for android ate my post. Thus, I am trying again from a real computer.

In late March 2011, our beloved dog, Sophie, passed away. We say she's gone to the big dog park in the sky (you know, the place with the eternally interesting new smells). We knew we would eventually want another dog, but the loss was just too great to get a new dog immediately. Sophie was my baby-dog. We got her 10 years ago, shortly before I became pregnant with M. She was there through both boylios babyhood & young childhood - she was even there when E was born. Sophie was smart, curious, gentle and sweet. I still miss her dearly. Here are two of my favorite pictures of Sophie B. Dogg:

Sophie taking a rest after a long hike

Sophie is skeptical . . .

We went to a pet adoption fair in May, but we still weren't ready yet, even though we met several cute dogs. My heart broke when we met a sweet old doggy about the same age as Sophie - I knew I couldn't lose another pet again so soon though. Shane was thinking we might wait until the fall to get a new dog. We talked about breeds we might like - even considering getting a "Konnichi-huachua."

Well, the plan to wait till fall got changed Thursday night. After dinner, I suggested we go for a walk. We randomly decided to walk down 400 East. When we approached a certain house, a small dog who kinda looked like a black Sophie with a stubby tail came out to great us. He smiled at us, smelling and licking my & M's fingers through the chain link fence. The owner, Adri, stepped out into the yard and commented how strange it was that Max wasn't barking at us. We said we liked dogs and told her about Sophie.

Then she said, "Max is actually available for adoption." She told us how her circumstances had changed and she needed to find Max a home with kids who could keep up with his masculine energy. She indicated that he wasn't doing so good in a house that already had three dogs, although she had raised him and trained him for the past two years. Shane commented about how that's why we ended up adopting Sophie, too. We came into the yard to greet Max and he immediately started licking the boys, enthusiastically wagging his tail. We decided to take him for a walk to see how he did with us without Adri nearby.

On the walk I asked Shane if he was okay to get another dog. He said, "It kinda seems like he's already adopted us." I heartily agreed! We brought him back and said we would like to take Max home. Adri started crying and said how very happy she was, and how miraculous it was that he happened to find us. Some neighbors came out to say goodbye to Max, one commenting on how calm he was acting, even though he was surrounded by four apparent strangers!

So we brought Max home and he settled right in. He loves sniffing around our yard. He is definitely a bird dog - he barks to let us know when he's found one - and he thinks he can chase motorbikes of all kinds. He likes to sleep in our bed. He's very cuddly and happy. We've taken him back by Adri's house a couple times to say hello. He loves to see her and his old friends, but within a few minutes he's ready to keep walking with us.

Here are a few pictures of our new buddy Maxi-million:

Thank you so much, Adri, for teaching Max to be such a good doggy and for letting us make Max a member of our family.

Trying to blog from my phone

2011-06-26T22:05:00.001-06:00

So this is an expirement, conducted from our back patio, listening to Jill Scott & enjoying the third glass of "no detectable sulfite" wine, 'cause I have allergies.

It's been an awesome few days. We've spent lots of time @ the Utah Arts Festival. M seems to enjoy watching dance. E not so much, unless there are leaps involved. The boyos got bear marionettes, which they love.

Plus, I've actually accomplished a few needed household tasks, which is truly amazing. I've listened to several awesome podcasts while cleaning & laundering, which made it way easier. What's amazing to me is how engaging in a fairly mindless task (like hanging laundry) sharpens my focus on what I'm listening to -- so much so that when I return to the same physical location later on I can recall exactly what I was listening to earlier. I've noticed the same phenomenon working on puzzles.

Also, Rene Marie's Voice of My Beautiful Country is simply impeccable, haunting & inspiring. You should take a listen, seriously.

Pondering blogging again . . .

2011-06-21T23:11:00.000-06:00

So clearly I haven't blogged in a very long time. I've been following My5wmd's advice and letting the blog serve me by basically not doing anything with it. I have many thoughts that I think I should write down, but then I just let those thoughts just float on down the stream. And I kind of like it that way. Because if I focus on how I would put my thoughts into a blog post, I totally lose contact with that present moment of thought.

I think it's like how carrying a camera around can totally focus your attention while simultaneously making you miss everything that's not on the camera viewer. The other night Shane, the boylios and I walked over to Liberty Park. I brought our camera and my phone (which has a camera). At one point I got so immersed playing with camera settings and snapping pics, I lost track of my family, who had continued walking on. And I noticed I was focused on the pictures I was taking, instead of the sunset itself. So I put the camera away. Still got some awesome photos though:

I like the light on the water in this one

Changing the setting brings out the rose tones

Here the settings make the picture look like it was taken right at dusk

Of course, even though I'm not blogging, I still facebook constantly (as all of you who follow me already know). So maybe there's not really time in my life for both. Hmmm . . .

The Transitional Inch Worm - Photos!

2010-10-07T08:25:00.000-06:00

Yay, pictures!!


Profile View

Smiling and right atcha service Ma'am!

Isn't she just the cutest little worm? I wish I could capture her in action better. In real life there's more blue to her green (about the color of this type), but she is also hard shiny plastic, and hard shiny plastic creates a glare when flashed upon, and I had to tweak the photos a bit so you could see the detail.

And now to wind her up so I can transition to work!

Birthday Reading, Relaxation, Transitional Inch Worms & Other Random Stuff

2010-10-03T17:43:00.017-06:00

Birthday Tarot Reading

My birthday always feels like my own personal New Year's Day holiday - a day for me to think about the outgoing year, the upcoming year, my hopes/dream/wishes and design/dream/plan a pathway through it all. I decided to get a reading with Margaret Ruth for my birthday (again) to assist in this processing. MR assisted me with a traditional tarot card reading, asking my guides/angels/committee about what I needed to do for what comes next in my life. And the answer was, RELAX. Chill. Enjoy. Be happy. How awesome of an answer is that?! Seems this answer is also something I've been exploring for awhile (see here and here) and I like getting reinforcement from my spiritual helpers.

MR mentioned that my guides said I was blocking their answers. That feels true to me - I have a tendency to resist relaxation. However, I have found that when I try to force myself to do stuff, my body will resist me by getting sick or exhausted. I when I try to force myself to relax when there's real work to be done, my body will resist me by going into anxiety overload. When I do what is needful (i.e. don't resist doing things when things really do need doing, don't resist resting when resting is needed) and keep breathing through it all, my life works and I don't get sick all the time. (Ever so not-surprisingly, the guides also mentioned that if I would keep with the relax motto my health would improve.) So, there you have it: The Plan for the Year - Relax. Which leads me to my next topic . . .

Relaxation

I am not particularly skilled at relaxing. As I mentioned above, I have this habit of worrying my way through rest so that my "resting" time isn't actually restful. I've been learning for the past year various ways to actually engage the relaxation response and turn off my brain when I'm relaxing. Sometimes, if thoughts keep interrupting my rest, I just have to get up and do whatever is bugging me, and then I can relax. Other time, I have to just accept the worrying as a part of my brain without clicking into that frantic-worry-space in my head. I've also realized that I have to make space for relaxing - mark that I am moving from "productive" space to "creative" space, if you will. Which leads me to my next topic . . .

Inch Worms

So the transitional inch worm is a little wind-up toy I got at the Discovery Gateway store. Whenever I've feeling like I'm stuck in a place and need some help inching out of it, I wind it up. She then scoots along the table merrily, helping me release my attachment to the task that is done already, and onto whatever needs attention next. Havi inspired this idea.

Random Stuff

Looking for a particular book discussed on 3 Quarks Daily I found a new book to be published by OSC, Pathfinder. At first glance, it looks like the kind of book I like to read by Mr. Card - realistic people with magical abilities attempting to make their way through a charged moral universe. What a nice little bit of accidental findings.

Going on a gentle, ride-around-the-park-twice, bike ride with the kids was sweet and wonderful. The best part was just doing it instead of putting it off, putting it off, then it starts raining and not doing it.

Now I am going to just do the thing that keeps popping in my head.

The "it's been a few months, perhaps I should write something" post

2010-08-08T14:25:00.063-06:00

Two posts and several months ago, I blamed my lack of writing on a busy schedule of judgifying (no that's not really a word) and teachifying (ditto). Apparently my lack of writing is due to something else. I now blame sunshine, hiking, and lazy evenings sipping wine on the patio with Dr. C. Ahh, summer. Isn't it just AWESOME!

I have written a few blog posts in my head this summer, mostly as I'm biking home from work. Then I remind myself to enjoy the ride, the sunshine, the trees, the mountains . . . and I forget what I was going to blog about. Oh well!

I was re-reading my post about my 2009 intentions and realized I have not really changed my intentions much. This one got to me:

So, my biggest intention this year is to simply be with whatever my feelings are and not try to force myself into some half-formed ideal.

Still working on this, think I will be for a long time. I noticed when I went to my 20-year high school reunion last night that I was doing some of the forced-feeling thing. Not in the "wow I am so happy to see you (not)" way but in the "I don't care if anyone notices how fat and unstylish I am" way. Only after I gave up on all that did things get fun. Big surprise there, eh? And I realized this morning how, well, nervous I was and that I acted all weird trying to hide my nervousness from myself. What a colossal waste of time. On the other hand, nervousness got me to paint my toenails a delicious shade of teal.

Some of the things we planted didn't survive, like the Coral Canyon Twinspur, the thyme, the various stonecrops, flox and sedums (I just did not water them enough), a couple of the newest penstemons. There's one corner of the front walk that's really hard on plants. The walk also faces west, so it gets intense sun in the afternoon. The shrubs are growing very slowly - we hope they are building good root systems.

As for the food plants: the tomatoes have really taken off, as have our berry canes. The corn is tiny and most of the broccoli has been more bitter than it should be. Good greens and herbs. We have both intentional and volunteer squashes. We have no insect pest problems because there is a flock of about two-dozen quail who nest in the old pheasant cages next door. They swoop into the garden every morning and eat all the bugs. (They also enjoy baby plants - that was an adventure.) After the fall harvest, we intend to till everything we can and sow a late soil-building crop. Year by year the land will get better and produce more, we hope. We also need to do more tree pruning, to let some light in.

You might have noticed that I changed the layout of the blog. I thought that having the rain motif might encourage the monsoon season to, you know, create some actual rain. I also created better links to some cool blogs. I will hopefully be updating my reading lists soon.

Well, I think that's sufficient updatey-ness. Hope you are also enjoying your summer!

What we planted – Year Two

2010-05-31T14:55:00.002-06:00

As I have noted before, we specifically bought a house with a lot of yard so we could be more self-sustaining. I think a big part of sustainability is providing food for wild pollinators, so we've bought many native flowers. Our basic plan is to get rid of all the noxious weeds and replace them with site-appropriate flowers and food gardens. We’ve eliminated weeds as best we can in the actual flower/produce beds and around the roses. I plan to expand the beds out every week and covering the cleared area with mulch. Some of the weeds we don’t mind so much – like the Persian carpet, which is pretty and shallowly rooted. Others, like little mallow and bindweed are more destructive and competitive with beneficial plants. Getting rid of those is our first priority and we try to remove them everywhere, not just in the beds. We are also attacking the dandelions, which are beneficial plants but Shane is very allergic to them. I think of weed replacement as a kind of war – choosing battlegrounds, establishing and maintaining a perimeter, that sort of thing. One day we hope to vanquish the “enemy” but given that it likely took 10 years of neglect to “ruin” our yard, it will probably take 10 years of effort to “fix” it.

We don't plan to put down any sod – with Liberty Park and the kids' school within easy walking distance we don't see the need for a grassy spot of our own. Shane is pretty much in charge of the food bearing plants and I’m in charge of the flowers. I love veg gardens, but don’t have the time to care for them. Shane isn’t working as many hours as I am this summer so he has more time for the more intensive care food gardens need. Anyway, we have planted many native flowers, because they require little extra water and support wild bees, plus they just look awesome! The non-native perennials we’ve bought mostly need very little additional watering. Some of the perennials we planted last year have really taken off and others didn’t survive the winter. I need to ensure I cut back the perennials before the snow gets heavy next year. We bought the native perennials from Wasatch Gardens and Millcreek Gardens. They were mostly grown by Perennial Favorites (perennialfavoritesnursery), Plant Select® For the Rocky Mountain and Plains States, and Intermountain Native Plant Growers Association (utahschoice.org).

I hope to fill the front yard on the sides of the walk with bushes and perennials, with a winding, stepping-stone path for enjoying the scents and sights. The front yard came with some amazing, well-established roses in the center-front of both sides of the walk, and some not-so-well-established roses along the fence and front of the house. There is also a baby's breath bush that I suspect is quite old as it grew out about 4 feet wide and 4 feet tall last summer, even though it was pruned to the stump. The front yard also has a Tree of Heaven, which Shane has pruned vigorously. We actually hope to get rid of this tree and replace it with a nut tree some day. Tea roses, grape hyacinth, and irises surround the tree. There is another huge tea rose on the southwest corner of the house. We have to prune the one by the house so we can walk by it. The tea roses smell divine. The larger roses also smell nice.

The side yard also came with huge roses – we suspect one particular bush is over 50 years old – plus a few new, smaller rose bushes. We established a small strawberry patch last year by the faucet (it gets all the water run off, which minimizes watering time for us) and replaced a patch of goat’s heads with berry bushes. This year we've put in some low-water-need perennials along the house.

Huge box elder trees dominate the middle back yard. We tried a vegetable garden there last year, but the shade made the corn sad. The tomatoes did all right, as did some herbs and the Brussels sprouts, so we are trying a different mix of veggies this year in that area. When I think of how this part of the yard was completely infested with goat’s heads when we moved in, I am amazed at our progress.

The "very back" yard (behind the garage) also has some huge box elder trees. We planted two apples and a plum out there last year. We eventually hope to have a mini-orchard out there, but for now we are filling out the space with vegetables. Shane has planted a variety of tomatoes, peppers, squash, cauliflower, and onions. He intends to put in corn and beans later on. The cold weather has probably stunted our tomatoes and peppers, but we’re hoping they’ll still be reasonably productive.

Okay, so here’s the perennial plant list. Newest plants are in bold. Descriptions from the plant tags are in quotes, unless otherwise noted.

Front Yard

Front strip:
Last year we tried two Atriplex Canescens (Four-Winged Saltbush) but neither survived the winter – we think they got stepped on under the snow. Many people we don't know park in front of our house, then step on the front strip to get to the sidewalk. We are trying to direct traffic a bit and encourage them to walk on the pathway we laid down instead of our plants, which they did in the summer but apparently the snow obscured the path. Anyway, we replaced one saltbush with:
Fallugia Paradoxa (Apache Plume)
“This showy bush produces white flowers that are followed by silky pink seedpod plumes. Dark green leaves have a silver underside. When the shrub is covered with feathery plumes, it is said to resemble an Apache headdress.” From Perennials Favorites website: “Beautiful native shrub with excellent drought tolerance. Does well in rocky, gravelly soils. Seed clusters with feathery tails give it a plume type appearance. White, solitary flowers bloom June through August.” We are hoping this reaches at least half its full height of 72" this summer so no one will step on it when the snow comes. This adapts to dry conditions, which is good because we hate having to drag the hose out to the front strip.
Artemisia X Absinthium (Powis Castle Wormwood)
“A vigorous English hybrid which forms a handsome mound of finely divided silvery leaves. Invaluable for breaking the monotony of green foliage in the garden. Provides beautiful contrast in rock gardens, borders, or containers.” We planted two last year. One has come back just fine but the other isn’t doing so well. I failed to prune them last year, which caused some of the problem. Note to self: pruning wormwood in the spring is not an option!
On the other end of the strip, Shane planted some Lemon Balm and Pineapple Mint that have really thrived. The following were part of a mix we planted last year that worked out well:
Linum perenne 'Lewisii' (Blue Flax)
“Airy . . . with blue flowers borne in loose clusters above grey-green foliage.”
Eschscholzia californica (Papaveraceae) (California Poppy)
“An upright, compact annual or tender perennial native to California and the southwestern United States. Extremely drought tolerant, ideal for arid environments. The brilliant orange, cup-shaped flowers, are 2-4 inches in diameter, borne individually on long stalks. Prefers full sun in light to sandy soils. Remarkably uniform and neat in appearance. A popular variety to press. Not hardy below 20F. An excellent color accent to any wildflower planting. The state flower of California. Blooms close each night at sunset or on dull days. The finely divided foliage is bluish-green in color making identification easy prior to flowering.” (text copyright WILDSEED FARMS.)
Queen Anne’s Lace
North of Walk (between rosebush & baby’s breath and the fence):
Artemisia vulgaris (‘Oriental Limelight’ Variegated Wormwood)
“A beautiful foliage plant for a sunny location. The uniquely marked foliage is green with irregular lemon-yellow variegation and nice self-branching habit. An aggressive grower that is widely adaptable to any well drained soil type.” From Proven Winners website.
Hedysarum boreale (Utah Sweetvetch)
“Spikes of very fragrant, bright pink pea-like flowers bloom above spreading foliage. A favorite of butterflies and hummingbirds. . . . Strings of seed pods add winter interest.” But from the Perennial Favorites website we learn: “Legume with large, striking red/purple/pink flowers. Blooms spring to summer. Provides valuable forage for wildlife. Tolerant of clay soils.”
Salvia Pachyphylla (Mojave Sage)
“Vibrant flower spikes attract butterflies to the garden and are great cut. Complements many perennials including yarrow, coreposis and ornamental grasses. Extend flowering and promote rebloom by removing faded flowers.” From Perennial Favorites website: “Intensely aromatic evergreen foliage. Silver-green leaves set off persistent mauve bracts that surround the flower. Summer through fall.”
Artemisia tridentate vaseyana (Mountain Big Sagebrush)
“Fast-growing, evergreen shrub with soft gray-green foliage and a wonderful scent, especially after rain. Good in informal plantings with native grasses and perennials. Great for winter structure and interest.” From Perennial Favorites website: “Higher elevation species of big sage. Silver, blue-green foliage is aromatic and three lobed at the tips. Evergreen and drought tolerant. Flowers are inconspicuous.” Ours is growing slowly, likely due to the clay soil. It’s supposed to grow 3’by 3’, but ours is barely a foot tall and 6” wide. We hope it will eventually reach its potential as we continue to amend the soil throughout the yard.
Chrystohamnus nauseosus (Rubber Rabbitbrush)
“Shrub with rounded head, yellow flowers in late summer, gray foliage.” This is supposedly able to reach as far as 6’ tall but ours is barely a foot tall again, likely due to the clay soil.
Front Walk (From sidewalk to steps)
Last year I planted the same plants on either sides of the walk. It looked really cute, but not everything survived. We had a bunch of Alyssum in the front, which looked great but did not reseed. My goal is to line the walk with native perennials. I’ve noticed that the bees love everything we’ve planted, particularly native bumblebees – like the all black kind and the kind with a red stripe on the thorax. We tried Wild Thing sage and Heather Queen mosquito plant last year, but neither survived. We may try the same plants again somewhere else in the yard.
North side of Walk:
Diascia integerrima (Coral Canyon ® Twinspur, introduced by Denver Botanic Gardens and Colorado State University)
“A cloud of soft pink, oval flowers . . . This heat tolerant introduction from the East Cape Dtakensberg Range of South Africa has a wide tolerance of soil and exposure. By far the toughest performer in this novel genus of everblooming wildflowers.” Bees love this stuff. We planted some last year but it didn’t survive on either side of the walk. We like it so much we decided to try again. We’re going to baby it a bit more and make sure to prune in the fall, to prevent snow damage.
Penstemon hybrida (Firebird Beard-Tongue)
“Bright flower spikes are striking in the garden or bouquet. Attracts hummingbirds. Outstanding in rock gardens.” I have seen no hummingbirds, but I’m guessing they are scared off by the traffic and the starlings and house finches that have built nests under the porch eaves.
Penstemon x (Midnight Beard Tongue)
“Showy purple bell-flowers are produced on this spikes . . . Penstemon is a native wildflower which is deservedly gaining popularity of is garden friendliness and dependable bloom. . . .Attracts beautiful hummingbirds to the garden.” See above re: hummingbirds.
Penstemon eatonii (Firecracker Penstemon)
“Handsome perennial with tall stalks of brilliant red blossoms that rise above glossy, dark green foliage. One of the best plants for hummingbirds in early summer. . . .” From Perennial Favorites website: “Drought tolerant species adapting to a wide range of soils and elevations. Important forage plant for birds and insects.” Again with the non-existent hummingbirds! (E swears he's seen hummers around the flowers, but I haven't) Bees love this plant, too, and I personally like bees better than hummingbirds. This is supposed to like well-drained soil but it actually did brilliantly in our clay soil – it didn’t flower last year when we planted it but it took off this year. I double dug the bed and amended the soil with compost – that probably helped. Our's also isn’t the predicted height of 3’ and width of 2’, but it’s darn close.
Sedum album (Coral carpet stonecrop)
This is growing very fast, just as the plant tag said it would. We are thinking of bordering the walk with stonecrop and moving the perennials back a foot in the fall, if that’s possible.
Geranium Viscosissimum (Sticky Cranebill or Mountain Geranium)
“Saucer-shaped pink or purple flowers provide a beautiful display. The green, delicately dissected foliage turn red in fall. One of the best hardy geraniums.” “Beautiful foliage turns burgundy in fall.” I love these plants. Unfortunately, one of the ones we planted last year didn't survive the winter. We saw hundreds of these growing wild on a mountain hike in Nevada. The tag says this will grown to 3’ tall and 3’ wide. Ours have not grown this big, possibly due to clay soil and possibly because we’ve chosen to water less. The growers recommend some supplemental water. I personally don’t think this native plant needs much water – we only watered about once a week during the summer last year and it’s quite healthy. However, we’ve learned not to let it get totally buried in salty snow – or let ants build a colony under it.
Scrophularia Macrantha (Figwort or Red Birds in a Tree)
“Like its relative the Penstemon, this plant has wands of red flowers that attract hummingbirds like crazy. Interesting, oddly shaped flowers do not require deadheading. Its winding habit causes it to lean attractively on nearby plants for support.” I’m excited to see how this one grows. We planted it farther back from the walk and gave it a cute bamboo arch for support.
Sedum spurium (Tricolor Sedum)
“Starry pink flowers bloom above succulent green leaves with cream and pink edges. Remove any all green shoots immediately.”
Phlox subulata (Emerald Pink Phlox)
“Bright pink flowers cover low, evergreen plants in April and May.
Artemesia frigida (Fringed Sage)
“Hardy, easy to grow subshrub with attractive soft silver foliage. Can be planted in rock gardens as a ground cover or as an accent plant. Very cold and drought tolerant. ” This may be my favorite species of local sagebrush. It has done really well by our front steps – maybe too well. We might need to move it. I love the soft leaves, that capture the rain ingeniously and manage to look both elegant and cute while doing so.
South Side of Walk:
Linum perenne 'Lewisii' (Blue Flax)
Geranium Viscosissimum (Sticky Cranebill/Geranium or Mountain Geranium)
Thymus Serpyllum (Pink Chintz Thyme)
“Wonderfully fragrant foliage provides a treat for the senses. A charming display of salmon-pink dainty blooms.” Thyme doesn’t like clay soil, but I thought I’d see how this does as a ground cover between the larger perennials.
Penstemon Pseudospectalis (Desert Beard Tongue)
“Spikes of rose-purple blooms, often with yellow tinged throats, contrasted by slender, blue-green leaves. This American Southwest native will attract hummingbirds to your garden.” Yes, hummingbirds again. Although the tag says that it requires well-drained soil, this one thrived on this side of the walk, even with our heavy clay soil. We did not cut back after flowering, which, combined with piles of snow, led to the other one dying this winter, I think. The one on this side of the walk came back with a vengeance and currently looks great.
Penstemon eatonii (Firecracker Penstemon)
Penstemon x Mexicali (Pikes Peak Purple® introduced by Denver Botanic Gardens and Colorado State University)
“Durable hybrid penstemon selected from crosses made by Bruce Meyers between Mexican and American wild penstemons. Narrow, dark green leaves form and attractive mound. Pikes Peak Purple ® sports a constant succession of violet-purple flowers all summer. It thrives in a range of sites and soils.”
Nepeta 'Psfike (Little Trudy® Catnip introduced by Denver Botanic Gardens and Colorado State University)
“This hybrid catnip was selected at Little Valley Wholesale Nursery for its distinctive serrated, silvery foliage and long season of lavender bloom. . . . It is the most compact catnip cultivar.”
Polemonium caeruleum (Jacob's Ladder, Apricot Delight)
“Profuse flowers and striking foliage. Attractive in the rock garden, perennial or woodland garden, or massed beneath shrubs or flowering trees. Beautiful with spring bulbs and hosta. Good cut flower for early season bouquets.”
Saxifraga x agrendsii (Peter Pan or Red Cap)
This is a cute little stone-crop/phlox-like succulent ground cover.
By the House Between the small white roses (north side):
Galium ordoratum (Sweet woodruff)
“Plants form a low mat with bright green leaves. Clusters of starlike white flowers . . . Dried stems and leaves used in sachets and potpourris. ”
Between the silver rose and wild tea rose (south side):
Polemonium reptans (Stairway to Heaven or Jacob's Ladder)
“Grayish green variegated creamy white. Rosy new growth. Bell-like, light blue flowers. Clumping. Woodland areas, specimen, large pots.”
South of Walk (by the Tree of Heaven and various roses):
Cercocarpus Montanus (True Mountain Mahogany)
“Deciduous lower-growing variety with attractive foliage and a dense, symmetrical growth habit. Small pinkish flowers are followed by feathery silver-white fruits. Very drought tolerant. A favorite browse shrub for deer. ” From Perennial Favorites website: “Deciduous, lower-growing variety with dense, symmetrical growth habit. Small pink flowers blooming late spring through early summer. Very drought tolerant.” Deer don't quite make it to 300 East, but if they come, we'll have some food.
Chamaebatiaria millefolium (Fernbush)
“Semi-evergreen shrub with fragrant, fernlike foliage and spires of white flowers in midsummer. Golden-brown seedheads add interest in winter. An easy, fast-maturing plant tolerant of a wide range of growing conditions.” From Perennials Favorites website: “Intensely aromatic lacy foliage adorned with snowy white flowers. Makes a formal mound with light pruning. Attractive winter seed heads and habit. A tough Western shrub. Blooms summer.

Side Yard

Side of House:
Gaillardia Pinnatifolia (Hopi Blanketflower)
“Easy-to-grow native plant reseeds itself very readily. Deadhead to control spread. Its long-blooming yellow flowers perk up your garden when most flowers are going dormant.” From Perennial Favorites website: “Easy to grow and a prolific bloomer all summer long. Large flowers with bright red centers surrounded by small, ray-type yellow petals.”
Agastache Aurantiaca (Orange Hyssop)
“Beautiful spikes of tubular flowers attract hummingbirds. Long stems hold highly aromatic mint-scented foliage. Excellent choice for mixed borders, and does well in containers also.”
Leptinella Squalida (Platt's Black Brass Buttons)
“Wonderfully textured, purple-gray leaves look great all season long. Adapts to most soil types. Perfect for filling in between paving stones as it can withstand light foot traffic. Reliable ground cover for any location Prefers fertile, sharply drained soil. Tolerates drought, but looks best with regular watering.”
Sphaeralcea Munroana (Munroe Globemallow)
“These shrubs form an unusual and attractive vase-like shape, bearing spectacular orange flower spikes. Its heat and drought tolerance are legendary. Deer-resistant plants are not picky about soil. These garden workhorses shine in severe heat.” From Native Perennials website: “Extremely tough, drought tolerant native perennial. Great choice for low water use areas of the landscape. Salmon-orange flowers bloom in June.”
Sphaeralcea Coccinea (Scarlet Globemallow)
“Small native plants produce orange flowers above wedge-shaped leaves. The Navajo made a tea of the whole plant and used it as a healing herb. Useful in native or wildflower gardens.” From Native Perennials website: “Large, delicate flowers are scarlet-orange around the edges and cream colored in the center. Blooms May through July. Excellent drought tolerance.”
By Fence:
Lavender really does not like our soil and neither specimen liked being shaded lots of the day by the Tree of Heaven but one put out a single lovely stalk of flowers. The Tree of Heaven took care of mulching for us. We intend to work more sand into the soil in our lavender patch. We also planted a lavender plant in the front yard, hoping that it might like the sun there. But the soil just works against us.
Lavandula angustifolia (Lady Lavender)
Lavandula angustifolia (Hidcote Lavender)
“Silver-gray foliage. Flowers are deep purple and aromatic.”
The berry patch is really taking off this year. The golden currants are putting out lots of flowers/fruit, as are the black raspberries. We are looking forward to a full-on bramble in a couple of years.

Middle Back
Under Patio Trees:
Tiarella (Spring Symphony Foam Flower)
“Compact foliage is cut and ‘painted’ with black along the mid-rib. Leaves are palmate, clumping and neat” with pink foamy flowers. Another person at the garden store indicated that they spread well, which is what we want. We are hoping to continue to build a shade loving flowerbed under the trees. We bought two Tiarellas and will see how they do.
Heuchera sanguinea (Snow Angel Coral Bells)
“Low-growing mounds of light green, broadly-lobed leaves are marbles with a light cream variegation that brightens shady gardens. Spikes of pinkish-red bells add a complimentary note from late spring into summer. An excellent plant for shade.”
Trifoliumrepens 'Atropurpureum' (Dark Dancertm White clover)
"Vigorous grower with dark clover-shaped leaves; white summer flowers; can be aggressive." From Proven Winners website. This area is filled with weeds, so we are kind of hoping the plant will be aggressive with those, but we'll have to keep an eye that it doesn't try to kill the flowers.
Surrounding Veggie Gardens:
Marigold
We were pleasantly surprised when one of our marigolds from last year came back this year, though it took a few minutes to figure out what it was! The leaves of that particular specimen are particularly fragrant. Marigolds are such a wonderful plant - the children love them and they keep away bugs. The kids actually asked us to buy marigolds the last time we were at the garden center. We chose the most “marigoldy” smelling varieties. We will need to mark each place we’ve planted so as not to till these under in the fall – I would love to have them come back again.

In which I attempt to explain my lack of blogging

2010-04-03T20:24:00.001-06:00

The best way to explain why I haven't posted anything since January is to describe a typical week. We will start on Monday, which is when my week seems to me to begin, in a subjective sense.
note - Dr. C, Shane, and DH are all the same person. :)

Monday

Alarm goes off at 6:10. I don't usually actually get out of bed until 6:45. I tend to hit the snooze and have 9 minute mini-meditations, sleepily chat with my DH, or yell at Bill on RFH to stop yelling (irony is totally lost on me early in the am) until I'm finally awake enough to actually get out of bed. My breakfast generally consists of coffee, maybe some toast. I'm not really supposed to eat anything for an hour or so after I take my thyroid meds anyway, and I don't consider coffee with honey and cream to be "eating." Shane and I do our best to get us all out of the house by 7:30. The boyos go to b-fast at school and I grab a bus to work, or bike, depending on the weather. Dr C goes off to teach his classes at SLCC (both elementary school and SLCC are wonderfully within walking distance).

I start work between 8 and 8:30, depending on how well the morning went and my mode of transportation. I generally work 10 hours straight, with only two 15-minute breaks, three if I don't feel like eating my lunch while writing decisions. For extra weirdness, I often answer emails from students or read books related to the class I teach during breaks, because it is apparently impossible for me to read or work "too much" in a day. I also check the NY Times and Salon for mini mental health break. Anyway, on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays I have hearings scheduled at 9, 10:30, 1:30, 3 and 4:30. In between hearings, I write decisions, prepare for other hearings, and attempt to maintain friendly relationships with my awesome coworkers. I usually leave work by 6:30, unless my 4:30 hearing is a particularly long one.

Shane usually has dinner ready when I get home because he is so totally awesome. We attempt to get the children in bed by 8. Usually Shane takes the lead role in such tasks because I come home pretty tired and I have an unfortunate habit of facebooking and blog surfing when I get home. At 8:30 Dr C and I enjoy Big Bang Theory and at 9 we enjoy Castle. I usually read for a bit before falling asleep by 11. I often write blog posts in my head while falling asleep, then forget them upon awakening.

Tuesday

See Monday, minus TV, plus web surfing and feeble attempts at preparing for class.

Wednesday

Ditto Tuesday.

Thursday

The lovely thing about Thursday is that I only have three hearings scheduled, at 9, 10:30 and 1:30. I use the additional time to catch up on writing decisions, proofing and sending out decisions, and getting ready for the next week. I also spend far more of break time getting ready for class the next day. Depending on how the week has gone, when I get home I either spend my time getting ready for class or surfing the web (sometimes both at the same time).

Friday

I might actually sleep in to 7, depending on how stressed I am about class. My class starts at 9:30 and continues till 12:20. Prior to the class I review power-points and papers. My teaching style is a mix of discussion facilitation and soft pedal lecturing. I use a lot of power-points and video because I want to show my students as much art as possible. Usually one or two students stay after class to chat for a minute or two. I love that. I love my students. I don't write about them more specifically out of respect for their privacy.

The boyos get out of school at 12:30. Dr C usually picks them up, then we meet up at home. Often times all I want to do on Friday is lunch, then nap. The boyos often talk us into doing something fun in the evening and we often go out to eat for dinner - we have many local fave restaurants. Occasionally Shane & I are lucky enough to get a babysitter so we can spend some time together.

Saturday

I try to sleep in, but it's hard for me to sleep later than 9. I start up the laundry in the morning, if I have the energy, then update our financial records for the week. Laundry and money watching are my main contributions to household maintenance. I spend a lot of time reading, surfing the net, grading papers, running errands, and attempting to return the house to a less chaotic state on the weekend. Or worrying about not doing such while trying to take a nap. I also try to remind my children that they have a mom as well as a dad. We also try to see extended family at some point during the weekend at least once a month. There is often more eating out, because Shane and I are total foodies, and have turned our children into foodies, too.

Sunday

See Saturday. Then add a strong sense of desperation as I try to get laundry and grading done before the week starts over.

Conclusion?

So what's so different about this week, that I'm actually blogging? I have no idea. Except I'm blogging while watching Duke in the final four. And I feel a bit guilty that I haven't blogged for awhile. I've started drafting a few serious posts, but haven't posted them yet. This one is far more free-style, as you can no doubt tell. I'm guessing I'll post more come May, when the semester is over, since I won't be teaching this summer and will theoretically have more time for nonessential stuff.

So, what's your week like?

Regarding painful thoughts

2010-01-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

So, in the past I have mentioned using Byron Katie's process, called "the work", to question and explore my thoughts. I would like to be more clear that the kind of thoughts I am currently questioning are the thoughts that bring me pain. I don't mean every thought that comes to my head - that's just more than I could possibly handle right now. I working on noticing which background, nearly subconscious thoughts bring me what I've learned to call dirty pain. Dirty pain, for me, is the kind of pain that comes from believing untrue thoughts. Believing lies, in my life at least, equates with dirty pain.

I'd like to give an example. This is a very deep and personal example, so I ask that you please by gentle in your comments about this.

I've been noticing that I am feeling a lot of sorrow today. Some of that is very clean sorrow/pain - it is the pain of remembering that my Mom is no longer here in the flesh. The pain of her not being here - outside of any thought of what her not being here means - feels like a very true, clean pain. The grief in me was stirred up by a very sweet and joyous occasion. Yesterday, three of my very dear friends came to my house for some brunch, deep conversation, and tarot. One of these friends, who has not seen me for several months, noted how much softer my face looked and remarked that the tension in my forehead has released (at least to an extent!). I believe this is a product of my letting go. My dear friend mentioned that the overall effect of this softening was that I looked "10 years younger" (so, late twenties instead of thirties). I remarked how this was just my genetic legacy and showed them a picture of Mom at about 62 or so - she looks about 45 or 50. Part of this is just how young baby boomers look in general (at least in comparison to our cultural story about what certain ages look like), and some of this is just a peasant combination of English peasant/pioneer hardiness and Danish regularness of features.

Anyway, I kept a picture of Mom on the table while I read cards for my friends. Mom in the flesh would not be comfortable with tarot cards, no matter how feminist and empowering (and they are). However, I get the strong feeling that Mom in the Spirit was just fine with my friends and I using the images on the cards to make connections and find ideas to make our lives richer and more meaningful. One of my friends noted several copies of Dialogue sitting out and asked me if I had been Mormon at one time. I indicated that I had and this was a great surprise to her (and here I thought my heritage was obvious). I told her it was a long story - but it was a long story I never ended up telling (and I will tell another day, I think).

Later last night, while I was in the bath, I started telling my friend my story in head (I talk to people in my head a lot). And while telling the story to myself (in the guise of telling my friend) I had some realizations about my parents that I hadn't had before. I felt faintly Mom's presence and she asked me if I was glad that she had passed away. I said yes and no. I am so deeply grateful that she is so much happier now on the other side. Everytime I feel her presence she feels so much more joyful and peaceful. If death was necessary for her to feel that peace, then I believe her death was a good thing. On the other hand, I miss feeling her earthly, physical presence. And I relayed to Mom the experience of dressing and preparing her body for burial. The cancer had so ravaged her body that it was almost unrecognizable to me - it was as if I was dressing a stranger. And then I smoothed her hair. Mom's hair had an unmistakable softness and silkiness - like a newborn baby's - and that texture in my fingers confirmed for me that this body was really her body, that her body had really stopped working completely - had given up her ghost/spirit/soul. I called my sister over and she stroked Mom's hair, too. And we both just cried and cried. I told Mom that I missed stroking her hair, I missed rubbing her feet and her rock-solid shoulders, I missed feeling her hug me in simultaneously hesitant and ferocious embrace. I told her how much I regretted that our relationship when she was embodied was not as good as it is currently. She seemed to be there, hearing me and acknowledging my words. And then she was gone.

So, all of today, there has been this deep sorrow in my heart. Good enough. I am trying to learn how to "let myself feel" instead of "making myself feel better" as a dear long-lost high-school friend and a current much-beloved counselor have encouraged me to do. I've felt compelled to bring my hand to my heart all day to support the sorrow I feel. This is all good, all clean and real.

But I also notice a creeping tension - as my mind tries to fill in all kinds of reasons and justifications for the sorrow I feel. For example, I notice nonverbal thoughts that carry the meaning of: "I'm feeling this pain because I haven't accomplished what I needed to today" and "I'm feeling this pain because I forgot I was doing laundry and the wet clothes just sat there for hours while I fussed with files" and "I'm feeling this pain because I didn't fuss with the files long enough and there's still an entire box left to sort through and the house is filled with dust and dog fur and even though my dear friends said they loved being in my house and experienced it as a joyful home they were lying to protect me because they were really disgusted by the clutter and the dirt and the yuckiness of it all." Etc., etc., etc.

My dearest readers, these are the thoughts I am working so hard to unpack, to tidy up, to dust off, to clean up, to challenge and to discard/compost/let go of. It is not my home that needs clearing, it is my mind. And so I write this post, I write down these stupid, awful, painful thoughts. I don't want to be void of thought, I want to challenge these false ideas that give me dirty pain. These false ideas that my brain so helpfully supplies me to explain why I am feeling pain or sorrow at any given moment. When, in truth, when I examine reality and inquire as to what is, I'm really feeling pain because I am feeling pain. There doesn't have to be a cause for how I feel (though I have a sense that the sorry I've felt today is part of my grief breaking loose and working itself out). There doesn't have to be a reason or a rhyme for of the "this" that I experience moment to moment. There is just me, in this moment, feeling some pain. And also some hope. And love. And contentment. And discomfort. And even joy. There is just me in this moment, be-ing. The more I question my thoughts and my mind, the better able I am to be here now, alive, whole, holy. What else is there, really, to do with this one precious life?

Not sure what to call it post

2010-01-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

So, this whole losing attachments and not stressing about those darn "shoulds" is awesome. As I mentioned last week, our holiday celebrations were much less stressful this year because something in me let go of how the holidays "should be" and enjoyed how they actually were in the moment. And now we have had a massive b-day party for both boys and that was also more awesome without expectations. Brief explanation - E's b-day in 1/3 and M's b-day is 1/9, and we often give them a shared party. Yesterday we had almost 30 kids between the ages of 5 and 9 in our house. There was a magician, there was cake and balloons, there were treat bags. There was just a bit of chaos. I don't do well with chaos and yet it was okay.

I had dreams of setting up a table so the children could make crafts (wizard hats and magic wands) but never got organized enough for it. I was so lucky that my friend Alyshia decided to come to the party with her daughter and then helped with corralling kids. The party was so much easier because of her. The children really enjoyed the magician, Christopher - much laughing aloud.

Normally, the fact that things did not quite happen as I imaged they would leaves me in a ornery lump. This time when I had little swells of guilty "I didn't plan things well enough" and "it was too loud" feelings they disolved almost before I could attach thoughts to them. And when thoughts did attach, I was able to understand that they wer just thoughts, not reality.

A big part of this release is due to thinking about Byron Katie's inquiry process. I love the way she approaches the "shoulds." You know, like, "It should have gone this way," "I should have done/said/thought/been xyz," "S/he should have blah, blah, blah." Katie often responds (as part of the "is it true" part of the 4 questions), "Oh really? What's the truth of it? What happened?" So, for example, "I should be patient" is not true because I am not patient. If it were true that I should be patient then I would be patient. And I'm not. So there. ;)

Another thing I noticed at the party was how certain kids were very honest about it being too loud for their comfort and asking very directly to go to a quieter place in the house. I love that! Part of my recent self-realization is that I don't deal well with loudness or multiple streams of information. If more than one person talks to me at once I can't hear them and usually I get nervous because I don't understand what is being said. But when I really acknowledge that I cannot comprehend multiple streams of info, then I let go of the expectation that I should be able to do so, and the stressy-ness of the situation decreases. I can then simply say, "I can't hear you when you talk at the same time. If you want me to hear you, please figure out a way not to talk simultaneously." Ta-da! Magic.

Random Thoughts for a New Year -

2010-01-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

These are thoughts I texted to myself on New Year's Eve while the kids were playing at dinoland at South Towne Mall.

(1) Inner lizards vs wise turtles. Managing energy. Confusing inner conversations for actual convs. Is it pos to c things as they really are?

So I got the inner lizard idea from Martha Beck but she is not the only one who uses the analogy. In a very brief nutshell she talks about the reptilian brain and the ways you can get hijacked by your amygdala and suggests creating a persona for that inner danger-search-and-avoider. Lately I've become more and more cognizant that when my inner lizard starts freaking out it takes on the persona of actual people, like say, my boss. And my inner self with argue with that boss-impersonating lizard. And then I unconsciously act towards my boss as if that conversation actually took place. Ridiculous! My boss is nothing like my inner lizard. I do this to Dr C too and he is so unlike my inner lizard. So I'm thinking of creating an inner-lizard persona, if only to keep my silly memory from thinking that inner conversations are really outer conversations.

Wise turtles is from Kung Fu Panda. The thought that keeps coming back to me is giving up the illusion of control. I have placed several turtles on my computer at work to remind myself that, although I'm supposed to "keep control" of my hearings and witnesses, I don't have actually have any real control over other people or the cussing computer programs I work with. Does it say something about me that my persona for my wiser self is reptilian?

Managing energy is an idea from the January issue of Body & Soul. I don't recall the article name right now (maybe I'll add it later) but the idea was that while in the past we may have needed to manage time, at this point with the proliferation of e-connectedness, what we need to manage is our energy. I focused this past week at work on taking time when my mind and spirit were lagging to take a break - a physical and mental removal of myself from what I was tired of. I am usually the type to push through a tired spot - "keep working!" - but this plan seemed to work better. My energy was better sustained throughout the day and I actually had some energy left over when I came home, which was awesome because I'm really tired of giving my best energy to work with little left over for my family.

Is it possible to see things as they really are? Probably not, but I just keep trying to pull away illusions and self deceptions anyway. :)

(2) Peaceful holiday-new years-tarot-heiro & m-2 wand sucess? Do I want more? Sense of sucess yet not as much as thought would have.

This year's holidays were way more peaceful for me than in years past. Nothing has changed but me. I'm actually tuning into my calm self, activating my relaxation response and engaging the parasympathetic system. There have been days that I have literally not wanted to get out of bed because I have been feeling so peaceful, calm and good and I really want to stay in that place. It's similar to "the temple feeling." (You Mos know what I mean) The wonderful thing is that when this response is engaged for me, expectations and feelings of not meeting those expectations slide away into virtual nonexistence.

So, I did a tiny little spread for myself (in the bathtub!) close to New Years. I pulled the hierophant, the 2 of wands, and death. This is the deck I used. The hierophant stands for me I assume, since I am both a teacher and a judge. In fact, just before I became a teacher and a judge again, I took a class from Margaret Ruth and every single spread for me had a hierophant. Every single one. So, anyway, the 2 of wands in the deck I was using features a successful man dreaming of more ventures/adventures. And I ask myself if there is something more that I am looking for in my professional life? I really like what I do - I enjoy being a judge and feel I am reasonably accomplished at it, plus, I'm beginning to feel competent as an instructor. On the other hand, I've had tiny little yearnings to do a small something on the side - like reading cards for people. And the death card was really lovely - I've been feeling my anxious, tired, ornery self slipping away for months and, though I love her, it is time for her to go back into the cauldron and be reborn into a hopefully healthier self.

As for not having as much success as I thought would - I am not the lawyer I dreamed of being when I went to law school. I have not accomplished as much as my dear colleagues. My mind is somewhat distressed by that but my soul is content. Yay!

(3) Do really need to be Bigified? Or happy where I am? How nice to be ocassionally calm & not fret over unmet expectations & unwise hopes for per

Biggification is a Havi thing. I've been attracted to sites like hers for awhile so it leads me to wonder if there is something in my professional life that wants to grow. Or maybe its reflective of my desire to grow spiritually. I am very happy where I am right now - I am emotionally and energetically healthier than I have been in over a decade. Which is awesome.

Per = perfection. I kindly and graciously wish that death comes for my dreams of perfection.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm recuperating from a cold and don't want to push myself too hard. I hope 2010 is a wonderful year for all. My our dreams of peace bloom and grow. Or grow and bloom. Wev.

Danish Kleiner (Klejner)

2009-12-24T09:20:00.004-07:00

It’s not Christmas without Kleiner in my family. My Mom learned how to make Kleiner from watching her mother, who learned it from watching her mother-in-law, known to Mom as Bestemar. Bestemar came to the US from Denmark in 1905 (in part to escape religious persecution, if you can believe it). Anyway, at least one weekend in December was always devoted to Kleiner making. Mom would sometimes stay up into the wee hours of the morning frying cookies. I’ve found that you can break up the process into three nights – dough one night, shaping the next, frying the last day. Mom was a bit of a perfectionist (!) when it came to Kleiner – she usually made cookies so uniform and regular they seemed factory made. She was not adverse to throw our “poor” attempts to shape the cookies back into the dough bowl. I don’t think she even considered letting me help her until I was at least 10, maybe 12.

The recipe we inherited from Bestemar left much to the imagination - including referring to ingredients in the instructions that are not listed in the ingredient list! Apparently everyone knew how to cook then and such attention to detail was unnecessary. This is my much-fleshed-out recipe. Perhaps with this my cousins can make a tin or two for next Lille-Yule! Just kidding, I know Kleiner is a Degn-McPeck responsibility.

Bestemar’s Danish Kleiner

Takes 3 to 4 hours – or three nights
Makes about 4 dozen “Susan-sized” cookies, 3 dozen “Alma-sized)
Susan = My Mother
Alma = My Grandmother (mother’s mother)
Bestemar = My Great-grandmother (mother’s father’s mother)

Tools

2 mixing bowls
Measuring cups and spoons
Hand mixer
Sifter
Stout wooden spoon
Flat work surface
Rolling pin
Butter knife
Wax paper or parchment paper
Trays
Dinner fork or frying scoop
Pan deep enough for frying (at least 2 inches deep)
Brown wrapping paper or brown paper bags cut to lie flat
Small paper bag
Aluminum foil
Cookie tins

Ingredients

Dough
3 eggs
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla or cardamom
½ cup butter, melted
4 tablespoon cream
1 teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
4-5 cups flour (depends on how finer the flour is – the finer the flour, the more you need)

Frying

1½ pounds shortening or oil (I like to use grapeseed oil because it has a buttery flavor. Sue and Alma always used Crisco vegetable, i.e. soy, oil)

Finishing

2 cups sugar for decorating
1 tsp vanilla or other flavoring, like cardamom (optional)

Instructions:

Making the dough

(1) Beat eggs, sugar and vanilla together until smooth with hand blender.

(2) Mix in cream and melted butter.

(3) In a separate bowl, sift together baking powder, salt and 3 cups of the flour.

(4) Slowly incorporate the flour mixture into the dough, adding about ¼ to ½ a cup of flour at a time. You will only be able to use a hand mixer for first cup or so of flour, then move to a sturdy spoon. (I have broken wooden spoons mixing the dough before – beware!)

The last cup of flour usually needs to be worked in by hand a tiny bit at a time. You want the dough to be pulling off the sides of the bowl, but not as firm as pie dough. (I’ve never tried a free standing mixer for this, let me know if you try it and it works).

Too sticky:

Just right:

(5) Let dough chill in refrigerator or cool room before shaping. It should be firm and easy to roll out (this takes about half an hour). Susan generally made it a little softer - about like bread dough, then kneaded in more dough when she rolled out the cookies.

Shaping the cookies

(1) Roll out a softball-sized hunk of dough to about ¼ inch thick. You can try a bigger hunk as you get used to the process. Thinner dough is harder to work with and can fall apart when frying. Thicker dough takes longer to cook and can be a bit cakey. Sue tended to roll the cookies thicker than Alma.

(2) Using an upside down butter knife, draw parallel lines through the dough, about 1 inch (Susan size) to 1½ (Alma size) inches apart. You can make them even bigger if you like. According to Susan, Bestemar made them the size of donuts.

(2) Draw crossing, almost-perpendicular lines, across the first lines, in order to create diamond shapes. Cut a 1/2 to 1 inch slit in the center of each diamond shape (depending on how big you make the cookies). Remove edge pieces.

(3) Peel off one diamond shape from the edge by sliding butter knife under the dough. Use thumbs to widen the slit, then fold top corner into slit.

(4) Roll edges toward center, and pull the top corner up at the same time.

(5) Pinch corner, if desired. Susan always pinched the corner and rolled the sides in tightly. , Alma usually didn’t pinch the corner and left a hole in the middle. Susan’s are easier to fry, Alma’s are crispier.

(6) Place cookie on a tray lined with wax or parchment paper. Repeat for all diamonds. Continue rolling out, cutting and shaping until you run out of dough. We always eat the leftovers raw (it’s not Christmas without Kleiner dough). But you don’t have to be gross like us.

Cooking and finishing

(1) Pour about a cup of granulated sugar in a small paper bag. I like to add a few drops of vanilla or a few pinches of cardamom, then roll up top of bag tightly and turn over several times to mix, or mix into the sugar by hand. Susan and Alma usually used plain sugar. You want the sugar to be ready to go before you start frying cookies.

(2) Line some trays or your flat work surface with at least two layers of brown paper. The brown paper needs to be reasonably close to the fryer.

It’s best to have a fryer and a sugar-er. It takes a lot longer to fry and sugar by yourself, and you risk burning cookies. It’s always a good idea to have a least one person keep an eye on the hot oil.

(3) Fry cookies in at least an inch and a half of hot oil (about 350 degrees) until golden brown. If you don’t use enough oil you risk “sunburning” them on the bottoms.

You need to flip them at least once (with a dinner fork or frying scoop), about a minute or so after they float up to the top. It doesn’t hurt to check every minute or so until you get the hang of it.

I usually put about six in the oil at a time, then add six more when I flip the first six, or do 12 at once. The oil will get bubbly – sometimes so much so that it’s hard to see the cookies. Just skim the bubbles off and put them on the brown paper.

(4) Once cookies reach the desired color, place on brown paper to cool. Susan usually made them lighter, Alma darker.

(5) Sugar cookies by placing slightly warm cookies in sack of sugar. Gently toss to evenly coat. You can do this by folding up the top tightly and turning the bag over a few times, or just put your hands in and pour sugar over the cookies.

(6) Place sugared cookies in aluminum-foil-lined tins. Let cool before you put the lid on if you like them crispy. You could also cool them on a cooling rack before putting them in tins. Sue often sealed them up slightly warm, that’s why her Kleiner was usually so soft.

I keep finding little grammatical errors and fixing them. I'm fairly certain the instructions are correct though!

Foodie Day!

2009-11-26T22:10:00.021-07:00

In which Amanda get a little link happy . . .

As all truly good days do, mine started by sleeping in later than usual. The boys and the dog crowded into the bed for a good cuddle then Shane (aka Dr. C) graciously consented to make us monster pancakes (aka German or puffy pancakes) for breakfast. They are so yummy when made with quality butter that they need no syrup. I also had fresh coffee flavored with cinnamon chocolate. So good. The boys watched several episodes of Redwall while I surfed the web and Shane read the newspaper.

Around 11-ish we went to Liberty Heights Fresh. As we were deciding between capon, duck and rabbit, the dear proprietor approached with a bottle of Brut and champagne glasses. Salud! Shane chose the capon. I chose duck bacon. Together we chose Rossini (wine soaked blue cheese, Valtaleggio, Italy), Stichelton (raw organic cow's milk Stilton, Nottinghamshire, England), Twig Farm soft wheel (Vermont), Tarentaise (alpine style raw cow's milk, Spring Brook Farm, Reading, Vermont), and Tooele Gold (brine aged goat milk, Shepard's Dairy, Erda, Utah). I also selected a wild boar Creminelli and pork Casalingo (Italian salami). E chose baby pears & multi-colored carrots and M chose broccoli & red grapes. We also grabbed real wild rice (from Minnesotta!), deep-dark chocolate bars, anchovies, Christmas beans, cremini mushrooms, cippolini onions, 3-seed crackers, torta de aceite and roman bread. Plus, a lovely bouquet.

We came home and while I cleaned up, Shane prepared a luscious cheese, salami, cracker and fruit plate from our Fresh jaunt, adding Smoked Promontory Beehive Cheese (Uintah, Utah - just below where I grew up) and honey-crisp apples. Shane and I finished our Castle Creek Merlot (Moab, Utah).

I then perused several cookbooks and magazines for ideas for the wild rice pilaf I was dreaming up. After that Eli and I finally finished our fall wreath (pictures to follow once the batteries for the digital camera are charged). While I was putting the finishing touches on the wreath, Shane realized it was time for Fantastic Mr. Fox. We hurried to the Century 16. Fox was absolutely quirky and delightful. It's the kind of weird movie Dr. C and I adore. The kids also seemed to like most of it. We very much intend to buy the soundtrack.

When we arrived home, Shane & I tackled the dishes while listening to a CD of songs from Studio Ghibli films. When it was time to cook we listened to Peter Gabriel, Secret World Live. Dr. C spread lots and lots of butter on the capon and roasted it on a bed of carrots and green onions, and stuffed it with fresh herbs. I sauteed the multi-colored carrots with the cippolini onions and celery in bacon fat. I then added the crimini mushrooms and fresh herbs. I stirred cooked wild rice into the veggie mixture, then finished the pan with champagne vinegar. Once the bird was done, Dr. C reheated the carmelized chestnuts & brussels sprouts and carmelized turnips, rutabegas & shallots we had leftover from the McPeck family dinner at our house last weekend. Dr. C whipped up some mashed potatoes and buttered brocolli at the boy's request. The feast was quite magnifique. Dr. C and I enjoyed our meal with Castle Creek Lily Rose White (Moab). After the meal we sipped regular brandy, pear brandy, raspberry liquor, Kijafa, & Gran Marnier (okay, I only chose two of the five). Dr. C also enjoyed an anchovy gin martini.

We intend to eat the duck bacon and potato & onion cakes in the morning. Then it is back to reality for me whilst I grade innumerable papers and wash equally innumerable articles of clothing. I intend to reward myself once I have graded & washed everything with a bit of "buy local day" shopping.

I feel blessed beyond measure today. I am so grateful for all the people who worked hard to bring the incredible food we ate to our table - farmers, ranchers, vintners, harvesters, truck-drivers, grocers, inventors of refrigeration and internal-combustion engines, etc). I am eternally indebted to the agronomists and agriculturalists who came before us, those clever souls who figured out that all these strange things were wonderful food if combined with fire, water, and salt. And of course, I realize that I truly lucked out in the "birth lottery." I cannot say that I "deserve" any of this bounty. My dear M drew a picture of turkey and wrote "feed the hungry" beside it. He showed it to everyone at Fresh. We give to the food bank every week/month (through Winder Farms and my employer's giving program), yet I wonder if we do enough. And then I remember that there is both "never enough" and "enough and to spare" for all of us, every day, not just on this day of thanks.

A Lovelier Week

2009-11-22T22:15:00.000-07:00

So, the work stress has been high lately. It took me awhile to realize that 85% of the stress was created in my own head. I attacked that source o' stress with a vengeance this week by bringing my journal to work and writing down all my stressful thoughts, then challenging them, a la Bryon Katie. It truly helped. I had so much more energy at the end of the week and was able to be much more present in my hearings. I've also noticed that the relaxation response has kicked in more frequently this week. Several mornings I've woken up in a completely relaxed state - this is truly rare for me.

I had another Byron Katie moment this morning. We desperately needed a new dining area rug and the perfect rug just happened to be on sale (50% OFF) at Kohl's, plus, I needed to pick up just a few more items for our pre-thanksgiving feast with the McPeck clan. I left for the store much later than I thought and I noticed I was stuck in the thought "I have to get everything done before everyone gets there," which was truly stressful. But what got my tearing up was the thought behind the thought - a pre-verbalish thought actually - that my family would not approve of nor love me unless I got everything (i.e. cleaning and cooking) done and that my family would not enjoy themselves at my home unless I got everything done. Questioning that thought was harder but so good to do. I realized that whether or not anyone enjoyed themselves at my home was utterly outside my control - they would enjoy it or not, approve of me or not. I remembered that how people perceive me or feel about me (or my home) is up to them, not me. No amount of cleaning or inspired cooking can make anyone like me, love me, or approve of me, not ever. It's a lovely realization.

I have also decided that the next time I have people over, I shall do the major cleaning the day before, so I won't be tired when my guests arrive. Sleepiness is very rarely conducive to hostessliness.

Time to End the Experiment, Obvs., And Other Stuff

2009-11-07T19:21:00.006-07:00

So, one month of barely having weekly posts (Tuesday Ten and Thursday Thank You) was more than enough for me. Turns out I hate having a schedule/deadline for something I intended to do for funsies (who knew?!?!). Amazingly enough I have more than enough deadline pressure in my worklife to impose one on my online life. No more habitual posting for me. This blog will now return to absolute randomness.

In other news, I want to thank my sister for posting about the second anniversary of Mom's passing. I find that I don't want to write about it but I'm glad that Riss did. In some ways I have a better relationship with Mom now. Her spirit visits me fairly regularly and she is so very happy where she is now, I think happier than she was in her body, perhaps because in her last years she was in so much physical pain. As I am dealing with my own persistent pain and lack of energy, I find myself having far more sympathy for Mom than I did when she was here. And perhaps in her present state she is better able to know how I really feel. I deeply regret the fact that Mom was mostly unaware of how much I cared for her during her earthly life. I feel that she is aware now of how much she was loved, not just by me, but by others as well. And is so wonderful to know that Mom is happy. My joy in her healing outshines my grief in her passing.

More newsiness: I'm still working on the habitual anxiety thing. More noticing tension and breathing into it, because talking to my anxiety does not help. At all. My tension seems to be very body-based and I'm finding that only body-based responses have any lessening effect on it. So more breathing, stretching, being still.

I'm also testing out Martha Beck's idea (well, it might not be her idea originally but she's the person I learned it from) that if you will do one small thing for the most neglected area of your physical space/home, you will find unexpected improvements in your mental/emotional life. I've made small efforts at addressing the mess we call "the library" hoping that in so doing I can work on the anxiety thing from another angle. Beck argues that your home is a reflection of your interior mind. I would agree if I was the only person living here. On the other hand, perhaps the messiness of my home reflects this cluttered mind of mine. Or perhaps its not so much cluttered as full of many ideas and interests. And given that my husband and children are as un-single-minded as I, it's no wonder we have a home full of stuff. Also, I've learned from Martha that I am polochronic, which is my excuse for why it's rarely time to clean up. Tee hee.

I've been re-reading books lately. I find it interesting that I don't react as strongly to the stories/characters as I did the first time I read these stories. Perhaps this change in reactions is due to changes in myself. I'm still parsing this out in my head - perhaps I will write more about this later.

Also, I find myself saying What Tami Said a lot. Her post Fat and happy: Why "The Biggest Loser" loses, which I somehow missed earlier this month, says exactly why I won't watch "weight loss TV" or participate in any kinds of weight loss talk. I know that weight loss is something very, very important to people that I deeply love, but it is not important anymore to me. Which is such a wonderful, wonderful thing, can I tell you? I can get on the scale now and truly not care what it says. No more anxiety, no more pain in my heart that I am unworthy of love because of what my body looks like. I can actually look in the mirror without shame, without feeling deep hatred for my belly, without thinking every part of me should be smaller, firmer, cuter. And I want to stay in this place. So please understand that this is why I will never talk diets or good vs. bad food or fitting into skinny clothes ever again. Because smaller is not better for me and I no longer believe that taking up less space makes me more worthy of living. And thank you, Tami, for this post and for your blog in general.

I think this is enough other stuff for now. In the meantime, thank you to all of my dear friends who read this blog, infrequent though it is.

Tuesday Ten (belated) - Recurring Ideas

2009-10-28T20:18:00.002-06:00

10 ideas that keep popping up for me . . .

(1) Respecting my capacity: This one comes from Havi Brooks. I'm feeling a need to acknowledge that there are limits to my energy, my ability to absorb information, my ability to focus. And when I reach those limits: Stop. Rest. Breathe. At least in theory. :)

(2) Noticing how tension saps my energy: Holding my muscles tightly or squinting my eyes in concentration in time makes me more tired. When I notice myself doing this, I remind myself to release. I am hoping this will give me more energy.

(3) Noticing how making housecleaning a "reward" for doing something I don't want to do even more, makes it fun and look forward-able. This is true for many tasks. This is a basic mind-training sort of technique. I'm just amazed that making something a reward that I don't intrinsically think is a "reward" makes it fun (this is not a novel concept, of course). I want to call it "treatifying."

(4) Noticing how much time I spend imagining how other people might attack my work or critique how I spend my time (particularly true at work). More wasted energy. Imagine what I could do if I could consistently approach these time-suckers with loving attention and redirection!

(5) Somehow, I always have "enough" time to get everything done at work, even when I am sure I will not have enough time to complete everything I've decided to do. So why worry about it, I ask myself? More energy-suckage.

(6) Reading as a meditation exercise: I find that reading is so easy for me now that I can read without thinking. My inner-voice is quieted as it listens to another voice. I don't have to "think" about what I read - I can just experience it. This is particularly true with fiction. It's kind of how you can lost in a movie. I'm not sure how such a verbal, cerebral activity can calm my monkey mind, but it does.

(7) I don't really believe in "non-self": I read a fair amount of Buddhist writing and I find myself fighting with this idea of "non-self." If there is no self, why worry about suffering? Why try to end it?

(8) When anxiety hits, talking to it doesn't work: I noticed this one morning as I was lying in bed, breathing, waiting for the alarm to go off. I thought for half a second "did I leave my keys attached to the cart at Harmon's?" and felt an instant tightness in my chest. And I walked through my memories and distinctly recalled opening the car for the children, then driving the car home, with my keys. My mind was calm, but my heart was still racing, my chest was still tight. All I could do to ease the anxiety/pain was to keep breathing. Equilibrium eventually returned. Then it happened again. I had some anxious thought, instant tightening and pain above my heart. Resolved the matter in my head but my body wasn't done yet. I'm trying to think of ways I can notice my body's reactions to anxiety/stress when I'm in the midst of daily life, instead of just when lying in bed, relatively still.

(9) How is that I can let my body rest while my mind flies? I have had this "problem" since childhood-my body is exhausted and needs to sleep, but my brain is wide awake. I learned as a child to let my body go dormant, essentially asleep, while my mind flew about where it would. Eventually my brain would drift off, but I got the benefit of more sleep than I "actually" got. My brain has slowed down as an adult but I still have those nights occasionally. I'm grateful that the "totally body rest while mind flies" technique still works for me.

(10) How stressful it is for me when things don't happen the way I think they will. When I'm expecting something to happen a particular way and it doesn't I get this pang of anxiety (as described in 8). I don't think I can stop the anxiety, it just hits. And I don't think I can stop expecting things. I am slowly releasing my attachment to my ideas of how "things" are "supposed" to be, but what to do with the anxiety in the meantime? Just keep breathing, I suppose.

What thoughts have you, my beloved readers, been tossing about in your heads?

Thursday Thank You - Sugarhouse Instacare Edition - OS warning

2009-10-22T07:54:00.000-06:00

OS=Over-share. Wev=Whatever.

So, I visited the Sugarhouse Instacare Monday evening, due to a week-long gastro-intestinal complaint. I also have some congestion due to a sinus infection and the irritation in my throat related to that makes me cough. Which means I have to wear a mask. Wev. Anyway, my thank you goes out to the Instacare doctors. Even though they can't seem to figure out that having a hysterectomy means your last period was long ago, they are kind and efficient. And they look at me, with my over 30 BMI body, and say, "So, you're generally pretty healthy, right?" YAY!! Yes, as a matter of fact, I am generally healthy, thank you. Thank you for not assuming that fat=unhealthy. Thank you for listening to what I say about my own symptoms and believing me. Thank you for ordering a stool sample when I tell you I've had diarrhea for a week (I know, OS). Thank you for taking care of my beloved body.

Tuesday Ten: Some Favorite Spiritual Books

2009-10-20T21:28:00.001-06:00

This is a beginning list, selected from my personal library in the past few weeks. Please understand that this is just the barest beginning of a list of favorite spiritual books. I am sure to add to the list in later posts.

(1) The Celtic Spirit: Daily Meditations for the Turning Year
Caitlin Matthews, Harper San Francisco 1998
These daily meditations sustained me through some dark times - they were different enough from the spirituality of my childhood, yet resonant enough with my cultural heritage, to assist me in finding new connections with the divine.

(2) Truth or Dare: Encounters with Power, Authority, and Mystery
Starhawk, Harper San Francisco 1987
Starhawk is by far my favorite feminist pagan author. This book assisted me in seeing how our relationships with one another in community impacts our spirituality. It further clarified the meaning of unrighteous dominion and gave me powerful ideas of how to resist such uncalled for authority.

(3) Cries of the Spirit: A Celebration of Women’s Spirituality
ed. by Marilyn Sewell,Beacon Press 1991
This is a lovely book that can be dipped into over and over again at your leisure. Haunting wonderful poems, stirring quotations. Another book that sustained my heart during times of crisis.

(4) The Book of Blessings: New Jewish Prayers for Daily Life, the Sabbath, and the New Moon Festivals
Marcia Falk, Beacon Press 1996
I never understood the power of multiple daily ritual prayers until I read this. The book is also beautifully designed.

(5) Buffalo Woman Comes Singing
The Last Ghost Dance: A Guide for Earth Mages
Brooke Medicine Eagle, Wellspring/Ballantine 1991 & 2000
A powerful, personal account and an amazing journey into semi-new-age Native American spirituality. The two books should be read together, in my never-to-be-confused-for-humble opinion.

(6) Why the Church is as True as the Gospel
Eugene England, Bookcraft 1986
This is the first book by Brother England that I read. The titular essay kept me from leaving the Church in high school and calls me to repentance still.

(7) Dialogues with Myself: Personal Essays on Mormon Experience
Eugene England, Orion Books 1984
This is the 2nd book by Brother England that I read. Brother England is the reason I went to BYU (seriously, THE reason). I miss his voice, his compassion, his wisdom. I have truly never met anyone else like him.

(8) To Heal a Fractured World: The Ethics of Responsibility
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, Shocken Books 2005
This book was my introduction to Rabbi Sacks. This is an eloquent and impassioned call to service. Rabbi Sacks is gifted at bringing ancient texts to bear upon modern dilemmas and reminds me of the deepest meaning of personal accountability and integrity.

(9) Bonds that Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves
C Terry Warner, Shadow Mountain 2001
This book challenges me every time I return to it. I first read the book online, then purchased the hardcover. Dr Warner challenges everyone to see beyond the box of self-delusions and self-justification, and see with eyes unclouded (to quote Princess Mononoke). The most Buddhist Mormon text I know.

(10) Earthborn, volume 5 of the science fiction series Homecoming
Orson Scott Card, Tor, 1995
Technically not a "spiritual" book, but tackles spiritual issues nevertheless. The series is a retelling of the core ideas and stories in the first few books of the Book of Mormon. Card describes the influence of the Spirit like no other author I know of. Perhaps the sense of "realness" I get from reading the book is the deep "Mormoness" of the book and I don't know how accessible it is to people who are unfamiliar with LDS culture. But I find myself returning to key passages every year or so, just to revisit the feeling that someone I've only met at book-signings somehow understands my deepest spiritual moments.

Thursday Thank You, belated once again

2009-10-16T19:03:00.001-06:00

My thank you is going out to Facebook, for helping me reconnect with dear friends and letting me grow to know and love my family more. My sister wrote about something similar in January on her blog. I am glad that Facebook lets me stay in touch easily with the people that I love.

I'm trying to do these thank yous on Thursdays because Thursdays are sort of a "wrap up" day for me. It's the last day of my four ten work schedule and I tend to write many decisions from the week prior, then prepare for my class the next day. I'm usually tired and ornery, so thinking about what I am thankful for is a good exercise on such days. However, I don't always have enough energy when I get home to actually post my thank you. So, these will likely always be belated.

My tiny review of the new Fables novel is online

2009-10-09T14:45:00.003-06:00

Check it out!

Thursday Thank You

2009-10-09T07:09:00.000-06:00

This Thursday thank you goes out to the inventors of the heating pad and all the people who worked to bring me this lovely source of comfort and care.

Tuesday Ten: Things that made me smile recently

2009-10-06T21:58:00.000-06:00

1) Watching Eli's feet wriggle as he sounds out words in his head. Both Eli and Michael read with their whole bodies and Eli clearly thinks with his feet.

2) Shane telling Michael he was going to open a restaurant and call his enchiladas "better than a barrette enchiladas" because Michael was chewing on a barrette rather than eating his dinner. You might have had to have been there.

3) Nellie McKay singing Mother of Pearl with the best hook ever: Feminists Don't Have a Sense of Humor, also here

4) Sayonara, Zetsubou-Sensei (Goodbye, Mr Despair!): The Power of Negative Thinking, English manga version

5) Our new electric sweeper that actually cleans our rugs better than the vacuum.

6) Jennika and Vic's bridal/groomal pictures. Cuuuute!

7) Pink clouds in the morning, glowing autumn sunlight in the evening.

8) Eggnog coffee.

9) Baby elephant trays from Ikea.

10) Thick grey alpaca socks from the farmer's market - from local alpaca and local knitters! Local First!

Blending

2009-10-04T22:29:00.000-06:00

So, one of the coolest findings in my palm reading with MR was this star kinda halfway between the outside of my palm and my life line. MR pointed it out on my left hand but I can see one on my right hand, too. MR called it a "blending" star, because it was situated between spirit and body and she suggested it may be part of my life's work since stars symbolize a point of intense energy and light. I've been thinking about that idea quite a bit since the reading. Here are some of my thoughts:

Perhaps one manifestation of the blending star is my simultaneous fascination with the physical aspects of mind/body (like the actual physical workings of the brain and those pesky molecules of emotion) and with the transcendent/spiritual knowing that seems to come from both outside and within you at the same time. I love to learn how emotions have a physical root and also think emotions are clues to a wider reality (like intuition, precognition, etc). It's taken me a long time to realize that emotions are embodies - not just charged thoughts. Actually feeling emotion in my body has been a revelation to me.

Perhaps the star is an indication of how my intuitive knowing often manifests as a physical knowing. For example, I often feel pulled to a particular place, like there's a compass in my body pointing in a particular direction. If I am giving someone a massage, my hands feel pulled toward tender spots. I have often felt a pull to go down a particular aisle at the store, where I have found something I needed but had not put on the list (this happened just tonight actually). I have felt a pull to go down a particular road, then months later realized my familiarity with that particular road was crucial. My eyes are drawn to correct answers on tests and my hands feel a pull toward the right answer. My hands feel the tarot card I want to look at in readings. My innate sense of direction is very tied to this physical manifestation of intuition.

I'm not sure if anything is non-physical, that is, outside the realm of molecules and atoms. I believe that there is a knower, a choser, that is me, that is an actual thing and that thing has been me since there was anything. I am profoundly influenced by the LDS idea that each of us is, at base, an "intelligence," something that has always existed and will always exist. Orson Scott Card named the "intelligence" an "aiua" in the later Ender books. When I read this little bit from Xenocide, it connected to me in a deep way:

I think that we are free, and I don't think it's just an illusion that we believe in because it has survival value. And I think we're free because we aren't just this body, acting out a genetic script. And we aren't some soul that God created out of nothing. We're free because we always existed. Right back from the beginning of time, only there was no beginning of time so we existed all along. Nothing ever caused us. Nothing ever made us. We simply are, and we always were. p. 386, 1991 paperback.

Yet, even if we have always existed, our aiuas/intelligences/spirits are powerfully influenced by our bodily experience. How we know things fundamentally changes depending on the particular chemical/hormonal balance in our bodies in any given moment as well as how our childhood experiences shaped the unique neural nets of our brains. Our experiences and worlds shift in meaning and experience with each subtle body change - for example, my skin color, gender, and size have all profoundly shaped my understanding of the world around me. And at a simpler, most basic level, I know that, for myself, my choices are profoundly influenced by things as simple as hunger, thirst, tiredness. I think better, act better, make better/kinder/more loving choices when I am well fed, well rested. I'm a nicer person when my body feels good.

So, I believe on a deep level that "I" am something different than the body "I" live in. Yet my body is also me and I feel on the same deep level that this is the body "I" chose. Blended and blending.

Thursday Thank You (belated . . .)

2009-10-02T08:57:00.001-06:00

So, still running with this idea of habitual posting. Again, we'll see if I actually write something like this again next week.

What I am most thankful for this week (and pretty much every week) is my beloved Shane. I must share just one example of how much my dear one takes care of me. I came home from work an hour early yesterday because I was feeling sick. The off-and-on headache and coughing had been popping up all week, but all of a sudden yesterday afternoon I felt very shaky and cold - which for me means fever. When I get a fever my core and head get hot and the rest of my body (basically my extremities) get very cold. Add that to normal fever chills and you get a trembly Amanda.

ANYWAY . . . I noticed when I went to get cash to pay the wonderful woman who watched our boys yesterday that we had less in our checking account than I expected, so instead of jumping straight in the bath when I got home, as I wanted to do, I came up to the computer nook and took a look at our online banking (sorry about the rhyming thing - I get it from my older son). Shane came up and offered me several possibilities for dinner, I chose chicken soup. He brought it up with buttered toast without asking because he just knew that I would want buttered toast with my soup (he was right). Then he brought me more buttered toast. And also offered me the last of the orange juice.

After I was done with the banking stuff, I put myself in that bath. I was still shaking and trembling but baths are very good at normalizing my temperature and the water did its work. While I was in the bath, I heard the unmistakable sound of the heater turning on. Now, mind you, Shane is a frugal man. Last year our heating system did not turn on until late November and the thermostat rarely went above 67 degrees. But he was worried about me so he turned it on anyway without saying anything to me about it.

AND when I finally went to bed, I saw that he had also turned on my heating pad and tucked it under the covers, so the bed would not be cold when I got in. He had already fallen asleep, but he left the light on, in case I wanted to keep reading when I finally came to bed.

The thing that amazes me is that Shane thinks nothing of this kind of stuff. When we first started dating and he kept doing all these kinds of nice things for me, I asked him if he treated all his sweethearts this way. He said yes, but that I was the only one who always said thank you and never expected him to do anything for her or got angry when he did not have the energy to do the caretaker thing. I thought it was weird that his other loves had not thanked him. Actually, I still think it's weird, but after over 10 years of being taken care of like this, I admit to starting to get used to it.

I hope to never take The Amazing Shane for granted or stop appreciating all the ways that he makes my life better. And I also hope that he knows that it is not his caretaking of me that makes me love him so (though I obviously appreciate it). What I love about Shane is his bright & generous soul and his compassionate practicality. I have never met anyone who is more deep-down good, than my beloved. Here's to you, Dear!

Tuesday Top Ten

2009-09-29T21:00:00.002-06:00

Several bloggers I like have little ritual postings and I'd like to try it out. So here goes for this week (your guess is as good as mine if I will do this again next week):

Top Ten Reasons I Bike to Work

1) Biking focuses my energy going to work and clears the stress coming home.

2) In the fall and on into the spring, I get to say hello to the moon.

3) I notice changes in the neighborhood - like people putting in new gardens, remodeling their homes, etc.

4) My fellow bikers are often friendly and chat at stop lights.

5) Biking helps pull me out of my head and into my body.

6) I notice the seasons changing.

7) Despite number 5 I can "pre-draft" blog posts in my head - or slay invisible dragons.

8) I arrive to work smiling.

9) Biking feels more flexible than taking the bus and it's just silly to drive 10 blocks.

10) I can.

Margaret Ruth, The Side Door, Other Findings

2009-09-26T06:34:00.007-06:00

Runnin' Rhino by Allan Faustino

find it at threadless dot com - along with all kinds of great images and t-shirts!!

Margaret Ruth

As you may know, tomorrow is my birthday, and part of my birthday gift to myself was to get an extended palm reading with Margaret Ruth. She is currently working on a book about palmistry and she is offering free 15-minute palm readings. I strongly encourage everyone within driving distance to take her up on the offer!1 The reading was a lot of fun and Margaret Ruth was, as always, very insightful and enlightening.

She noticed right away that some kind of divine intervention changed my life line from chaotic to clear in my late twenties/early thirties. I could think of two examples - the birth of my boyos which fixes, somehow, my IBS & chronic constipation (please forgive the overshare) and of the premonitions/promptings that made me keep going back for more tests/injections/scans until the doctors finally found the cancer that claimed my uterus. I know that I was following the Spirit/Committee/Higher Self when I knew I had to get pregnant when I did and go to Margy2 for help when I thought I was miscarrying.

The reading gave me insight into my family and my ancestors that I was not expecting. I was overjoyed to feel that I was connected to my ancestors in my gifts of healing touch (like with my hands), artistic/academic expression, and intuitive/psychic insight. It was wonderful to learn that my efforts to heal some of what I was "handed" have been successful and have brought comfort to those on the other side of the veil as well as to myself. I think part of the major change referred to above was also when I stopped trying to "lifestyle change" (never say diet, wink, wink) myself into another body, one that would be more loveable and acceptable and learned that my body is powerful and good, just as it is. I certainly hope that cleared some psychic pain for the large-bodied souls that came before me.

I was a bit surprised to learn that my hands show both a strong leadership/will and a tendency to "bend over backwards" for others. Perhaps it reflects my (non-original) ideas about servant leadership. I am still learning how to lose my false self in service/leadership/love so that my true self can emerge as a source of power & healing. I spend too much time doing what I think others want me to do for them instead of doing what I know I need to do for them. This makes sense in my head, really.

We spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I could clean up my head and heart lines, since they are far more chaotic than my life line.3 And I thought - why can't I use some of that same guardian angel energy on clearing up my (please forgive me for saying this) stinkin' thinkin' and the ever present sense of not being quite what other people want? So, I have been calling out to the ancestors/committee/city of G-d for assistance in this next journey. Anyway, I find that I esteem myself all well and good, but I presume that most other people in the world do not. In other words, I presume that I am not loveable. I have plenty of evidence to convince my head that this belief is not true - but telling my gut? That's a whole other business. I find that just contemplating ways of cleaning out the "gunk" in my heart and head helps. So does reading Byron Katie's, "I Need Your Love, Is That True?" She has great method for ungunking. Keeping up with Havi at fluent self dot com has been tremendously useful as well.

The Side Door

I would love to get some reactions to an interesting dream I had the other night. I was at some kind of old-English style castle/boarding school. All of the "kids" were dressed the same and everything was stonework and ivy. We went outside for a period of time and I wanted back into the castle. I went through a door I thought of as a "secret back way." Unfortunately, though dressed in boarding-school-girl clothing I was actual size (!) and as I walked up the stone stairway the ceiling and the stair got closer and closer together, until the only way through was a small, narrow opening. The opening was such that a non-claustrophobic young child could squeeze through, but tiny enough that, even were I skin and bones, I could not crawl through. I mind-flew back down to the entry to the passageway but of course it was locked. Plus, it was a thick, wooden door that I would not be able to break down. Somehow I knew that there was a side entrance somewhere along the stairway, I just had to find it. I knew it was hidden and that I would have to grope around quite a bit before finding it. I awoke before I found the side door, but with a conviction that it would be found. I think the dream is a wonderful metaphor for where I am right now.

Other Findings

I had a great "oracle" reading at gaian tarot dot com this morning. I asked about the current work upheaval I find myself facing. My opportunity was Lightning (the Tower), which reminds me that major change is an an opportunity for new growth and rebirth, and a chance to reconfigure the deadwood/stuckness/unworking-ness. My challenge was the High Priestess, which represents to me my efforts to access the deep intuitive knowing and wisdom that leads me to what I really need. My resolution was the World - best card ever! I know that whatever happens, if I listen to my deepest knowing I will be where I am needed and all will be well. I recall when we first moved to Utah and I despaired of finding work that meaningful. I was told quite strongly that what job I found did not matter - what mattered was that I bring my true self to whatever job I found.

Suggestions and comments dear friends? I would particularly love to hear your thoughts on telling the difference between listening to the Spirit/your Higher Self/the Guides/Committee and talking to yourself.

1 mr at margaretruth dot com
2 Margaret Batson, Certified Nurse Midwife, the best in town in my opinion.
3 I think you will be happy to know, MR, that my son and I went bowling last night and just had fun. Lots of emotional release. And today I've been cleaning my physical environment (1) to get ready for a birthday open house and (2) to get some mental focus and clarity. I'm organizing my house in hopes that will bring some clarity to my brain. I admit to going back to a book though - but I don't think Byron Katie counts! :)

In Which I Reveal Two Major Things About Me

2009-08-30T21:36:00.007-06:00

I do not make many decisions from a rational place. Which I realize is a strange thing for a judge to say. I do make my legal decisions from a basically reasoned place. But most of my decisions - like what am I going to do in this little moment - are made from a more intuitive impulse. Mostly I "just know" stuff. Even when I take multiple choice tests - it's like the right answer stands out in a mentally bolder type than others. Sometimes I literally cannot see the other answers. Things I really want and need tend to stand out or look more vivid to me. Take books, for instance.

So, today I went to the library to do something I really needed high-speed Internet to do and I thought, "I should go get that book Havi1 raves about, that one about nonviolent communication" (intuitive impulse one) and of course it's checked out but then I decide to go browse over in that area anyway, even though the library closes in literally five minutes (intuitive impulse two), and I find two books to put by my bed that I've already started to read (intuitive impulse three). To wit:

life is a verb - 37 days to wake up, be mindful, and live intentionally by Patti Digh (in which I have already found several great quotes and one great poem for my humanities class as well as moments of laughter and relaxation into just being me)

and

Fitting in is Overrated - The survival guide for anyone who has ever felt like an outsider by Leonard Felder (which says so many things I've always thought only nicer and more PhD in psychology-er)

I don't know how to explain how I knew that I needed to check out these particular books, except that their covers just seemed to pop at me and I felt weird leaving without them. I knew from almost 37 years of experience that if I didn't get the books now I would be thinking about them for days and finally get them anyway.

Most of my very good decisions came to me in this way. I referred to some of those very good decisions in my last post. Others include going to BYU just so I could take a class from Gene England and then doing so my very first semester there, reading Gene's "Why the Church is as True as the Gospel" as a teenager in the first place (that was another book-shining-on-the-library-shelf moment), applying for a job with DWS, dropping by the house that is now ours when it was for sale and "just happening" upon the sellers who let us just tour the house at will, going to Milo Bishop's "how to buy your first house" class just a month previously, dropping by another house a month or so before that (which did not become our house) and meeting a realtor who was "just helping out a friend that day" who did become our realtor, saying "yes" to the question, "Would you like an appointment with Sarah Jane, she's really good," (see facebook).

I think we all get the picture.

My intuition is often smarter than my brain. My brain knows it, too, and is always arguing with me in this alternatively snotty then patiently pleading voice. I occasionally give it ice cream and let it watch Digimon (or take a bath), so I can hear myself not think for awhile.

The second thing about me that I've only recently realized is that I'm a helper (the intuitive thing I've been aware of since high school at least). I help people. All. The. Time. Like today, riding in the elevator at the library down to the parking area this woman with a very Castillian accent was asking her gentleman companion how to explain in English that her heart was going very fast. He said he did not know. I gently butted in asking if she meant beating rapidly or accelerating. And just right this moment I'm feeling slightly bad that I didn't think of the term "racing," she would have liked that. She seemed very glad I butted in. Her gentleman friend seemed embarrassed.

At work I help all the time - customers, coworkers, strangers. I don't mean to be rude, but if I know the answer or know where to look for it, I am VERY likely to share. It's just this thing about me that is so intrinsic that I haven't really been aware that not all people are like this until recently. I think I finally noticed this tendency because I've been working on not "fixing" stuff for people, especially when they haven't asked me to and maybe even more especially when they have. I also like fixing stuff. And putting together puzzles and unraveling things. Gives my pattern-crazy mind something to do. :-)

Also, I like cheese. There, that's several things about me.

You might ask why I am writing all this stuff about me. Well, book one that I referred to above, reminded me that were I to suddenly shuffle off this mortal coil, I would like there to be something for my beloved kids to know me by - to know me, not just Mom, but Amanda. And here's one way I am starting to keep a record for them. As the subtitle says - this blog is simply a measure of me.

1Havi Brooks of Fluent Self dot com

Finding the Roots of Anxiety & Letting Go of Doing "It" Right

2009-08-29T09:11:00.012-06:00

For much of my life I have experienced nagging anxiety, a sense that something about me or what I'm doing is "wrong," and that I need to fix it. This is not a pleasant way to live and so for the past couple of years I've been trying to get at the source of this omnipresent feeling of not being good enough. I've found an excellent therapist, a great women's group, and perused many wonderful books. Here's a summary of my thoughts for now:

One way I have confronted the anxiety in the past is by fixing "it" so I do everything right. That's right, I've spent some time as a perfectionist. The problem is that I suck at it.

I have had aspirations of making lists for most of my life. For coming up with and following a plan so that everything in my life can be organized! clean! easy! It's not just women's magazines that have manufactured in me this yearning for containerized living. I blame growing up in the "Covey culture," that special era of planning mania that gripped Utah Mormondom in the 1980s. My Laurel's leader1 was especially influential. She had a day planner that dominated her life. The idea of "plan your work then work your plan" is still predominant in this lovely Desert, whoops, I mean Deseret.2

I have purchased many day planners in my life. My current one doesn't even have a calendar, it's just a project planner. I figured without the burden of dates, I might use it. Nope. I still haven't accomplished some of the "projects" that I wrote down one year ago when we bought the house. I do have a list of things I MUST DO this weekend. I will probably only accomplish the things that I really must do or face consequences I don't want (like having to pay another $50 late fee to the State Bar).

I've learned that something about me at a deep, psychological level resists order. Strike that and make it "resists being told what to do, even by myself!"3 I have a fundamentally free form kind of self. I prefer to flow with the go. If I make myself a neat plan for how to accomplish a particular goal, I will sabotage it. It's like I am constitutionally required NOT to follow a plan. For example, the only students at my law school who did less studying than me where stoned. Seriously.

If I make a plan for my day or a project (like cleaning the house) or whatever, eventually I'll become convinced I can either a) find something better to do or b) find a better way/moment to do whatever it is that I've planned. It's not an attentional deficit, it's a conscious choice to abandon the plan. So I follow my gut and do whatever I want to do in that moment and all is good - until this little nagging sense creeps up that I must be doing "it" wrong because I either don't have a plan or I'm not following the plan that I have. (I think "it" is life.)

With some self reflection and help from a friendly turtle, I'm approaching that nagging sense with the reminder that letting go of the illusion of control/perfection/doing "it" right, is an essential part of letting life glide me over to where I need to be. Not everything that "goes wrong" is my fault. And not everything that "goes right" is due to my righteous efforts either. I wasn't following "the" plan when I fell in love with Shane, decided to have kids, moved back to Utah (without a job!?!), kept getting blood test after blood test until "they" figured out it was cancer (I already knew on that deep intuitive level that the prefrontal lobes can't argue with).

What I know to be right and good doesn't always fit into justifiable, rational goals. And I am beginning to accept that just showing up - just being present for the present - is a miracle in itself. Living here, in this moment, "loving what is" here before me, is better that living for some moment in the future that I've convinced myself can only come if I follow a letter-perfect plan.

A second source of this underlying anxiety is fueled by other people's dreams for my life that I somehow mistook for my own. These are the things people who loved me were sure I would do/could do/should do because they could imagine me doing it. "You're so smart/talented/whatever, you have to 'do something' with your life!"

I think of my beloved debate coach who told me he expected me to "be on the cover of Time someday." My choir teacher's insistence that if I did not become a professional performer I was "wasting my gift." A dear college mentor's anxious sureness that I needed to represent striving, confident career women in the Church and make the Church safe for feminists. Friends who were sure that I would be the general Relief Society President some day.4

None of the dreams were mine, though I accepted that they should be and tried to accomplish them for many years. And oh the guilt when I decided I should do what I liked and wanted and needed!

But my dream is here, sitting across from me in a downtown SLC park eating a Moochies sandwich, and at the playground taking pictures of new friends then convincing them to play Wonder Pets,5 is simply being okay with the fact that I am not working on my syllabus/predrafting my decisions for next week/trying to take over the world.

I don't want/have to be the next big thing, the smartest one in the room, the one who makes sure everything gets done right & on time (& right!!!!!).

And yet. And yet. My heart still tightens as I realize I'm doing "nothing," that there must be "something" so much more worthwhile I could be spending this moment on. I know these thoughts to be illusions, though the emotions are real enough. So I attempt to stay with the feeling and let the mind flow where it might, sans control. I experience the pain this sense of self-lack brings and do "nothing" with it. Just for a moment I feel what it's like to be "me" feeling pain over not being/doing enough and I don't try to argue with or appease the feeling. I just feel it. And eventually it dissolves and my focus returns to the beautiful dreams that surround me, the life I never thought I would have - with a partner who supports/loves/cooks for me, with children who sparkle with intelligence and love. And I remember now is not only "enough," it's all there really is.

1In the LDS religion, there is an organization for young women called, appropriately enough, "Young Women's." The Laurels are the 16-18 year old group. I think they are still called Laurels.
2It's a Mormon thing, please don't make me explain it. Wait, pretty much everyone who reads this blog has been immersed in LDS culture, whether they are members of "the Church" or not. So nevermind! ;)
3I am hoping somewhere my late Mother will take comfort in this thought.
4The top leader of the women's organization in the LDS church. Oh wait! I wasn't going to explain these things anymore. Doh!
5That's where my dreams were when I first wrote this. They are presently located at the zoo looking at baby tigers and sitting on the couch watching Loonitics Unleashed. My dreams move around a lot.

Thoughts on Waking Up

2009-08-22T19:23:00.003-06:00

So I've been exploring Buddhism for a little while now (and by exploring I mean reading three or four Buddhist authors that appeal to me) and I've decided that I regard the idea of enlightenment - or waking up to reality - much the way I regarded the idea of "being saved" when I primarily identified as Christian. I never thought of myself as being "saved" once-and-for-all - probably because I grew up in the LDS church, which talks about such things as eternal progression. So I tend to think of enlightenment as a process one goes through rather than an end that one achieves. One awakens to one thing, then another, then you fall asleep a bit on that other thing, then wake up a bit more, fall asleep again. I visualize what little progress I make as going up a huge spiral staircase - I keep returning to the same issues, but hopefully I'm a bit more awake each time I swing by.

I'm never all the way awake and I have my doubts that I will ever fully let go of this thing we call a "self," but every once and awhile I see things a bit more clearly, I catch the habit, I notice my feelings rather than putting words on them so I can argue them down, I refrain from biting the hook (as Pema Chodron calls it). And it's nice. I am finding myself less attached to my own thoughts and ideas, my expectations for how things "should be," and finding that I have less ego - less dogs in the fight, so to speak. Truly life is more pleasant this way.

I had more thoughts two days ago when I was drafting this post in my head. Oh well. :-)

Actual Relaxation

2009-08-02T12:08:00.005-06:00

I have a very hard time actually relaxing. By that I mean that I am hardly ever deeply, unequivocally relaxed. The kind of relaxed where your muscles and your mind feel soft, warm (I have to admit though that just describing relaxation is making me feel better). One of my dear friends from college pointed out to me that everything was always a "crisis" and he was right. But I find that knowing is less-than-half the battle.

One of my new year aspirations was to "un-round" my shoulders. I am finding the focus on this aspiration helpful but the actual achievement of it almost impossible. My right shoulder is particularly "frozen." For example, while waiting for my lunch to cook at work, I will stand against the wall and place my hands behind my waist, in the "small" of the back. When I do this, I can feel the right shoulder blade "pop" out, pushing painfully into the wall. I then work on rolling my shoulder up and back, which gets the shoulder blade more in place, but boy is that a difficult stretch. Clearly I have used my right shoulder differently than my left one for years. But I also believe some of my stress, fear, alertness, is stored in that shoulder. (It also has something to do with using my mouse with that hand!) I think I've mentioned before that I believe that our memories are stored in our bodies as well as our brains - as well as out there in that medieval "ether" - I am hoping that my efforts to loosen and "normalize" my shoulders will help me release old pain and step out of my constant alertness and tension. I'm also working on my calves - which are unusually tight partially due to some arthritis in my feet plus poorly healed injuries and partially because I store stress there, too. I know it's a weird place to store stress - just trust me on this.

In addition to stretching, I've also tried just watching my reactions and my energy state for the last couple of months to see what feelings provoke shoulder hunching. I have noticed that most of the time part of my mind is on some kind of alert. Probably a good thing from an evolutionary perspective but hazardous to my long-term health. It is good to be on the alert for danger - especially when you have one child who has no fear of strangers and another with no fear of falling - but I am also aware that constant stress can damage your circulatory system as well as undermining your mental health. I want to be able to activate my parasympathetic system and reach deep relaxation - but sometimes I wonder if I even have a parasympathetic system!

Shane and I took the kids and the dog to the mountains in Nevada last weekend and somehow that was actually relaxing for me. At one point the boys, Shane, and the dog were splashing in a stream and I was taking pictures of them and the wildflowers (which filled the valley and were just awesome) and it hit me - I'm not worried about anything. I'm just here, looking at the lovely flowers, listening to the water and the children, delighting in their and Sophie's delight in the moment, feeling the sun and breeze, smelling the mountain air. It was lovely. I hoped to maintain the feeling for a little while when I returned to work on Monday, and I did, but by Friday it was gone. So part of this weekend I have tried to "just be here," to just feel the life around me instead of constantly attempting to direct and shape the energy. Going with the flow is just simply tough for a marathon life swimmer like me.

The evil that is Rodale/Prevention

2009-07-13T19:32:00.003-06:00

So, when we moved to this new house I stupidly ordered Prevention. I paid for my subscription. Somehow a new order was "received" on January 9, 2009, and they have been bugging me for $12 ever since then. I ignored it because I PAID FOR MY SUBSCRIPTION. But noooo, apparently what I paid for is an "expired, completed or cancelled subscription." Just today I got a notice that told me that if I didn't get them their $12 immediately they were going to turn the account over to the "North Shore Collection Agency." Wev. I went online and canceled. What do you want to bet they will try to charge me $7 for the issues I've already received, and, as far as I recall, do not recall ordering.

Please take this as a warning never, ever, ever subscribe to this worthless little magazine. The articles are recycled crap and they have a deep loathing for fat people. And they will take every opportunity to bill you. They will also send you books you don't want and did not order and then try to make you pay for them (true story, I did not fall for it and called customer service and sent it back). They remind me so much of People Magazine which kept sending my Mom subscriptions renewal forms, even though she had paid through, like 2020. Anyway, Rodale/Prevention truly, truly suck eggs, my little dumplings.

Card didn't just drink the kool-aid - he bathed himself in it well and good

2009-06-22T09:56:00.002-06:00

Look at this little "aside" from OSC's most recent column at greensboro.rhinotimes.com:

(California is a desert, until you add irrigation water and illegal immigrant gardeners.)

Sure, Mr. Card, all farm workers in California are illegal immigrants. Nevermind the long early history of California farm workers who were white refugees of the dust bowl. Nevermind all the people who came here (some of whome were coerced) from Asia to build railroads then abandoned to figure out their own way. Nevermind all the people WHO WERE HERE FIRST and suddenly became "illegal immigrants" when California became part of the US instead of Mexico. Nevermind the fact that brown skin does not make one an illegal immigrant. We must appease our crazy-hat conservative readers and pretend that all the brown people in California don't really belong. Because California really belongs to white people, they just let the brown people stay because they have such a knack for growing things.

Okay, so I read more into that than is there. But still. I used to think Mr. Card was a compasionate person, someone who was really and truly Mormon. My doubts have been growing for awhile, but the casualness of this aside and all of the assumptions that are behind it just make me sick. Why do I punish myself by reading this crap?!

What I've been doing with my one precious life lately

2009-06-19T11:26:00.004-06:00

Mostly I've been working. I agreed to work overtime on Fridays the past few weeks so our office can keep up with the record setting number of appeals we've gotten this year. Just to be clear, we number each appeal we receive sequentially, so the very first appeal we receive on January first is appeal number one, the second appeal is two, and so on and so forth. We recently received appeal number 8000. We did not have 8000 appeals in 2007 - we had 7302 to be exact (edit 6/22/09). We had just over 10,000 appeals in 2008 (which was a record number). We are not even halfway through 2009 yet! This, folks, is a true economic indicator.

Since I decided to teach last semester and the class was on Friday afternoons, this is the first Friday I've had fully off work for awhile. So what am I doing with my precious time? Surfing the nets. There is so much wonderful (and shapely) prose out there, I'm actually sitting inside when I could be enjoying the sunshine that finally decided to grace SLC. Oy. If you'd like to enjoy the bloggers I enjoy just look to the right of the screen and follow the links.

Oh, and I promise to soak up some sun today, I really, really do.

Little edit - I have recently removed all family & friend websites, except my sister's, from the blog roll to preserve everyone's privacy & all that. I still visit & like your blogs & if you want to remain on the blog roll, send me a line!

Words fail me

2009-06-07T09:54:00.002-06:00

http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/NEWKHSITE/data/html_dir/2009/06/05/200906050055.asp

Here's the headline:

"Firm sues dead actress for being beaten - and wins"

Here's a quote:

"Models who failed to maintain appropriate dignity as representatives of the products they represent should compensate for the damages caused to their advertiser, the top court ruled. "

I agree with the lower court:

"A lower court said in an earlier ruling that Choi could not be held responsible for depreciating the image of the apartment or the company as she had not been proven guilty of causing her former husband's violence. "

Thank you to Hoyden About Town for alerting me to this story.

(http://viv.id.au/blog/20090607.5262/model-choi-jin-sil-sued-for-being-beaten/)

Murdering in the name of preventing murder

2009-06-01T12:05:00.004-06:00

I don't have words to respond to the murder of Dr. George Tiller this weekend in Kansas - in the foyer of his church as he handed out the church bulletin! I'm just simply stunned. I am going to ask that you read this blog, regardless of your views on abortion:

http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2009/06/01/late_term_abortion/index.html

I lost my ability to have children when I was 33 years old, three days after my birthday. I have watched loved ones struggle and pray for a child of their own. The loss of a child is heart-wrenching and I don't know that I would have chosen to abort any of my own pregnancies. I believe that every child is precious and should be greeted with rejoicing. And yet I still feel that abortion should be a choice determined by a woman and her medical care provider(s), not by the State, and definitely not by a murderer.

See below for an article regarding the suspect:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/02/us/02tiller.html?hp

Here's the quote I find chilling:

"Commenting on Dr. Tiller’s death, Mr. Leach [who runs the Prayer and Action News newsletter] said, “To call this a crime is too simplistic.” He added, “There is Christian scripture that would support this."

My anger is so high right now I'm afraid of saying something deeply hateful.

(this post was edited by ABM)

Grieving still . . .

2009-05-24T12:13:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking about Mom a lot lately. Mother's Day and Memorial day certainly have brought her to my mind, as have all the happenings in our family. What they say about grief is right - it will come out of the blue and knock you down again when you thought you were done with being sad. We are planning to take roses from our garden up to the cemetery on Monday - which is particularly meaningful for me, since I have a sixth sense that Mom helped us get this house from the other side. I've been reading Mom's copies of the Harry Potter books, and wondering if she would have liked the last one - she was too tired from the chemo to finish it, I think. I tried to watch Xena the other night but it's just too hard. Shane inherited Mom's Xena video collection - he loves it. Yesterday, while at my sister's, I listened to a wonderful rendition of a love song from Brigadoon sung by an American Idol contestant - and thought how Mom would have actually been willing to come by the computer to listen to it.

The grief I felt/feel with Mom's illness and passing is unlike any other I've known. The pain has been so physical for me - a tightness in my heart that makes it feel as if my chest might collapse in on itself. I've focused on actually letting myself feel the pain - instead of clamping down on it or distracting myself the way I normally do - and it's hard! Feeling the pain has made me keenly aware of why I've often avoided feeling pain in the past.

There really isn't a way to end this post, other than saying that I miss Mom's wit and her endless curiosity. I miss the way she could be delighted by finding a new brand of something like cereal at the store. I miss the way she would get so excited about new shows on tv each season (she would really like Castle) and the way she would try to get me to watch that dang karaoke show she liked so much.

I imagine she would be so happy for Vic and Jennika right now - in fact, I imagine she would be vibrating with joy and that none of us would be able to get her to stop talking about how wonderful and smart and cute Jennika is, and how happy Vic is, and what will Minnie (the dog) do if Vic doesn't take her with him, and did you know that Vic got a scholarship from the history department because he's done so well, but it's a shame he can't use all of it, etc. etc. She would love playing with smiley baby Dane. I imagine she would love watching us transform our yard - from a distance. She would be proud of Eli and Cole going to kindergarten in the fall. She would be so proud of Reilley getting baptized next week. I imagine Michael telling her his plans for Elemeno the Clown and her getting confused (as I do when he talks to me about it!).

I know that Mom is happy for Dad and his new love & life with Neva. I know that she is watching and loving us from the other side. And I know she is happy where she is and for that I am glad.

Random Thoughts of Randomness

2009-05-09T20:16:00.002-06:00

This has been an interesting week. M woke up Tuesday morning with bright red cheeks. We quickly learned that he has a relatively harmless virus that makes a spectacular rash. We thought it was an allergic reaction at first. Apparently several kids at E's school have had the same thing.

I have felt crappy all week, don't know if it's the same thing as M or just spring-time cold. I got sick just in time for finals. Grading my student's final projects is not difficult - their presentations are quit fun actually - but finding time to grade all the last-minute assignments when you are sick and have a full-time job to boot - that's hard. And the hardest part of my teaching job, bar done, is posting my failing students grades. It's almost as hard as denying people benefits. I don't know how students expect to pass a course when they don't do the assignments - or even show up to the final . . .

Shane is officially unemployed and using the services of my department. I'm actually really happy to have him home. There are strong advantages to having a parent available during the day. I've noticed that he seems much more relaxed now that he's finally been laid-off. It's nerve-racking looking for a job in this economy, but I hope that he is getting some satisfaction in the work he's done on the house and the garden. I reminded him that having established landscaping - instead of a quarter acre of weeds - will increase the value of our home tremendously, even in this market. Once again I am so deeply thankful that we have no credit card debt, we own our vehicle, we bought a modest home we can afford on my salary, and we have paid down my law-school loans to manageable levels. Sometimes I think we lived in Tennessee just so I could get hooked on Dave Ramsey's anti-debt campaign, and as soon as I got it, the universe brought us back here to Utah.

One last thing, as proof of how awesome Shane is: The other day we were at a bookstore with a large display of mother's day cards. I said, "I don't have a Mom anymore," and Shane replied, "Yes, you do. Why don't we take a card up to the graveside on Sunday." And then he gave me a hug. Our relationship is unequivocally the more precious part of my life. I love you, sweetie.

More About Native Plants . . .

2009-04-30T19:31:00.002-06:00

Great article from the NYTimes:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/30/garden/30GARDEN.html

The book the writer speaks of, “Bringing Nature Home: How Native Plants Sustain Wildlife in our Gardens” (Timber Press, 2007), by Douglas W. Tallamy, is the book that inspired our recent native plantings as well. And I am fired up to start planting more. I noticed lots of native bees buzzing around the dandelions in the early spring. But S is allergic to them, so we have to pull them out. And no, dandelions are not native but all kinds of bees like them.

We are also being sure to leave some uncovered ground to provide nesting area for native bees. Most bees native to North America burrow in the soil or in wood and do not live in hives. So leave some portion of your yard unplanted, to give those sweeties room to roost. If you can't tell, I love bees and bees love me. I'm one of those weirdos who's never been stung. (Now watch me go get stung right now).

Here's more of why you (yes, you) need to put some native, flowering plants in your garden, if you haven't already:

"My Korean spicebushes (Viburnum carlesii) are also in full bloom, their clusters of pinkish-white flowers filling the air with the heady scent of cinnamon and honey. But it’s striking how few bees are sipping nectar from these Asian shrubs compared with my native redbud and sassafras trees, which are literally vibrating with pollinators.

It bears out the research that Gordon Frankie, an entomologist at the University of California, Berkeley, has begun in gardens around that city, where he and his students have surveyed 1,000 different plants, both native and nonnative.

“Only 50 were native plants, but of that 50, 80 percent were attractive to pollinators,” Professor Frankie said. “In contrast, only 10 percent of the 950 nonnatives were attractive to pollinators.”"

Go native, y'all!

More of What We Planted

2009-04-26T19:24:00.003-06:00

So, we planted the native and drought-tolerant perennials by the walk to the front door.

We have:

"wild thing" sage (salvia greggii)
"coral canyon" twinspur (diascia integerrima - from S Africa)
desert beardtongue (penstemon pseudospectabilis - native)
sticky geranium (geranium viscosissimum - "utah's choice")
firecracker penstemon (penstemon eatonii - native)
mountain big sagebrush (artemisia tridentata vaseyana - native)
rubber rabbitbruch (chrysothamnus nauseosus - native)
heather queen/mosquito plant (agastache cana - ?)

All native plants were purchased at Western Gardens. Some even came with a cute "slow the flow" waterwise plant label with the "waterwiseplants.utah.gov" website listed.

Some of these are going to get too big for where we've put them. I'm hoping they will survive being dug up and repositioned later on - hopefully not till fall.

We also put in lavender by the steps to the front door, and lots and lots of alyssum. I think the walk will smell lovely, no? And be very bee friendly.

Garden Dreams

2009-04-26T08:59:00.002-06:00

Shane & I have brought a whole lots of seeds and plants the past few weeks. It is so fun to have some land that we can grow in. We've bought two apple trees (a fuji and a jonathan red), an Italian prune (plum), blackberries, raspberries, currants, strawberries, tomatoes, cabbage, peppers, many herbs, spinach, etc. We have many seeds we are praying will sprout (a few radishes already have). We have also bought a bunch of native/drought tolerant perrenials for the front garden. Yes, we've gone a little plant crazy!

We've put the trees in the "back back yard," were the playhouse is. We are planning to put the popcorn back there this year as well, so it doesn't cross polinate with the flour corn we are putting in the regular garden. Eventually this area will be the mini-orchard, with the fruit trees and a beehive.

In the "back yard" we have the veggie garden and the compost. And the tire swing. And the clothes line. And, hopefully, the shade-loving wildflower patch.

In the side yard, were the massive roses are, we've put in all the berries. The herbs are in the kitchen window box.

We are planning to put the perrenials in the front yard, along with some lavendar by the front porch, to go with the smaller roses. We hope to have an almond and a walnut in the front yard, eventually. Shane's Dad has some great walnuts and he is going to start some saplings, and he's giving us one. I cannot even begin to thank him for all the help he's given us - including helping us prune like crazy when we moved here last fall.

Our dreams are probably bigger than our abilities--well, my abilities. But with Shane temporarily out of work and me working four 10's, we think we can keep up with it all. We think of it as an investment in our house and our family. We intend to stay here forever, but if we do need to sell, established fruit trees and vines, as well as the climate appropriate perrennials, should help the resell value. But mostly we are excited for the food and beauty! E is as excited as we are to grow our own food (M is mostly happy about strawberries). And that's a really good feeling.

Great post from Byron Katie

2009-04-18T08:57:00.005-06:00

http://www.byronkatie.com/2009/04/business_inquiry_having_more_c.htm

In this post a salesperson confronts his belief that "having more customers means having more profits."

Katie's process is pretty simple. First, you find a thought that seems to bring you pain. Then you ask yourself "is it true." Then you ask, "is it really True? Can I know with 100% certainty that this thought is true?" (hint - most thoughts are not 100% true - those that are you sit with). Then you try to "turn it around," basically come up with the opposite thought. So in the above example you could say, "having less customers means having more profits" or "having more customers means having less profits." Then you ask yourself if the opposite statement is true, or at least as true as the original statement. You try to come up with at least three ways the opposite is true.

This process has been useful for me in confronting beliefs about myself, like "I'm too fat" or "I'm a bad mother" or "I have to do everything just right or I'll be in trouble/no one will like me/the world will collapse." :)

I learned about Katie's process from my friends Carol and Kathy. I like the simplicity of it and the way it helps free you from word traps in your head. Hope you like it too!

Radio Magic and Misheard Lyrics

2009-04-16T18:24:00.002-06:00

I've noticed a strong musical, radio (radial?) magic connected with the women's group I attend once a month. Last month one group member talked about her efforts to find a new job. She radiated positive energy (she was seriously glowing!) and I had a strong feeling that she was going to suceed. I told her that she had this awesome magical energy popping all around her. And lo and behold, when I got in the car after group I flipped on the radio and I heard, "Oh-ho it's magic, you know-oh-oh." I started laughing uproariously and turned off the radio. I emailed my group to share with them. And, yes, she did get the job - earning twice what she was before and moving into a much healthier working environment.

This month we talked about surrendering to the realities of parenting - such as, you can't control children and they make their own mistakes and choices. One group member also talked about listening to her real self and trying to find out what her true self wants. So I get in the car and hear, "Listen to your heart - there's nothing else you can do - I don't know where you're going and I don't know why - but listen to your heart." Not all the lyrics worked but still - close enough, eh? And I don't know where my friend is going - she is in a deep transitional stage - but I trust that if she can hear what her inner voice says she will go the right direction.

So that songs ends and I suffer through some Rod Stewart song a bit, flip channels for awhile and land on a station playing Dido's White Flag. I totally misheard the lyrics at first as saying "I will not get down with this shit [yep, that's what I heard, sorry] - I will put my up hands and surrender - There will be a white flag above my door." Yes, those are not the lyrics (the lyrics are exactly opposite actually), but what I heard matched what we were talking about. So that probably says more about my crazy brain. But still . . . radio magic.

Status Update (Overshare Warning!)

2009-04-04T21:08:00.002-06:00

We took M & E to "mighty mites" today, which is a little sports group at the community center for younger kids on Saturdays. M is just too dang silly to focus on playing well, but E is a natural. They were playing with basketballs this morning. Guess who made 80% of his shots? Of course, they had the hoops about four feet off the ground. :-) E was totally focused on the instructions and quickly picked up everything but dribbling, which is harder when you are only about 3 feet tall. M was just silly, as usual. The two male teachers were both named Paul - M immediately named them Thing One and Thing Two. So no surprise M's current career goal is "clown."

Just had my annual check-ups with my CNM and my endocrinologist, and I am happy to report that all's well! My endo is kind enough to order a HcG test with my thyroid labs (the tumor that I had produced HcG) and it was totally negative! I am so happy to celebrate another year cancer free.

My CNM said I had lost 8 pounds since my last visit and tried to encourage me to get below a certain weight. I told her that if I try to lose weight - if I even think about trying to lose weight actually - I will more likely than not gain weight. I told her that to lose weight I just have to focus on being happy. And I cannot be happy if I think I need to lose weight. She was kindly skeptical.

My endo also noticed that I lost weight (she thought it was more the 8 pounds but she doesn't weigh me - Gosh I love her). She asked me what I had being doing to cause the weight loss and I told her we bought a house and I got happier. I explained that I have noticed that the happier I am, the healthier and leaner I become. She thought that was totally sensible. Did I mention that I totally love her!? (Dr. Leanne Swenson, in case you want to go see her yourself). Dr. Swenson noted that I seem to, hormonally at least, be going through an early menopause, due to the hysterectomy. She said that the reason I feel little to no symptoms is because I am reasonably active. She said that active women experience few, if any, of the symptoms of menopause. Yet another reason to get moving!!!

Shane says he's noticed that the happier I am, the less fatty, sugary foods I eat, which makes sense. Fatty, sugary foods work like anti-depressants for me. When I am naturally happy, I don't need them.

In other news, Shane got the word that there is no more funding for him staring May 1. Financially, I feel mostly prepared for Shane to be laid-off but I still have moments of terror - and moments of elation. We Shane first told me I sort of jumped for joy - mainly because I think Shane will be so much happier in another job. We have a semi-decent savings cushion and once we get our interest-free loan from Uncle Sam (because we were new homeowners in 2008) we can pay off one more law school loan and be that much closer to debt-free living. I am grateful we started living the "Ramsey" plan all those years ago. We've not been able to scream "we're debt free!" yet but we are getting close. Given that we started $125,000+ down the hole, I'm feeling good (of course, if you count the house, we are still quite a ways down the hole, but I'm not counting the house right now).

Since I'm the whole "status update" mode, I thought I'd review how I'm doing on my New Year's intentions:

1. Breathe.
I am doing pretty well at this. I notice that the faster I catch myself holding my breath, the quicker I can release the tension by "aerating" it.

2. Un-round my shoulders.
Also doing well here. I've noticed that as I've released the tension in my shoulders, I've released some old emotional pain. Big surprise there, right?

3. Hug my kids etc.
Well, I'm good at hugging, not so much at the "etc." I find it very hard to listen to M because he has a hard time telling a story coherently and E is sometimes just plain ornery - and thus hard to listen to. But the more I focus on dropping my own storyline and being present, the easier this intention is to meet.

4. Never take the amazing Shane for granted.
This one is piece of cake!

5. Walk & bike whenever walking or biking is an option.
We had a mini-spring earlier in the year and I took full advantage of it. I love the late season snow, since it truly helps with the hydration come July, but I miss being able to bike to work. E and I took a nice walk this evening with Sophie - it was great for us to just be together enjoying the natural world. He is my nature boy.

6. Pay attention to my home's appearance etc.
So not going well. Need to pay attention to this more, definitely.

Well, that's a lot, but I haven't posted in awhile.

How I am Making the New Facebook Homepage Work for Me

2009-03-22T08:29:00.002-06:00

In a phrase - I've sorted my friends.

Facebook lets you make lists of friends (go to top blue bar, hover over friends, pick all friends, then click on "make a new list). After you have made your lists, you can use the lists to see the updates from just those friends. All you do is click on the list name on the homepage. So I've made lists of my immediate family, my extended family, Shane's immediate family, his extended family, friends from high school, friends from college, friends from grad school, work friends, SLC friends, etc. You could make a list of "people whose status updates are always funny" if you wanted.

You can also click on the type of update you want to see. For example, if you only want to look at all the awesome links your buds post, click on links. If you just want to see pics, click on pics. (These are all on the left-hand side control bar).

I don't love the new FB homepage, but hey, change is life, life is change. I deal. :-)

New blogs that I've added to my "roll"

2009-03-10T20:57:00.002-06:00

I just added Margaret Ruth and Byron Katie's blogs to my "roll."

I love MR - she gives free "love questions only" readings on X-96 Friday mornings - and what she really does is give some of the best relationship advice I have ever heard.

I first heard about BK from a friend of mine from my woman's group. I'm not totally in love with her process but it is useful to pull you head out of your delusions and see things as they really are. Her blog is accessible - and weird.

Enjoy!

This week has slipped through my fingers . . .

2009-03-08T09:56:00.001-06:00

Like water
Or rice
Or yarn.

More about Tao of Equus and The Forgiving Self

2009-03-01T11:02:00.004-07:00

These books have definitely captured me. I have bookmarked so many pages and started writing down great quotes that I hope to share in later posts.

I just went to the website for Epona Equestrian Services and found pictures of the horses that Kohanov writes about: http://www.taoofequus.com/gallery.html I am so glad I get to put faces with the names! I particularly like the pictures of the horses in motion.

One idea from Tao of Equus that is really present in my mind today is the idea of giving boys the space they need to express their male energy without punishment. Kohanov writes about one horse (Merlin) who had been punished for expressing his vital energy - and as a result he came to associate his life force with punishment, pain and fear. As the mother of two young boys that insight struck me to the core. My boys do have a vital male energy that I cannot really relate to - but I hope to give them space to express that energy in ways that are beneficial to their community and to themselves. My hope is that they see their male energy as vital and life-giving, rather than something destructive that must be suppressed or disciplined out of them.

I have also been meditating about Kohanov's ideas about emotional congruence - about letting your body match your emotions. I think that children pick up on real emotions - and not the "nicey-nice" front that we show them. And when the nicey-nice is covering rage - well, the kid will respond to the rage not the front (which generally has the effect of bringing the suppressed rage to the forefront). Robert Karen talks about children's need to protest in The Forgiving Self - he writes, "Protest, which is what anger is all about, is a natural and necessary part of nonnarcissistic connections. People aren't perfectly attuned to us, they don't do the right thing by us all the time, they can be mean and vindictive or simply wrapped up in themselves, and protest is part of the way we negotiate and correct relationships." I realize that I must give my children space for their protests - and really hear those protests - if I am to honor them as human beings. And I must give myself space for my own protests as well.

Two books that pulled me away from the others I was reading

2009-02-22T21:21:00.002-07:00

This happens to me a lot - I'm happily reading one book, another catches my eye, and before I know it I'm reading 5 books at a time.

Book Number One:
The First Idea: How symbols, language, and intelligence evolved from our primate ancestors to modern humans. Stanley I Greenspan and Stuart G Shanker. This has it all - sociobiology, emotions & the development of intelligence, and what looks like a good reason to read the whole thing, the final chapter entitled, "Future Evolution: Toward a Psychology of Global Interdependency."

Book Number Two:
The Tao of Equus: A woman's journey of healing and transformation through the Way of the Horse. This book is simply gorgeous, deep, complex and purely simple at the same time. There is a profound synergy between this book and book number one that bounces through my brain and body with delicious energy.

The Book I Haven't Gotten to Yet, that if I do get will probably trump all of these:
Animals Make Us Human: creating the best life for animals. Temple Grandin.

Falling in Love

2009-02-22T20:47:00.003-07:00

So my little bro is falling in love (as is his totally cute, sweet, smart gf - can you tell I like her?). It reminds me of when Shane and I fell in love. There was something so right about all of it. I was (and am) tremendously lonely whenever he was gone. I don't know how we survived living in two states for eleven months expect through our utter faith in one another and enormous phone bills. Shane can see me the way no one else can. The thought of not being with him through my life's journey brought me unbearable sorrow and pain and the dream/image/thought of being with him brought a great sense of peace, joy, freedom, and a deep centered power. There's really no other feeling like it. It was a knowing that was deep - body/soul deep - the knowing that overwhelms and confounds the knowing that comes from the brain.

I started thinking about falling in love the other day when I went to my older son's school singing assembly. The fifth graders performed a rap about not smoking (oy!) and one rotund kid came forward, mumbling out a free flowing extended "improv" as cool as could be and another kid got up performed a break dance routine that was straight-up old school. The other kids cheered and boogied in their seats. And I started to cry. Seriously cry, tears of joy flowing down my face. I think what got me was the sense of pride in the whole class as they worked together and enjoyed the skills of their classmates. Each grade performed a song. The first graders (M's class) and the kindergartners sang a very sweet song (more tears): I like being me/and my friends help me see/I'm somebody special/happy as can be./I feel good inside/when I do what's right/I help my friends and family/I like being me. Eli and I cuddled as we watched the performances. And I swear I fell in love with all the kids/teachers/parents/etc in the auditorium.

After taking Eli to his preschool (where I already know I am in love with all his friends and have the hardest time leaving each morning) I came home and listened to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill yet again while doing laundry and grading papers. Hill's song "To Zion" was one of the inspirations for MZ's name. That song never fails to get me crying . . . "And I thank you for choosing me/To come here unto life to be/A beautiful expression of His grace." I know I'm not getting the lyrics exactly right - but this is what I hear. I think so much of the living of life well requires falling in love with life, falling in love over and over again with the people who surround us, with the Earth that sustains us, with the Spiritual powers that nurture us - with everything. Because everything is everything -- L Boogie is absolutely right on that account.

Addicted to the printed word

2009-02-20T07:32:00.002-07:00

I have a tendency to read mostly non-fiction. I have a bad habit of reading just the introduction and a chapter or two of many books. But life is too short to waste reading books that don't really grab you. Here are two books that have grabbed me and that I intend to read all the way to the end:

The Forgiving Self: The road from resentment to connection. Robert Karen.

Very accessible and humane discussion of what forgiveness really is - deeply spiritual and realistic.

Enduring Seeds: Native American agriculture and wild plant conservation. Gary Paul Nabhan.

I cannot praise this 20-year old book highly enough. Beautifully written and vitally important information.

Here is another book that I've just started and I have high hopes for:

The Ascent of Money: A financial history of the world. Niall Ferguson.

I've just read the introduction so far. Hopefully it lives up to its ambitions.

I have other books by my bed that I haven't started "really reading" yet. So those will have to wait for another post . . . if they make the cut.

Dreams

2009-02-09T21:15:00.004-07:00

So I had a powerful dream last night. Someone, I'm not sure who, was reading my cards, and pointed to the 12 card and said, very clearly, that's you. I could not actually see the card, I just knew which number it was (this is strange - I usually see things - even read things - in my dreams). The number twelve was just simply stuck in my head when I awoke and I never forgot it. Stranger, I forgot which card in the tarot number 12 was, so I ended up looking it up online at work and, then, remembered and was not surprised.

The twelve card is "the hanged man," which sounds seriously scary but it is not. The hanged man hangs by his feet from a cross. His right is crossed behind his left. His arms are usually immobilized as well. But the man's face is serene and peaceful. The card is often viewed as someone who is "hanging out" between the worlds - not quite part of our work-a-day world, not quite part of the realm of the spirits. I love, love, love Johanna Powell Colbert's version in her Gaian tarot. The hanged man is a woman, standing in tree pose upside down in a tree! The horizon is tilted (I love that part!). I recommend you go see it at her website gaiantarot[dot]com

To me the card is about walking between the worlds, being suspended between the real world of our bodies and eyes, and the other real world of our spirits and energies. Both in touch with what we normally call reality and that other reality of the Spirit, of G-d. I drew this card for myself with my women's group a couple months ago. Apparently that energy is still with me. It makes me happy to think that the walker between the worlds is me.

Also, my Mom's birthday is coming up, February 12. I think the 12 is also connected with her. Love you Mom.

Martha Beck's "Team" thing

2009-02-06T18:11:00.003-07:00

So, I've written many posts in my head that never made it to the keyboard. Maybe I'll remember them this weekend. Maybe not.

I've been reading Martha Beck's blog lately (marthabeck.com/blog) and I've found it interesting. Martha was a professor of mine at BYU and she had somewhat of a cult following even then. Funny to me how independent feminist types are always looking for a leader (ok, ok, that was a wild generalization that I didn't really mean, sorry). I've read all but Martha's most recent book. I've even hoisted a few copies of "Finding Your Own North Star" on unsuspecting friends. Her ideas have been very useful in my life, but I don't see her as a guru.

Anyway, her idea of a mystical team dedicated to saving the earth was interesting to me because I've known about the team, well at least a team, for a long time. In fact, her recent obsession seems a little late in the game to me, but the more the merrier. Mother Earth needs as many humans as possible paying attention and living lightly upon Her. I liked her talking about the ancestors, but I was surprised she was afraid of them at first. To me, G-d is a collective of beings dedicated to the continuation of life and the joyful enjoyment of the same - i.e. the ancestors. The ancestors came to me most strongly when I was in labor with Michael. The peace of those moments is precious to me.

The funniest thing to me about Martha's writings is how Mormon they are, without her realizing it. Her writing, coaching, everything is about getting in touch with the Spirit, bringing the Comforter's presence. The numinous knowing that she talks about is the same as a "real" testimony, the clear as day knowing what is true and the almost irrepesible need to follow that truth. I'm not really LDS anymore either (see above), but I know G-d when I see them.

In one of the posts, Martha listed certain qualities of people on her team. I realized going through them that I am not one of those people. I am certainly on the save the earth team, I'm just not on her team. And that's okay, because I have my own team, my own tribe.

It turned out to be an interesting exercise for me to respond to the qualities one by one. And, because this is my blog, I'm gonna throw it all out there and see what y'all think!

* You’ve always felt separate and odd, misunderstood by others while having the ability to make them feel understood.

True for many, many years. I feel understood by most people now that I know better how to make myself understood. People do seem to be drawn to me and always have. I believe that people tend to like me because I love them first. There are very, very few people that I have met in this life that I did not like, and even fewer that I do not love.

* You’re haunted by a feeling of having something incredibly important to do, but you don’t know what it is. Over the past couple of years, this feelings has become almost overwhelmingly intense.

True to a point. I had the overwhelming mission sense from childhood through to my mid-thirties. I drove some of my dearest friends in college insane with the “I know I need to do something important” talk. However, the feeling has actually de-intensified in the past few years. The de-intensification seems to have started after I recovered from my illness and got into therapy. I believe the feeling has de-intensified because I am on the right track and don’t need to be prodded as much anymore. At least I hope the spiritual nudges are more subtle now because I catch on quicker and not for some other more sinister reason (I’m ambidextrous, not left-handed - just a little language joke there).

In the O for You conference talk that’s online (go to the "news" section of the Martha site if you are interested), Martha talked about female students coming to her and talking about feeling they had a mission in life. Martha was one of my favorite professors actually -- and I feel like I should be referring to her as professor Beck -- and several of the students who came to her were my friends, but I was not one of the students that came to her. I knew I had a mission in life and wondered how I was going to get there, but it never occurred to me to ask Martha about that, at least not that I’m recalling now.

I do remember Martha wondering why I was so fascinated with bem diagrams of traditional masculine and feminine characteristics in the Western tradition. I was fascinated by them because I didn’t fit in any category and it confirmed what I always knew to be true – that the whole idea of certain personality traits belonging to one gender or another was bunk! The whole idea of a gender dichotomy fascinates me because it has never fit with my experiences with people. Still doesn’t.

*You hate small talk, but find that large talk is not encouraged.

I do dislike hateful small talk. However, I enjoy the kind of small talk that means, “I love you, but I’m too tired to think or speak too deeply. Let’s chat about the weather and just feel good in one another’s presence.” I find large talk wherever I go and whenever I want it, for the most part. The non-encouraging of large talk by the larger culture has never discouraged me!

*You love, love, love animals; in fact, your life feels incomplete unless you’re interacting with animals.

Not true for me. I do like animals, there have been a few special pets that I have loved. Some animals have been very bonded to me and I to them. But it’s not a “love, love, love” thing. I like people in general more than animals, but I don’t find animals to be that different that people, if that makes sense.

*Your childhood and adolescence were difficult. Like really, really difficult—abuse, addiction, years-of-total-despair difficult.

Yes and no. I did have years of great despair but I always fought it off by being true to myself. I felt that I was an “object of scorn” at my elementary and jr high school.I felt very, very alone as a child and thought my parents did not love me. But I did have G-d and a few dear friends (some of whom are still a part of my life). I broke off with some deeply bad-for-me friends in 8th grade, found much better friends in 9th grade and by 10th grade I felt I had found my people. Many of those people are still my friends. I figured out in college how to draw my people to me and have never been without friends since. I think I’ve sort of figured out how to be just normal enough not to scare everyone away!

*You’ve had a significant “life accident” such as losing several family members to death, being physically disabled, or having a child with a disability.

I lost my mom recently, but have not lost several family members unexpectedly (the old ones are mostly all gone now). No one in my immediate family is disabled and neither am I.

*You’ve had a long-term, disabling and/or painful illness that was mysteriously unresponsive to medical treatment.

Nope. I had a very rare form of cancer for which the only treatment was hysterectomy, but I wasn’t in pain, wasn’t disabled. The experience did spur me into therapy, which was good. I did have undiagnosed hypothyroidism but it responded instantly to treatment.

*You occasionally feel compelled to learn or create certain things, without really knowing why.

Make that always compelled to learn. I regularly have dozens of books checked out from the library. I read all the time! I used to wander the floors of the BYU library just looking for books that popped out to me. I recently learned that my husband did the same thing in college (but he was the U).

*You’ve begun meeting people who are like you, in a strange way you can’t articulate, and you feeling powerfully drawn to these people despite lots of surface differences.

Don’t know about this being a recent thing (see above answers). I’ve always had at least a few wonderful friends in my life at all times – I’m lucky that way. I have noticed that some of my oldest and dearest friends are interested in the same things I’m interested in about homesteading, the environment, and social stability, and I think that’s something.

25 Random Things about Me

2009-01-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

Copied from facebook . . .

1. I don't believe I was ever a straight-A student. Maybe once. In fact, Marisa (my sister) generally got better grades in both high school and college than I did. For some reason, this surprises people. It doesn't surprise me. I'm too lazy to get straight As. So is Vic (my bro) except now that he's found what he loves, I wouldn't be surprised if he can't help getting straight As.

2. My favorite food is sashimi. I love raw fish - I am convinced this is due to my Scandinavian ancestry. I try not to eat it too often due to environmental concerns. My next favorite food is either rare roast beef or lamb. Can you tell that my attempts at vegetarianism did not last long?

3. Both my children were born naturally - in fact, Eli was born at home and the midwife was late, so Shane caught him. When we moved from that home this summer, Eli was the saddest of all. Just two days ago he told me that although he likes our new house, he misses the old one. I am convinced this is due to the fact that he took his first breath in the kitchen there.

4. Shane, my husband, takes much better care of me than I do of him. But he will not admit to it.

5. On the hand, Shane has addicted me to comic books, like I really needed to add more paper to my life. I'm currently reading Buffy Season Eight, Angel After the Fall, Fables and Wonder Woman. The boys love Tiny Titans. I almost never read comics before I met him.

6. I clip coupons, then forget to take them with me.

7. I have a huge collection of fabric etc. grocery bags because I keep buying new ones when I forget to take one with me. This is not good and must stop!

8. I have never colored my hair. I haven't had any sort of chemical enhancement to my locks since the 80s (yes, even I had a perm in the 80s).

7. I almost never wear makeup, even now that I am getting few age spots and light wrinkles around my eyes. On the rare occasions that I do wear makeup, people are literally stunned. I think because I am totally inept in putting on makeup. :-)

8. I love to sing but haven't been on stage in years and years. When we were driving up to Ogden for ebeilskeivers at Rissa's, I was signing along to a carol on the radio, and my son Michael said that my voice was good enough to be on the radio. He was my favorite son for at least 15 minutes.

8. I inherited an irrational need to collect rubber bands, twisty ties, and plastic bags from my Mom.

9. Speaking of Mom, she passed away a little over a year ago, but it still seems unreal to me because I can still hear her telling me corny jokes and singing silly songs in my head. It's funny that what is annoying to you in life becomes very dear in death.

10. My office is very, very tidy. My home is not. We still haven't put up all the curtains in our "new" house. We are hoping to remedy that today.

11. I go to an awesome women's group every month. You know who you are!

12. I am addicted to magazines. I collect them. I have an almost complete collection of SageWoman and the Beltane Papers. I also love Martha Stewart Living. It helps me dream. We have at least one and a half large bookcases with just my magazines.

13. I can cook if I have recipe. This is strange considering I had very little cooking experience until college. I am continually amazed at Shane's ability to take random ingredients and make a meal without a recipe. And now you know one reason why I married him.

14. Shane and I met at Duke. We are both from Utah originally. We both refused to go out together for some time because of this fact. Yet we would always hang out together at parties. I hate paying my law school loans every month, but then again, it was a bargain price for meeting Shane.

15. I buy beautiful diaries, then fail to write in them. This is one of my traits that my husband kindly puts up with.

16. When I was in grade school, I used to roam around the neighborhood collecting garbage-bound treasures. My neighbors were understandably creeped out by this.

17. My sister, Marisa, and I, who are 6 years apart in age, got our driver's licenses the same year, got married the same year, and had our first children within 8 months of one another and our second children were born within 18 hours of one another.

18. Other people always had much bigger dreams for me than I had for myself. Making a family with Shane fulfilled all my deepest dreams and for that I am eternally grateful to him.

19. I love Studio Ghibli films. In fact, we have a copy of Totoro in Japanese that we watch with the boys even though none of us speaks the language. I have seen it enough in English that I can tell the boys what people are saying, pretty much. I just like it better in Japanese. Ghibli films are so strongly, powerfully, visual that you don't have to know what people are saying for the most part.

20. I love animated movies in general. I really, really like Kung Fu Panda. It has a deeply Buddhist undercurrent that really appeals to me.

21. People who know me now are always surprised that I graduated from BYU, I guess because I'm not active in the LDS church anymore. I am deeply grateful for my years at BYU, annoying though they may have been. I met so many amazing, deeply spiritual and powerfully good people there (you also know who you are). And I got to take a class from Gene England!

22. I also inherited an inability to go anywhere without a book in my bag from my Mom. The tendency is amplified in me, actually, and I usually take at least two magazines and two books with me to work everyday, even though I know I will get no more than a few minutes chance to read.

23. I first studied women's spirituality at BYU, on my own, using the amazing library there. I didn't buy my first tarot deck until I graduated, though. I love reading tarot and am reasonably good at it - on a psychological level, not a "predict the future" level. I feel a deep and profound peace when I access that intuitive side of myself. I am mostly self-taught, but I did get to take a class from Margaret Ruth while I was on medical leave after my hysterectomy.

24. I went to church by myself as a child until my sibs started coming with me - I had a deeply awesome ward and have many dear friends from back in the day - I've always had a strong spiritual side for which I am very grateful. I think much of my sense of the universe is still LDS, but I have been profoundly influenced by many religions, particularly Judaism, Buddhism and the Goddess/Earth religions.

25. My deepest hope is for those that I love to be happy - and I love people at the drop of a hat. (BTW, thank you, Jennika, for bringing that gift to Vic). One of the best things about Facebook has been reconnecting with people I love and learning that they are well. I doubt I am the same person that you knew, if you knew me then, but hopefully I am still a person you want to know. :-) I never stop loving people once I start, which I hope all of my friends already know.

First Class of the Semester

2009-01-17T09:56:00.003-07:00

I held my first class for the semester yesterday. I always feel a bit of nervousness before the first class, similar to the butterflies I get whenever I go onstage to perform. As always, some of the students were shocked by the amount of reading and writing required by the class. Others took it in stride. Some students said barely a word - even after being told that they get points for participation. Others jumped right in and would have done so without knowing that they were graded on, well, opening their mouth. Others said just enough to feel that they had contributed enough to get points. A classroom is such a microcosm of human diversity.

The students mentioned to me how much they like being able to register for classes on the web. That way, if they don't like a teacher or the class isn't right for them, it is easy to drop classes. I reminded them that, although it is nice to have an instructor you "click" with, sometimes you learn more from someone that you don't necessarily like. But I also told them that someone always drops the class and I don't take it personally. I think a lot of my students are just in love with the idea that they have some control over their schedules - so much different from high school.

It's always amazing to me how we filter what people say to us. I told the class that they will be partially graded on participation - whether they make comments and respond to questions in class. One student interpretted that as "being graded for our opinions" and asked me if whether or not I agreed with a student's opinion's would affect his or her grade. He told me that although every instructor says they won't do that, he's seen profs that do. Of course I said no. I tried to be very clear that students are not graded for opinions but for participation. I told them I couldn't give them anything but my word that I grade on how they make their arguments and how they support what they think, not on what their opinion is. I also reminded the class that I am a lawyer, and sometimes, as an advocate, I have to make arguments for clients I don't necesasrily agree with - that's part of the job. I don't know if it reassured him or not.

I've found that conservative students are particularly afraid that they will be graded down for their opinions - yet, they almost always do well in my class because they are used to having to argue for what they think is right. I find that many students who think of themselves as "liberal" presume that everyone (at least in the academic setting) agrees with them, that their opinions are "obvious." This is clearly not universally true - certainly their are liberal students who back up everything they say. I think I'm going to give the student who asked the question a copy of an essay by Stanley Fish, entitled, I think, Note to Professors - Just Do Your Job. His argument is that professers are not in the business of teaching people what to think but how to think. Not to analyze whether an argument is right, but rather how the argument is made and whether it is effective. You can see his emphasis on rhetoric there. I had the priviledge of taking a rhetoric course from Dr. Fish at Duke - truly amazing class. Anyway, his recent book with revised versions of his NYTimes blog enteries about the business of univeristy teaching is entitled, Save the World on Your Own Time. I couldn't agree more. It's not my job to make my students "better citizens" or "better people." They will make their own choices as to what to do with their lives and my influence on them is virtually nill. However, it is my job to give my students options, information, and tools for evaluating ideas. It is my job to make them read things that they wouldn't have read otherwise . It is my job to entice them into writing their ideas down so I can help them (a) write more clearly and (b) write more persuasively.

We watched the first half of Princess Mononoke in class. I have used that film for many semesters. It is an excellent film for getting students to talk. First, it is such a beautiful film - the art is just enchanting. Second, it explores themes that we discuss in class - human responses to the land, marginalized voices, spirituality and religion, death. Third, it has all the elements of art that I want to teach about - music (themes, dissonance, harmony, etc), color, realism vs. surrealism, lighting, sequencing. By showing the film at the very start of the semester I can help students jump right in to seeing how an artist presents their viewpoint without necessarily making a logic-based argument and show how the craft of film-making communicates the message. The film is very accessible I've found - even to people who don't like "weird stuff" or don't think they care for anime. The best part is I don't mind watching it over and over again! The "mononoke" theme sticks in my head for weeks, though . . . it's playing there now actually.

Remembering

2009-01-09T06:42:00.004-07:00

The new year has now officially begun for me, now that both of my sons have had their birthdays. Having them so close to turn of the year seems to stretch out the liminal time of the holidays.

This morning I was thinking again of their births. I was very blessed to have a conscious, no-drugs, natural birth with both of them. This year we moved away from the home where Eli was born. The saddest part of leaving that place was not being reminded each time I walked into the kitchen of the miracle of this birth. I was reminded again this morning of how I lost some of the memories of their births when I had a hysterectomy. I had always suspected that certain physical memories are stored in your body - my experience after the surgery confirmed that for me. Prior to the surgery, whenever I thought of that time, the muscles of my body would respond with little twinges of memory. Birth is such an intense physical event and it seems to have been written on my body. I still have bodily memories of birth, but unsurprisingly most of those memories were stored in my uterus and cervix. None of my medical care providers warned me of the potential loss - I don't think they were aware that there would be any loss (and they were more concerned with saving my life). We are so accustomed to thinking that our "selves" are stored in our heads. Yet there is a reason that traditionally people thought their souls were stored in their hearts.

But the loss of a layer of those memories has not meant a loss of love or connection to my boys. I was deeply worried that it would at first. Now I realize that my memories of them are actually only a small part of my love for them. I enjoy their present 5 and 7 year old selves more than their baby selves. I love babies, but they don't talk. And I like talking. My boys surprise me every day with the things they say, the thoughts they put out there for me to see. I have no desire to "rewind them to a baby" as my Mom used to quote my brother Vic as saying. The boys present selves are the ones currently most precious to me. And I am so glad for that.

Let us quote Master Ugway shall we (from Kung Fu Panda):

The Past is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, but Today is a Gift,
That's why we call it "the Present."

Walking in the Snow (Thursday thoughts continued)

2009-01-08T21:57:00.004-07:00

So, the boys ended up coming up here before I got downstairs. Michael read his homework book to Shane and then I looked at pictures on Facebook with Eli. Eli loved seeing pictures of his friend Finn's new little brother. Then we looked at pictures of his cousin Cole's b-day party. It was simple, pleasant & fun. I love the way Eli's face glows when I am paying attention to just him. Then we all piled onto the futon cushion in Michael's room (which Eli chooses to sleep on instead of the brand-new Ikea bed in his own bedroom) and I read another chapter of "Clementine's Letter" by Sara Pennypacker. Michael is a big fan of Clementine. He says he is just like Clementine only more silly and distracted. He says that he is a Tangerine.

Anyway, so Sophie was hyper all through this. It is wonderful for Sophie to be hyper. Sophie is getting older and has severe arthritis. Her vet just started her on Remadril which is a miracle drug. Sophie went from seeming like she would die any day, crying in pain all the time, to doing the circle-hop dance when she saw me get out the leash. It was rain-snowing outside but I figured a walk around the block wouldn't hurt so we ended up walking around at least four blocks. [big smiles]

The rain-snow slowly turned to snow-rain and it got very slick. I liked the walk anyway. Sophie is a very happy girl when she's out sniffing new and interesting smells and its a joy to be with her. The snow-rain looked lovely through the light of the streetlamps. I could occasionally hear thunder and train horns, but mostly it was quiet. Our neighborhood is charming and, shall we say, well-established. Our house is over a hundred years old. The old houses tend to be on the corners of the streets with lots of 1930-40s bungalows and post-war cottages in between. Very few homes have attached garages and almost none have garages on the fronts of the houses. I love that - I hate houses that look like they were designed for cars instead of people. Most of the homes have huge old trees. There's a nice economic mix as well, so you have really nicely kept up homes mixed with rental and/or starter places that are more shabby. Its urban yet not at the same time.

The thing that bothered me through the whole walk was that I kept noticing my brain slipping away from the walk and into some chattering thought (like what I was going to write in the blog when I got home). I wasn't able to stay in my body very well, even though the cold kept kindly bringing my attention back. :-) Then I remembered Pema Chodron saying that thoughts are just the nature of mind and the important part of mediation is just bringing your attention back to center, back to noticing, back to awareness. So I tried to kindly bring myself back to my awareness of the cold snow-rain dripping off my hood and onto my face. To Sophie shaking her sweet golden brown pelt free of the wet then wagging her way to another treetrunk/fencepost/bush/other. To the soft dripping of the snow-raindrops. To the pinging of water on a metal disk. To a lantern glowing. To my aching lower back (I learned that loosening my hips as I walk helps). To the glowing sky. To my joy at still being alive and here, now.

Thursday Thoughts

2009-01-08T19:53:00.002-07:00

So, it comes to no surprise to me that I haven't written anything down during the work week. I thought this would happen - write on my time off, think about writing on my days on. I'm not very happy about moving to a four-ten schedule but I have little power to change it. I came home early today because I some parties that could not meet today, when they were scheduled to come before me, and so I scheduled them for Friday afternoon since I now have that power (bwa-ha-ha). And I noticed that I loved coming home before 7:30, but I also find myself upstairs on the computer, and not downstairs with my family. I am going to change that, and write more later.

New Year's Intentions/Hopes

2009-01-02T16:37:00.002-07:00

Rissa posted her resolutions, so I thought I'd post intentions. I'm not very good at "resolving." I swear every time I resolve to do something, my brain finds ways to not do whatever I resolved to do. Yes, I even rebel against my own self. :-) I notice that whatever I try to force anything, something forces back just as strong. If I try to force down anger, the anger pushes back harder. So my biggest intention this year is to simply be with whatever my feelings are and not try to force myself into some half-formed ideal. That said, there are certain areas I'd like to change.

I've been noticing myself getting more & more stressed at work, and that is unlikely to change anytime soon in this economy. So these are things I intend to do to make my life (and my family's lives!) happier and healthier, and I hope that I won't sabotage myself.

1. Breathe. I notice that when I am stressed I stop breathing - I hold my breath. This does not help almost any situation. So when I am getting tight and upset at a situation I hope that I will notice that, and then take three deep breaths.

2. Un-round my shoulders. My shoulders habitually pull forward when I am feeling stress. It doesn't help that I work at a computer all day, then come home and play on the computer for at least an hour. :-) So I intend to stretch my shoulder muscles daily and strengthen the muscles in my upper back. And I hope that when I notice my shoulders pulling forward that I will refer to intention/hope number 1, breathe and let those shoulders fall back in a more relaxed position.

3. Hug my kids and try to listen to their incredibly long and confusing stories without going insane.

4. Never take the amazing Shane for granted. It seems like everything Shane does is intended to make my life easier.

5. Walk & bike whenever walking or biking is an option. I know that exercise is the key to my mental and physical well-being, and though I do reasonably well on this, I don't spend enough time walking etc. in the winter months. My hope is that by remembering how good I feel when I get some exercise I will want to get out there and move!

6. Pay attention to my home's appearance and to clean with care and love, not frustration and anger. If I approach straightening up with anger and hate, I never want to do it. But hopefully if I can think of caring for my home as caring for my visual sanity and my family's health, it will be easier to pay attention the cleanliness of our home.

Why the title?

2009-01-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

Back in my law school days, my good buddy Bryan started describing things as being a certain number of "McPeck's" tall. Bryan always called me "McPeck!" and almost never Amanda. So, anyway, I thought if I was going to have to have a blog, I might as well make sure the public understood that it was only one McPeck tall (which is not very tall if you know any McPecks besides my siblings!).